Making
by Sarah the nerd
Summary: Teenage QuiGon's journal, in which we face darksiders, lunatics, prophecies, death, destruction and poetry, to name but a few. FINISHED!
1. We Know Who We Are But Not Who We May Be

PROLOGUE-Added 20/8/03   


**_THE GREEN STONE TRILOGY_**

**_A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...._**

_Life will become a painless death_   
_Love will become a blinding hate_   
_Without dark there is no light_   
_Who will tell the future's fate?___

_Shadows of stars and the longest darkness_   
_Alll shadows that cover the heart_   
_Fate is not created by destiny_   
_In love and faith will the fight start.___

_*___

_Two sons of fallen ones, to guide and save the light._   
_Two daughters of the universe-bright stars in the dark night._   
_One to choose the future...the choice of light or love.___

_Seek the answer in the first betrayal..._

***** 

_The flames reached higher...._

***** 

Eridar Ololian lay next to the campfire and stared up at the sky. The smoke mixed with the stars, giving her the impression that the whole sky was burning. Aside from the sound of burning wood and the crackling of dead leaves stirred by the wind, it was   
silent. She sat up and held the baby tightly so he would be warm as well. Her ship was quite a long way away. She'd had to stop for the night. Along with this child... 

This child. 

He was very strong in the Force. His parents had given their agreement for her to take him soon enough; they wanted a better life for him than what they could offer. And he would get a better life. 

Once she got home, that was. Back to the Temple. 

The baby was falling asleep in her arms. She noticed a ring on his finger. Oh yes...the parents had given it to him before he left. She looked into the stone on it. It was emerald green...bright as the leaves. And, if you stared for long enough, there were streaks of blue and yellow, white and red...but she needed to sleep now. So she slept too. 

***** 

_The flames reached higher, burning away..._

***** 

Master Ololian's ship finally touched down on the platform almost two days later. The baby was fine...wide awake and squealing...which was more than could be said for her, she was tired. 

"My old Padawan," Yoda greeted her. "And who is this little one?" 

"I discovered him on Toci, Master Yoda. His name is Qui-Gon Jinn. His parents gave their permission for us to train him." 

Yoda nodded. Eridar spotted another figure behind the assembled group of Jedi. "Ah, young Palpatine," she said with a grin.   
"Not a Jedi, are you?"   
"He's interested in the Temple," Mapru said. Despite being the youngest Council member in a while, he was still the sternest, strictest and least friendly. "We have decided to show him around. This is, however, the final time." 

"That's right, Master Ololian," the young boy said quietly. He looked at the baby and smiled. The smile didn't reach his eyes though...never would. 

"Initiate Dooku," Yoda called, and another boy of about twelve stepped forward. "Take this child to the crehe." 

The boy nodded. The Jedi...and Palpatine...started heading into the Temple. The sky was dark overhead. 

***** 

"Came from where, the ring did?" Yoda asked curiously. He was in the darkened crehe, along with Eridar, her Padawan Beno Karshan and crehe Master Kezi, looking down at the now sleeping baby. 

"Well, his parents," Eridar said in a low voice so as not to wake the children. "Who did you think? His father...he slid it off his finger and his mother slid it into his. They gave some other things, as well...here's a bag." She reached inside her survival pack, which she was still carrying. "A whole bag. Let him keep it, please, Master," 

"Very well, old Padawan. If insist you do. And how did the mission go?" 

"Drackelan Omega-Blackmist is dead, my Master. We chased him to Toci and fought him. I struck him down. His wife and son escaped, however. We let them live." 

"Good..." 

"I think they went back to Telos." Beno said. 

"Hey," Kezi said in a soft voice, and they turned to see she wasn't talking to them, but to the baby, who had just woken up. He was whimpering. "S'alright, little one...you're safe, you're in a safe place...you'll grow up brave and strong and clever..." 

He started to cry then. Eridar found the noises were tearing at her heart for some reason. "He's been taken from his mother.   
He's lost and confused." 

"Shhh, shhh..." Kezi whispered to the child. He'd woken some of the others...the girl in the bed next to him was crying now too.   
Eridar picked her up and rocked her until she stopped and went back to sleep. 

"You're safe..." Kezi was whispering, her voice getting lower by the second. Another child somewhere off in the darkest corner was crying now. Kezi sighed. "Eridar? Take this little one for me, please." And she handed Qui-Gon to her and hurried to the other end of the room. 

"Hush..." Eridar whispered, imitating what Kezi had done. "You'll grow up here. You'll become a warrior. Kind and noble and handsome." 

"And wise," Beno volunteered. 

"Don't cry..." But he was still crying. Eridar sat down on a chair next to Yoda. "Come on now...you'll find people here who love you. And you'll love. You'll be great..." she said, rocking him back and forth. "I can tell...you'll be great..." 

She tweaked the green-stone ring on his finger. A few more sobs and he finally slept. The other four stayed in the crehe until the night fell, talking. Kezi found some candles to light up the dark room and Eridar lit them. While upstairs in the Temple people talked and fought and slept and a young boy who would one day find his fate intwined with darkness dreamed about the Master he would someday have and a second young boy who would in the future have evil power beyond most people's imaginings and work the destinies...or so he planned...of the rest of the galaxy was shown around the Temple that would one day be destroyed   
because of him, the child slept in the candlelight... 

***** 

_The fire grew and marked the beginning...and the end._   
  
******   


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about thirteen years later....   
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Making   
_1: We Know Who We Are, But Not What We May Be_   
  
  
7th day,8th month,standard year 24933

My Master died today. 

Master Karshan. We knew each other for exactly five months. The day-maybe it was two days, I can't remember-before my thirteenth birthday, I was called to the Council chambers and told Master Karshan wanted to take me as a Padawan. And I couldn't quite believe it, because all through that day I'd got everything wrong, it was one of those terrible days (everyone has one occasionally, I have one about three times a week)-and Dilan had been laughing at me and making snide comments all day, and Clee actually giggled at one of the things he said, and I was angry with her, and she was trying to apologize all day (I forgave her later)-and then I got told that my dream was coming true, and I wouldn't be sent off to become a farmer after all. Not that there's anything wrong with farming, I wouldn't have minded all that much if it hadn't have meant leaving all my friends behind-but anyway. 

And now he's dead. 

It was only our third mission. I can't even remember the name of the planet-it began with an A. Avino. That's it. I can't remember a lot of it, I suppose my mind's just determined not to think about it. I remember I was scared, really scared. There was fighting. People who had some powerful weapons that they'd stolen from somewhere. There was a child. I know there was-but I can't work out who he is. And a woman. She was very pretty. There was a fight-I was somewhere else-I was helping the injured people, along with another woman whose name I can't remember-and I was panicking, she was yelling something about traitors, I thought he'd die-and I was right. Because I left the woman on her own to pick up bodies -I know it was stupid and disobedient, but I had to do something!-and I tried to find him, I could help, and they were in another area, and Master used the Force to block the enterance so I couldn't get in-I was in a lot of danger anyway, someone came up behind me as I was standing there panicking and they would've killed me. I killed him. At least I think I did. I'm not sure. He might have just got knocked out. 

But anyway, then I knew Master was dead-we had a link, it wasn't all that strong, since we hadn't been together all that long-but the link was cut, and then the next thing I remember, as well as people talking worriedly and apologizing and things-is waking up in the Healers, back at the Jedi Temple. Yoda was there. 

There's a chrono by my bed, and I just looked at it. Actually, now it's yesterday that my Master died. How long have I been here? I wonder if Yoda knows I'm awake? Him and another person I don't know the name of are just in the corridor, outside the open door, and they're not looking inside, so they probably don't know I can hear them. Something about a training bond.   
_"Still linked, were they, when Master Karshan died."_

Oh. So they're talking about me. 

_"That won't be good for him."_ the other voice said. _"Is he having trouble recollecting what happened? It can have that effect..."_

_"Believe so, the Healers do. Perhaps that is best."_

They're not talking anymore. Oh,wait... 

_"Need a new Master, the boy will."_

And they've shut up again...oh,hang on... 

_"Possibly...skilled,you say?"___

_"Very much so, he is."___

_"What else?"___

_"Clever, he is. Quiet, and often withdrawn, but not friendless. Kind. And very much attuned to the Living Force,he_   
_is."___

_"He sounds promising."___

_"Taught him for a while, I did. He is very promising. Unpredictable,too,he is. A good match would you make."___

_"I will certainly consider it."___

_"Speak to the boy in the morning,I will. Rest he needs. Goodnight,Padawan."___

_"Goodnight,Master."_

I can't hear them now. Talk to me tomorrow? I'm to be paired with someone else, so quickly? I don't want to be. Master Karshan-he was wise and brave and I liked him. We formed a strong bond in those few months, and now they're just going to... 

Do they even understand? 

The lights all over the Healer's wing just went out. I think I should sleep now. 

I hope I'm able to...   
  
***** 


	2. I Have A Bad Feeling About This

A/N: Yes, I invented the surname Wildstar for Tahl. Well,it's never mentioned in the books. :) 

Making   
  
8th day, 8th month,standard year 24933

It's morning. The lights have been on for a few minutes now. I can hear people getting up. The Temple never sleeps. 

Yoda and that man are coming to speak to me today. What am I going to tell them? What are they going to tell me? 

I want to see my friends. Tahl, Clee, Binn, Mace, Somti...where is everyone? They might be worried,news will have reached them by now...Tahl especially,and she always seems to get terrifically worried at the slightest thing. 

Hang on, I know why she isn't up here making a fuss-it's because she's expecting to be chosen by a Master. Before me and my Master left for Avino, she smiled and said by the time she got back, she would be a Padawan too, and I couldn't boss her around any more. 

Why am I in the Healer's anyway? I'm fine. Well, technically. There's a bruise on my arm and a few scratches, but apart from that, I don't see why they're keeping me here. 

Is there something I don't know about? 

Hang on, I recognize that yell. Tahl's here. 

***** 

She's gone now. I was glad to talk to her. I was right,she was worried. And Yoda and-well...let's start at the beginning.   


First, Tahl practically ran into my room, leaned over me and grabbed my hand. 

"I'm alive." I said. 

"Thank the stars! I was _terrified. _Don't you ever, ever do that to me again,Qui-Gon!" 

"I won't." I said. 

"What happened?" she said. (She always talks fast,but today she was talking faster than usual.) 

"I'm fine." I said. "I don't know why they're keeping me here. And my Master...is dead." 

She let go of my hand, and then suddenly grabbed it again. 

"_Dead?_" 

"Yes." I said. I suddenly felt like I was going to be sick. She noticed. 

"I'm so sorry." she said. She looked guilty, and I realised why-while I had lost a Master, she had gained one. 

"Tahl-were you chosen?" 

"Yes." she said, nodding and blushing. "Master Thea." 

"I knew she'd choose you! I knew it'd be her!" 

"Yes, she's been so nice...just think,soon I'll have a braid-" she reached out a hand and flicked mine "and be going on missions..." She stopped abruptly right there. "Oh, I'm so sorry, I said that without thinking.." 

"It's all right." I said. "You don't have to refrain from saying the word 'mission' around me." 

She didn't really answer,but moved closer to me. "Do you want to talk?" 

"Sort of." I said. "I...I can't remember a lot about what happened. Most of it seems like a blur." 

"There's something important you want to tell me." she interupted. "Tell me. I won't have you bottling things up until you burst." 

(I'm glad she's my friend....) 

"I heard Yoda talking with someone." I said. "They want to assign me to a new Master." 

She frowned. "So soon? That seems a bit..." 

"I'm sure there's something I'm not being told." I said. "It's a funny feeling, and it won't go away." 

"Well," she said. "Maybe..." Then she stopped, hearing the unmistakeable sound of Yoda coming down the corridor. 

"Oh, banthas," she muttered. 

"You're not supposed to be here, are you?" 

"No, not really. Master Thea had me practising katas in the gym...I sort of sneaked away..." 

"She'll be disappointed." I said. "A Master who just chose a Padawan doesn't expect her to go running off without asking permission." 

She scowled. "Thanks a lot. Like you wouldn't do the same. If you weren't in a hospital bed, Qui-Gon, I'd hit you." 

And then,Yoda and the man I'd heard last night chose that moment to walk in. Tahl gave a sort of nervous grin at them. 

"Padawan Wildstar." the man said smoothly "I believe your Master is wondering where you are." 

"Yes." Tahl stammered,rising to her feet. "She will be. See you later,Qui." She hurried out of the room. 

I looked at the man. He was tall. His face was nice, but I couldn't read his eyes. He wasn't really looking at me, actually. I think he was trying to look anywhere _but _me. 

"Young one." Yoda said. "my former Padawan this is. Qui-Gon Jinn, meet Master Dooku." 

He held out his hand,and I shook it. 

"How did you survive being Yoda's Padawan?" I asked. (Yes, it was cheeky...but I thought Yoda did smile a little. He's not completely humorless.) 

The man laughed and ruffled my hair. "This lad will heal quickly." he said. 

"Hope he will, I do." Yoda said,and he hobbled off, leaving me and Master Dooku alone in the Healer's room. 

"Master Yoda has requested I take an apprentice." 

I nodded. 

"And I want it to be you. Judging from Yoda's praise (he's praised me?) you're one of the most promising students in a while.   
Will you accept?" 

And there was plenty I wanted to say...that this didn't feel right, that I felt like I was being disloyal, or something, to Master Karshan. But whatever I felt, I said "Yes." 

I don't know if I did the right thing. 

"I'll see you tomorrow." he told me. "You'll be offically my apprentice in a few days. Don't worry about a thing." 

I like him. I honestly do. But I have a bad feeling about this, and I don't know why. 

I feel sort of...lost. My Master is dead, suddenly I have a new one, and I'm in the Healers while I'd rather be with my friends.   


I think they're about to serve dinner. I must go. 

***** 


	3. Til The Day You Die

Making 

10th day,8th month,standard year 24933

Where should I start? 

Yesterday I was let out of the Healer's. I spent most of the day with Tahl,Clee and the others, telling them everything that had happened. Right at the end,Clee gasped and said: 

"That means...he...he died so you could live! He..." 

We were sort of all silent then, because it was true, and I felt like being sick all of a sudden...being sick again...because it was true, if he hadn't wanted to save me, he wouldn't have died. 

Why did he try to save me? He could've waited! I would have saved him! He didn't have to die! 

HE DIDN'T HAVE TO DIE! 

Yoda would whack me hard if he saw what I just wrote. I know,I _know _anger is the path to the Darkside. But...he _died._

He died because of me. 

I want to put down this journal and cry,but...well...another part of me wants to just keep on writing. And I also don't want to cry because I'm writing this in the star-map room, and people keep coming in and out (Master Cilia just walked past and smiled at me. She was one of my teachers when I was seven, and she knew Master Karshan.) So I couldn't cry, because someone would see. 

_Anyway_, after Clee made her comment on my story, everyone went incredibly quiet...I think it was because we'd been told, all the time, about Knights dying to save others, Masters dying so their apprentice wouldn't be put in danger...but this was the first time it had actually, well, happened to us. 

To me. 

But,anyway,I am now offically Master Dooku's apprentice. He took me to the Council, and they gave their approval. Tahl said I should be happy, because practically the split second I didn't have a Master another one grabbed me straightaway. It was said to cheer me up, but it didn't really. 

Well, that's it. I'll be back to taking classes tomorrow, and before long, being sent out on missions with my new Master. 

Tahl's probably looking for me...better go... 

***** 

11th day,8th month,standard year 24933

I'm living with my Master in his quarters now. They moved me here this morning. I have a new home. But what happened to the old one? Master Karshan's area? Did they give it to someone else? I really wish they'd let me stay there, I liked it...but then I suppose Master Dooku would've had to leave his own home to be with me, and I don't think he'd have liked that. 

In the afternoon,I have lightsabre class. I'm glad it's that and not anything else, because lightsabre class is the only one I'm really any good at. 

***** 

It's evening. Actually, it's night and I really should be sleeping, but something happened today- 

I went to lightsabre class, and Dilan and his friends were waiting for me. And as I walked past him, Dilan said loudly. "Better stay away from him. He might drag _us _down to the Darkside too." And I tried to ignore them, but they kept looking over at me and smirking all day, and I didn't want to tell anyone, because...I'm not sure...because the Darkside's taken so seriously and maybe...maybe...well, after Dilan said something loudly about future traitors to the Jedi, Yoda gave him a sharp look and then looked at me, and I just couldn't read that look and... 

I'd never turn to the Darkside, though. I'm sure Yoda would tell me not to worry, that it was just stupid comments made by a bully. But I can't stop thinking about it. You see... 

I have never told _anyone _this, not even Tahl. I'm afraid of writing it down in case someone finds it. But when I was little, only about six or seven, there was a teacher here who was very skilled at foresight. She died ages ago...when I was eight, I think. Her name was Master Ololian, and once she spoke to me. I was in the Room Of A Thousand Fountains. I can't remember what I was doing in there, but she came to speak to me. She sort of looked at me, except her eyes were closed...we had quite a long conversation, I can't remember most of it, and she said something like "The Darkside will follow you like a shadow, child. From now till the day you die!" 

Perhaps it's silly to dwell on something told to me when I was six...and I heard she was nearly expelled because she frightened people with her predictions so much...but I think it's true what she said. I don't know how, something's just telling me that it is! And I don't want it to be. It _can't _be. 

Can it? 


	4. Braids

Making 

***** 

12th day,8th month,standard year 24933

I can't _believe _what they did. 

I asked Master Dooku when the funeral for Master Karshan would be held. It was a long time before I got my answer. He looked at me in that way adults do when they're telling you they've done something that you'll hate but you're too young to understand anyway, and said "It was held the day after his death, Qui-Gon. While you were in the Healers." 

"But that means...I never got to say goodbye." I said, and had to blink several times, because I didn't want him to see me crying. He might think I can't keep a tight enough hold on my emotions and throw me out, or something. 

But I _didn't _get to say goodbye. 

Straight after that I ran to find Tahl. I asked if she knew anything about the funeral, and she said no, and then I found everyone else and asked them too, and they all said no. 

I don't get it. It's like they're trying to make me forget Master Karshan as soon as possible. 

***** 

I went to meditation class...I don't like meditation class very much. Because Dilan is in it, and none of my friends are. So I'm left to put up with him on my own. I can't_ stand _him. The second I walked in I saw him whispering to someone else, and they were all _giggling. _Dilan knows something I don't. I can tell, he keeps looking at me and smirking. If Tahl had been there, she'd have had a few choice words to say to him, but she wasn't. So I had to try and meditiate while wondering-panicking about-what this incredibly amusing secret of mine was. Because _I_ don't know. 

I didn't do very well in class. 

Afterwards, I found everyone in the Room Of A Thousand Fountains, and we started talking about Dilan. 

"If anyone should be thrown out, _he _should!" Clee said. She was swimming. She likes swimming a lot. She wasn't actually paying a lot of attention to us, because her Mon Calamari friend Nela was there, and they were in the pool together. 

"I don't like him." That was Mace. Mace is the youngest. He's three years younger than me. Binn and Somti are his best friends, they're the ones who stand up for him all the time -although he's pretty good at standing up for himself. Tahl looked the most annoyed. She really, really..._dislikes _Dilan and his friends. I bet Master Thea has words with her about the things she says about him, which are rude as well as incredibly entertaining.   


Actually, guess what! Tahl's going on her first mission soon! She sounded really excited about it. It's an easy mission, since Tahl hasn't been a Padawan very long, but the way she talks about it you'd think they were going to some place overrun with murderers, droid armies, bottomless pits, and the like. She likes adventure. Did I mention she's got a Padawan braid now? She looks nice. 

And speaking of Padawan braids...when I got back to Master's quarters from the Thousand Fountains room, Master Dooku was waiting, and he told me there was something important concerning my Padawanship that we hadn't done yet. He told me to kneel, and he kneeled too, and then he unbraided my braid- you see, when the Padawan has been with the Master for a few days at least, the Master braids some of his own hair into the Padawan braid. So Master Dooku took out Master Karshan's hair-he gave it back to me, I put it into this tiny box my mother gave me-and then he braided some of his own hair in. So that's it. I am his apprentice till I reach my Knighthood, unless one of us should die or leave the Order. 

Anyway, the sun's setting. Bedtime. 

***** 


	5. Glitters In The Light

Making 

1st day,9th month,standard year 24933

Guess what! 

I'm going to see my parents. 

I don't know why. None of the others have seen their parents in ages. Normally, when you're a Padawan, you don't get to see them at all, not until Knighthood. When Dilan heard me talking about it, he snickered and said 'They just want you out. Don't think they're letting you go because they feel generous." I tried to ignore him. I'm _seeing my parents._

I remember hardly anything about them. I don't even remember at which age I was taken to the Temple-three, I think. Maybe four. I know the planet I was born on is called Toci, and that my parents have always lived there. We're allowed to know a _little _about our families, after all. I remember Toci was-is-very beautiful. I remember my mother was very beautiful too, and my father, the last time I visited my parents (years and years ago. I was only seven or something) hugged me when it was time to leave again. I had a brother. I don't even rememeber his name. Strange, isn't it, to have almost exactly the same blood as another being and yet not know their name? But I will soon. 

I just asked Master Dooku when we were leaving, and he frowned. "This is not a good idea." he said. "I don't agree with it. To answer your question, you should be packing your things now. We're leaving tomorrow." 

I'm not taking much. Only this journal, and changes of clothes, and things I've been given from my parents. There's a little music box from my mother. It plays a Toci tune-it's beautiful. I used to listen to it at nights, then I decided I was getting too old for that. I still like it, though. And then there's a toy. Exactly what it's supposed to be I'm not sure. I think it's a mini-podracer. I think my dad made it. I don't know for certain, but I get the feeling he wasn't much good at making toys. I'd rather have that toy, though, then a expensive, modern, state-of-the-art real-life podracer. I would. 

Then there's the last thing. It's a ring. Yoda told me that when I was taken, my parents gave me the ring. My father slid it off his finger and my mother slipped it onto mine. And then Yoda went off with me. Yoda was the one who found me. He did the midi-chlorian test and everything. The ring is beautiful, like Toci is itself. It's got a little green stone in it, and it glitters in the light. I'm not allowed to wear it, because Jedi aren't allowed to wear jewerly,but I keep it in my pocket wherever I go. 

I'd better start actually packing now. 

***** 

2nd day,9th month,standard year 24933

We're here! 

This is amazing. It's like tons of memories came flooding back into my head. There's books, and paintings- there's one of a boy in a field and I just know that used to be in my room. I'm in my room now. My mother told me this was it. It's right at the top of the house, which is far bigger than I imagined. You can see the view from it-it's lovely. There's so much green- and a river. The river of light, it's called. 

My parents...when they greeted me, they looked so happy and yet so sad. I know why, it's because they don't want me to go back. 

They're talking with Master now, but I can't hear most of what they're staying. Just stuff about the Jedi, I think. 

My brother's here as well. He's three years older than me-sixteen. I know his name now. His name is Rek-Gon, and he's even taller than me. His hair's nearly the same colour, but his eyes are lighter, and they're friendly. He greeted me with a 'Hey, squirt,' and I liked him a lot in that one moment. 

I hugged him, and he laughed. He's downstairs now, but he said he'd be coming to talk to me soon. He wants to hear about all the adventures I've had. 

I like him. I like them all. 

***** 

I told him everything notable I could think of. I told him about Masters and Padawans, I explained braids and lightsabres- I even showed him mine-and I told him about my friends _'Lucky squirt, getting to hang around with two pretty girls all day...' _and I told him about Master Karshan's death. He listened. 

"How do you seem to understand me so well?" I asked him "when we've really only just met?" 

"I remember when you were taken away, you know." he said. "Mum told me you would grow up to become a great hero. I wanted to become a hero too. But I'm not jealous of you-you're-well,I always wanted a brother when I was little, and I've got one-and I should love him. Besides, I like you-you're...kind and nice. I was worried you'd be all snooty and hate me." Then he shook his head and muttered something about never making any sense to himself. 

But he listened to everything. He even put his arm around me when I talked about Master Karshan dying to save me. Aside from Tahl and Clee, no-one at the Temple has done that. 

Part of me doesn't want to leave here.   



	6. The River Stone

Making 

****** 

2nd day,9th month,standard year 24933

Well, I said that I didn't want to leave, and I really still don't want to. 

I heard Mum crying just now, and talking to Dad. I suppose they thought everyone else was asleep, but I wasn't and I heard them. 

"Your hear all these stories." she was crying, "about parents who give up their children to the Jedi, and the next they hear of them is a short message saying they're dead. And I know I'm- going to _have _to let him go back, Ag-Len, and I..I don't want to. Not _again._" 

I feel awful. I never want to cause pain to anyone. 

It's really hot. The temperature is nice during the day, but not during the night. 

What shall I do? Because it's like a dream here. Everything is so perfect. And I know that it can't really be so wonderful, but...it _is_ my home planet, after all. It's like...I belong here. But I belong with the Jedi as well. And my family loves me, but so do my friends. And I love them both. 

I'm not going to get any sleep here. 

If I did stay, I would leave behind my friends, and betray the Jedi. Well, sort of. You are actually allowed to leave if you desire that. But it's considered a betrayal by your peers, if not by the Council. 

I'll never be able to sleep. I'll leave a note saying where I've gone and go out for a walk. 

****** 

3rd day,9th month,standard year 24933

Afternoon. Tomorrow morning we're leaving. 

I'll tell you about what happened on my walk, shall I? It was dark and nearing midnight so I took a glow rod and went out. I went down to the river and sat there for ages. Or course I should go back, I _am _going to go back- but did I really want to? And what if I didn't go back? While I was thinking that, I reached into the water and my hand hit something. It was a rock. 

I'd never seen a rock like it before. It was beautiful. And as I turned it over and over in my hands, I realised someone was behind me. I turned around and saw a man standing there. 

He was old, with whitening hair. His hood was up, so I couldn't see much of his face, really only his eyes, which were very blue.   
"What's wrong?" he asked gently.   
He was someone I could talk to, I knew that right away. "I have to make a hard decision." I said, "and I'm not sure what to do."   
He looked at the rock I held in my hand. "I once had a rock like that. My father gave it to me, and I gave it to my...my own son. Those rocks are special things. It will help you with the choice you have to make."   
He put his hand on my shoulder, and I said "Thank you."   
"Thank you,too." he said, and walked away.   
I think he vanished, because when I turned around he wasn't there. I felt scared and sad at the same time, and then I went back to the house. 

Which is where I am now. 

Rek took me to his room a few minutes ago and searched in a cupboard for something. He eventually pulled out a ring, one exactly like mine, except the stone was brown, not green. 

"I have one too." he explained. "Thought you might want to see it, before you leave tomorrow." 

I grinned. "Thanks." I said. 

"Hold on a minute." he said, and pulled something else out of a drawer. It was a stack of writing paper, all brown, with a green pen. "For you. So you can write to us. Are Jedi allowed to write?" 

"Not very often." 

"I'll look forward to your letters, anyway." 

I caredully packed the present away in my bag. In a few minutes tea will be ready. The last meal I'll have with my family. (We're leaving before breakfast) 

I wonder if Master Dooku thinks I eat to much? I hope not. 

***** 


	7. Echoes From The Past Or Future

Making 

14th day,9th month,standard year 24933

Master just walked into my room and told me we were both going to Ilum, where I could construct a lightsabre. I sort of stood there and blinked.   
"You mean I'm allowed to make one _now_?" I said finally. I have a few friends who are older then me- though I don't see them much now- and they say you can't make a lightsabre until you're 'ready'. Was I 'ready'? Because I didn't feel it. My classes weren't that good, and I never do anything special...although, I did work on a lightsabre hilt, with the help of Yoda. But I didn't think I'd be getting crystals for the hilt to complete the 'sabre, not yet, I wasn't ready... 

"Yes," he said. "You are. I've informed the Council that as my apprentice, you should have your own lightsabre to use properly, not one on loan from the Temple."   
I didn't know what to say, so I made do with "Thank you." 

"That's quite all right." And he gave me a smile- a _warm _smile- and exited the room.   


You know, since I don't write in this journal much, I haven't actually said what I think of him. My Master. He's...hard to figure out. I suppose if you didn't know him, you'd think he was cold and a little harsh. And he's always hard on me when I'm learning my lessons, but when I've done something right, he gives me a proud look and sometimes a smile. He likes me. A few days ago, after I'd finally got the hang of a really hard kata, he took me aside, smiled and said. 

"Very, very good. You will be a fine Jedi." 

He's like that with the other students too...Yoda asks him to take lightsabre classes sometimes and if a student's just mastered something difficult, he will congratulate them. And,if someone's having difficulty, he'll go over it with them, as many times as needed. I like that about him. He seems to have a soft spot for Tahl, too, I think. Tahl's firey, and not afraid to speak her mind, and I think he likes that, although Yoda says she should control her anger. But I agree with my Master. Tahl is wonderful just the way she is. 

It's been a month, though, a month we've been Master and Padawan, and Yoda came once to check up on us.   
"Not developed a proper bond,yet, have you."   
"The boy is learning, Master." Dooku had said patiently. "In time, we will have a training bond, and a strong one, at that."   
I nodded.   
Yoda gave us both a look. "Be forced upon one for sake of advancement, a training bond should not. Develop with trust and respect, it should."   
"Yes, Master," we both said. 

But we will form a training bond, I'm sure of it. All Master/Padawan pairs do. But what if they don't? 

Never mind. I must pack for Ilum. 

*****   


16th day,9th month,standard year 24933

We're back. And... 

...and there's so much to tell you I'll never be able to write it all in one entry. But here goes: 

The flight to Ilum was uneventful. So was getting up to the cave where the lightsabre crystals are. I mean, there was plenty of snow, and I was freezing, but we didn't get attacked by any Ilum monsters that I've heard tell of. It was when we got inside the caves that things started happening. 

All these things will probably be garbled and not in the right order and things, but I'm trying. It's just that the caves were... 

...well, it was like they could see everything. Like they could see inside me, and to the future and to the past, it was like the caves were made of Force...both sides of Force. Maybe that's why I was so scared when I was outside them. 

"Go inside, Padawan," came my Master's calm voice. 

I reached for my training 'sabre and took a step forward, but my Master shook his head. 

"Your weapon is no use here. The only things you will fight here will be your own fears. The only weapon you can use against them is the strength of your soul." He sounded different saying that...older. (He's only twenty-five, after all.) And...sort of warmer, but colder. I know it makes no sense. It was like.. he was disliking the fears...disliking _fear_...but was pleased with me. 

So I went inside. I walked. I walked for a while, until the light from the cave's enterance had all but gone. There were ghosts. Shadows. Old warriors, gone for centuries. Some smiled. Some didn't. Carvings and names were written on the walls, from the floor to the ceiling, high above me. There were so many. It was like standing inside a history book. Standing inside _history. _I felt so small, and slightly frightened. Then one ghost broke away from the others, and floated down to me. 

"Do you know what you've done?" 

He was a man with very long black hair, and purple eyes. His clothing was old. Thousands of years ago. I remembered the things I'd read about Knights long ago. I might even know who this person was. There was a burn across his face. _How did he die?_

"Do you know what _you'll do_?" 

He isn't real, I thought. He can't scare me. He's just an echo from the past... 

...or the _future_... 

"What did I do?" 

"You killed us!" 

A cold wind blew. _But there's no wind in here, _I thought, and shivered. 

"How?" 

"Get out!" he snarled. "OUT!" 

The caves shook with that yell. Dust was dislodged and fell around me, sticking to my hair. I stepped back, scared. Something was stopping me from running, though. 

"Leave him alone," came the voice of another ghost. A woman this time. She looked even older, an echo from even further back. Her hair was white and her eyes brown. She gave me a grin and turned to the man. 

"He did what was right. Leave him be." The man glared and turned his back, vanishing into thin air. 

"He didn't kill us!" the woman called. "No more than we killed ourselves." She turned to me and placed something in my hand. "Go, child. You are innocent." 

She vanished too. I looked at my hand. It was a blue crystal. 

"Thank you," I whispered. I walked again. Through a world of rock and carvings. More visions, but they didn't talk now. Then I saw it. 

Well, I heard it first...moaning noises. Something that was scared. When I followed the noises, I found something curled up on the floor. It was a small animal. A baby. It was some creature of Ilum...I'm not sure exactly what. I picked it up and tryed to keep it warm in my hands. It wasn't a vision. At least it didn't feel like one. 

"Where did you come from?" I asked it. "Did you climb into here? Maybe I can get you out...can you find your own way?" 

But of course it didn't give me any sort of answer, it had fallen asleep in my arms, so I went back to the mouth of the cave, through the shadows, to release it. Hopefully it'd find it's family out there. 

But when I got closer to the mouth, it suddenly jumped out of my arms, and started running in the other direction. 

"Wait! Come back! Where are you going?" I called, and ran after it. It disappeared, and I stopped. I was in the biggest and deepest part of the cave. It was dark. The only light came from the crystals. They made patterns across the walls and floors, blue, green, a few yellows and purples and pinks... surrounding me in a world of colour. 

Then I heard the noise of something running past me. I whirled round. There was a dark shadow on the wall. I watched it, scared, and it grew quickly. I was powerless to stop it. It grew to a monster. 

I should have run, or taken out my training 'sabre, or something...but then I looked to the floor, and saw that the thing casting the shadows was the tiny animal I'd found. I breathed a sigh of relief and went to pick it up. 

And then there was a scream. 

That scream made me freeze. It contained shock and anger and betrayal and despair all in one long, terrified breath. 

But the strangest thing was, I _knew_ that scream. I knew it. But I have no idea who it belonged to. Someone I cared about. But _who?_

As the scream rang out, the tiny little creature I'd rescued suddenly sprung to it's feet. It jumped up. And in a flash of light, it grew bigger. Into the adult form of whatever it was. Huge,intimidating,white teeth and black and red fur. It glared at me through dark eyes, and raised a claw. 

I screamed then. 

I backed away, because I didn't want to kill it. It's eyes were dark, but there was something in them. I didn't know what. 

It raised a claw, and I had to meet the claw with my training sabre. In a flash it's arm lay on the floor,severed. There was no blood. And as I watched,a new arm grew in it's place. 

I don't know what happened next. I don't know how to explain it. The animal vanished. A red crystal took it's place. I picked it up and fixed it into the hilt alongside the blue one. The cave seemed to vanish, and there was light. It took me a moment to realise it was the glare of sun. 

Someone else came in. 

It was a boy. Older than me. Almost a man, in fact. He stood there, alone, looking hopelessly around for something. Every so often he would lift a shadowy object up, looking for something. I noticed he held a lightsabre hilt in his hand too, and then I noticed his eyes. They were sad. 

He looked straight at me. 

"Ben?" he said. 

I shook my head no. "My name is Qui-Gon. This is my lightsabre." I picked it up and handed it to the shadowy figure. He nodded. I saw him taking it apart, taking some of the pieces making mine and placing them in his own. I didn't mind. I was happy. 

The sun glared down. I couldn't be in the cave anymore. There was dust and sand beneath my feet. 

The man put my lightsabre hilt down on the floor. He looked at it, and then at me. But I got the feeling he couldn't actually see me. "Thank you." he said, and picking up his own 'sabre, left. I saw a sad resolution in his eyes before he vanished from view. 

I picked up my lightsabre. There were three crystals now. Blue, red, and a new one, green. 

I turned it on. The crystals and all the parts were still there. It glowed emerald. It looked right. 

The sun had gone. The sand had gone. I was alone in the dark. Time to leave. But the little animal was there, a saddened mess in the corner of the cave. I gathered it up-very,very nervously- and went outside, through the visions and ghosts, back to the snow. My Master was waiting for me. 

I bowed and held out the hilt for him. 

"Well done." he said, switching it on and seing the green light. "Very, very well done. What have you got there?" he asked, seeing the creature I was holding. I hurried out further into the snow and let it go. A few seconds later, a bigger creature- obviously it's parent- came and lifted it onto it's back. 

My Master came up and placed a hand on my shoulder. "Again,well done, Padawan. Let's go."   



	8. Like A Rainbow

Making 

***** 

3rd day,10th month,standard year 24933

We're on a ship right now. Only a few minutes before we land, I think. 

Another mission. Sort of my first offical one with Master Dooku. Tahl and Master Thea are with us- I'm not sure why. None of us asked Yoda, or I didn't anyway. This mission doesn't sound particularly dangerous, so I don't know why all four of us are being sent- but never mind. I'm glad to have Tahl with me. 

The planet's called Losta. I had to study it. I read that it's government are corrupt, and eliminate anyone who is opposing them. There's a group of people who want them removed, but they want things to be resolved with as little bloodshed as possible, so they sent for Jedi to negotiate. 

I hope we can help them. The data I studied had pictures too- awful pictures. I don't even like the _word_ torture. It frightens me. I know that's stupid. 

***** 

We landed and introduced ourselves. The government leader, along with a man called Alarta of Tynvant, came to greet us. I read a lot of things about the government leader-Kossa, I think his name is- and I was repelled and scared at the same time. His eyes were very blue- he looked nice, not how you'd expect a-well, a _murderer _- to look. I don't like him at all. I tried not to let it show. But I could tell he didn't like me. Or Tahl. He looked at us like we were silly little children, and didn't even bother speaking to us. Tahl made a face behind his back. Master Thea noticed and frowned, but she seems wary, too. 

We're staying in the Governor's house. It's nice. Sort of _too _nice. I don't much like it here. It feels like there's something hidden beneath the surface... 

Maybe I'm just paranoid. 

***** 

4th day,10th month,standard year 24933

I couldn't sleep last night. I tried everything. I just couldn't meditate, or get myself to relax, or anything. 

The negotiations are set to start tomorrow. Master Dooku and Master Thea took me and Tahl aside and said we had their permission to leave them for the day, and do what we wanted. They also told us to look out for anything strange or suspious. Tahl asked what exactly we should be looking out for, and Thea said "Just be sure to report back _anything_, big or small." 

I think they might be keeping something from us. I'd like to know why. 

Tahl seems to be enjoying herself. She's gone to get us some food. She's coming back now. 

***** 

Something's happened! 

Me and Tahl ate our food and went for a walk. Well, she ate and I worried. 

"What, exactly, do our Masters want us to do? You'd think they'd be a bit more specific...I think there's something they don't want us to know about..." 

"You are a worrywart," she said, and waved her finger at me. "Don't you want something to eat?" 

"I'm not hungry. I feel anxious." 

"Suits me just fine," she said, and started eating the things she was saving for me. I didn't mind. We kept going and then found a lake. It was a lovely place. It was the bluest lake I'd ever seen and there were statues all around it, with people crowding round and admiring them. 

Me and Tahl found a bench to sit on, and then someone came running through the trees in the forestry area behind us. He yelled, in this incredibly loud voice that could have shattered glass: 

"Demonstration! In the High Street. They're shooting at people!" 

Then I felt a change come over the people...happiness and calmness replaced by anger and excitement. I saw some of them reach for weapons in their pockets. One man drew a dagger. Others had blasters. And a young girl, standing near us-she had a sword. A real _sword_. Tahl sort of gawped, because you never see weapons like that anymore- they've all been replaced with easier things like blasters. And lightsabres. 

But this huge crowd of people turned and followed the man who had spoken, clutching their weapons and yelling angrily. Then the girl with the sword, running past us behind the others, stopped. "Aren't you coming?" she asked breathlessly. 

She was tall, with very red hair. Like fire- all red with yellows and oranges. And her face was pink, and she was wearing a green shirt and blue trousers. She looked like a rainbow. 

I said "Um," 

Tahl looked at the sword, then at the girl, obviously trying to picture her as a warrior. Then she said. "Um...we're not from around here." She seemed at a bit of a loss. 

"Well, where _are _you from?" she demanded. "Are you from the villiage? Are you from Tynvant, or one of the big cities?"   
She saw my face. It probably looked part awed, part scared, and part confused. "Are you even from around here at all?" 

"Er..no." Tahl said. She looked at the sword again, and said "We're Jedi." 

I almost groaned out loud, because our Masters hadn't even said anything about whether or not we were to reveal what we were. I was anxious already for a reason I didn't even know, and I didn't want to cause any problem on the planet... 

"Jedi" the girl repeated. "Yeah, right." 

I breathed a sigh of relief, but Tahl narrowed her eyes and pulled her lightsbare from her belt. It had been hidden previously, and mine was too. (It's only Tahl's training lightsabre, by the way, she hasn't been to Ilum yet.) 

The girl looked at the 'sabre, looked at Tahl, and then at me. "Let's see yours, then." 

"No!" I panicked. Then "Oh..all right." And I handed it to her. 

Yes, I do know that was pretty stupid. 

She didn't turn it on, but she looked very closly at it. "That's a real lightsabre, all right. So, unless you're tougher than you look and murdered someone and stole that thing, you _are _Jedi." 

Tahl nodded. 

"You're not-_the _Jedi?" 

"What do you mean?" 

"There's been all sorts of rumors- my mother says that the people in Tynvant-the ones who formed the resistance movement-have called for Jedi. So you're some of them-huh? You don't look much like my idea of Jedi." 

She didn't say it nastily, but Tahl said, a little crossly, "So what _is _your idea of Jedi?" 

"We're Jedi Padawans." I said. "We're here with our Masters. I expect they're more your idea of Jedi." 

She looked at us. 

"Hmmm," she said thoughtfully. "So you've come to talk with _Kossa_." She spat out the name. 

"Yes," Tahl said. "We want to bring peace to your planet."She spoke a little coolly. I had no idea why. 

"Yeah, well, speaking with Kossa won't get you anywhere. Speaking with the Tynvant people might not get you very far either. They only care about their precious city- pity it's nearly in ruins. Well, come with me- I think you Jedi should see something." 

Me and Tahl exchanged a glance. 

"Come on. You might find it interesting. If you know where the other Jedi are, tell them to come as well." 

We exchanged another look. 

"We can 't really go and get them." I said. "But we'll come with you." 

She nodded. "My name is Alixen Risus. Yours?" 

"Tahl Wildstar and Qui-gon Jinn." Tahl said rather crisply. Alixen started walking, just like, and we followed. 

"What are you _doing_?" Tahl hissed to me, keeping out of earshot. "This is so obviously a trap!" 

"We don't know that," I whispered back. "Her spirit is good. I'm sure of it. There's somthing there, but at the core she's good." 

"What something is this?" Tahl said scathingly, but then she had to shut up because Alixen stopped and waited for us to catch up with her. We kept walking, in silence, until we reached a house. It was tucked away in a corner of a field, surrounded by trees. The house itself looked really old, with bits of paint flaking off it- but Alixen pulled out a key, opened the door- and it was so colourful. Green carpets, walls painted a hundred different colours. There were pots of paints lying around, and the walls looked a little wet. 

Alixen opened a door and pushed us though it. 

It was a huge, huge room, like the Council Chambers. More colour. And people everywhere- people our age, as well as a few younger ones and one adult, a woman in a chair at the end of room. They looked up as soon as Alixen came in with us. 

Everyone went quiet as soon as she started speaking. "The Jedi. The young ones, anyway." 

Tahl drew in a breath. 

"I thought I'd show them round." she said. "Everyone, this is Tahl and Qui-Gon. Tahl and Qui-Gon, this is everyone." 

Tahl let out the breath. I smiled at the room, probably very nervously. 

"They're staying for tea," Alixen said "so extra food today. Treat them like you would any other guest." 

And then she just went off, and we were left standing there looking incredibly, incredibly awkward. 

"Hello." I finally said. 

One of the boys got up, and came to us. "Come on. I'll give you the guided tour." And he led us away. 

"This used to be a school," he began, leading us away from the hall and towards some stairs. "It's been closed down for ages. Alixen was the one who found it." 

"Why are you here?" Tahl asked.   
  
"Because we have no other place," he said, but he wasn't paying attention to us, and devoting his attention to unlocking one of the doors instead. "My father-Alixen's father, we're brother and sister, my name's Alex, by the way-was killed by the government. Even now we're not sure what he did to make them go after him. But me and Alixen and our mother, we were thrown out into the streets with nowhere to go. We came here. The others are people in similar situations." 

"But they're all kids, there's hardly any adults-" 

"Yeah, well." He'd got the door open. "They get pleasure in knowing they've nearly destroyed a child by murdering his or her parents. In front of them, sometimes." 

Tahl didn't answer that. I felt a bit sick, but perhaps that was because of the smell. Alex had ushered us into the kitchen. It was not a pretty sight. 

"How do you _cook_?" Tahl said incredulously. 

"With difficulty. I think some of the older kids steal from the villages, and we don't stop them. We don't have much." 

I wished Tahl hadn't eaten all the food we'd bought. "I could get you some things, if you wanted. We've got money- hang on-" 

I waited for Tahl to elbow me and say we shouldn't give things away to strangers, but she didn't. She was looking at a spot on the floor. It was stained with red. I thought it might be some food someone had spilled, or something innocent like that, but I knew as soon as I saw it that it wasn't.   
  
Alex looked at it too. "Yeah, this used to be a school," he said. "The Government didn't like their teaching methods. It was around the beginning of their reign...no-one's come back here since, except us." 


	9. Where No One Laughs

Making   
_9. Where No-One Laughs_

***** 

We've been here hours now. Mostly just sitting in the hall, watching people do things. Almost everyone seems to just sit around - some people tell stories to the youngest kids (There's kids as young as four here. I don't even want to think about it.) and some people draw on the walls and things, but no-one laughs. 

Well, Alixen does. She's the only person I've heard laugh. She came through the door a few minutes ago, and said dinner was served. And then she held up some dead animal, and everyone yelled. 

"Get that thing away!" 

"I'm NOT eating that!" 

"I'm not even going near it!" 

"Alixen, don't be stupid." (That might have been Alex, come to think of it.) 

She laughed, and said it was a joke and couldn't anyone take jokes, and walked out. She looked a bit downcast. 

"We should do something for her," I told Tahl. 

"_Why_, exactly?" 

"Because she's...well, look at her. Look at them." 

"I did," she said softly. "Perhaps you're right. But we have to go soon, anyway." 

***** 

We did go. We told Alixen and Alex that perhaps we'd see them tomorrow, and found our way back to the Governor's house, and our Masters. 

We told them what we'd found-the school of kids, and what happened to their parents. While my Master frowned deeply, Master Thea looked horrified. But they shooed us back to our rooms anyway. 

I've decided I can't stand people thinking I'm too young to understand. 

Tahl was really quiet on the way back from the school. I didn't try to ask her why, because if she's being quiet and you try to make her talk, you might get screamed at. 

***** 

5th day,10th month,standard year 24933

We went back there today. Our Masters didn't. I imagine they were working on some part of the mission that we're not supposed to know about. You'd think they'd tell _us-_maybe they will later... 

They said we had to be back in time for the negotiations. They start in about a quarter of an hour, so I'd better hurry with this.   


We practically ran to the school. Well, I ran; Tahl didn't. She didn't seem very enthusiastic about the whole thing, really. 

"Don't you want to help them?" I asked her. "Don't you even want to _see _them?" 

She scowled. "Of course I do. But I can't help thinking something's wrong." 

When we got there, I wondered if something was wrong too. Because everything seemed the same as it had been yesterday -except for Alixen. She looked the same -same clothes and same hair - and smiled when we came in, but she just felt different somehow. 

She was with the woman we'd seen our first visit - the only adult there. Alixen's mother. When we got to them, she'd fallen asleep, and Alixen walked to the other side of the room with us following. 

"She's ill," Alixen said matter-of-factly. "Really ill." 

"She's dying," one of the teenagers said. He was older then Alixen and Alex, probably one of the oldest. He was eating something I couldn't identify (and really didn't want to.) 

Alixen looked a little bit torn between hitting him or agreeing with him, but she did neither. She sort of shrugged. 

Tahl said, sounding much softer then she'd sounded with me, "I'm sorry, Alixen," 

Alixen nodded. Alex chose that moment to come in. 

"There you are," he said, moving towards Alixen. She gave him a look, and he stepped back. "Hello, you two," he said to us. We smiled and nodded, but I was wondering what was going on. 

"We...we want to help you in some way," I tried. "You shouldn't have to live like this." 

Tahl nodded. "I would hate it." 

"What were you thinking of doing?" Alex asked. 

"Well...we told our Masters." 

"And I suppose that helped." 

"No, it didn't. But...the negotiations are starting today." 

"The people in Tynvant care only about themselves," Alixen said, bitterly. "So they'll save their behinds, and things for us will go on as normal." 

"But they..." 

"It's pointless." 

"But you can't stay here." 

"Well, we've been here a while. Besides...we _are_ capable of finding ways to save ourselves." 

The conversation was over then. We didn't do a lot else. But we had brought food, and we gave it to them. I offered some to Alixen, and she asked where it came from. I said I'd taken it at supper-time at the Governor's house (They didn't notice. They are _seriously _unobservant) and sneaked it out to them. When I said "Governor's." Alixen spat at the food. Someone else ate it. They must be even lower on food than Alixen and Alex imply, because everything was gone within minutes. I spent most of those minutes trying to make sure everyone got a fair share. 

I nearly gave my robe to Alixen's mother, but Tahl stopped me. "You've only got one of them. You need it to wear at the negotiations. I'll give mine away, because I've got a spare somewhere." So she did. I wonder if Alixen's mother noticed. I hope she did. 

We had to hurry back. 

Must go now. 

***** 

I'm not sure how to write this. I feel really, really guilty. 

Maybe I shouldn't, but I do. Maybe it's not even guilt. And I feel a bit sick, too, come to think of it. I hate being sick, but I do it so often. 

I'm going on about nothing here...I'll try to explain, right? The negotiations started. They went on for almost an hour. An agreement was reached. I can't tell you everything that was said, because I can't remember it all and a lot wasn't very important anyway. Except...Master kept glancing at Governor Kossa, and he looked frightened and hot. Master Thea looked very displeased indeed. At my Master, that is. Whatever's been happening, I bet I don't get to know about it. 

But, when we were almost about to leave, I suddenly felt a disturbance in the Force, and then Master Thea screamed for everyone to get out, and as we made for the door there was a massive explosion. 

No-one was killed. I'm fairly sure of that. But many people were injured, and me and Tahl hurried to help them. It looked as though all our negotiations had been for nothing, too, because everyone was glaring daggers at each other. But a few seconds later two guards came round the corner, holding someone. That someone had red hair and was holding a sword. 

It was Alixen. 

***** 

Previous   
Next 


	10. Alixen And Alex

Making   
_10. Alixen and Alex_

6th day,10th month,standard year 24933

We're leaving. We're on the ship home. Tahl's gone somewhere else. She knows when I like to be left alone. 

Just when I was writing the last entry, Master came in. He said we were leaving. 

"But..." 

"The parties have reached an agreement." he said in his elegant voice. "There's nothing left to do here." 

I so nearly said "What about Alixen?" but the Force screamed at me "No!". At least, I think it was the Force. 

"Pack your things." Master said, and bizzarely, I wanted him to put his hand on my shoulder, and tell me Alixen was fine and nothing would happen to her for what she did. But of course he didn't. So as soon as he left, I ran out and downstairs and through countless corridors (They call this a house. It's more like a castle) and then I stopped next to a portrait, one of General Kossa in a heroic pose. The Force told me to take it down. 

I carefully unhooked it from the wall and put it on the floor. There was a door behind it. 

_Go down there _the Force said. 

I opened the door. Another corridor lay beyond it. The door at the end had a light under it, and that was the one I ran towards. 

I heard Alixen's voice. 

I saw the blood on the door and the walls. 

And although it was stupid (these past few days have really been days for doing stupid things) I opened the door. It opened easily. It was a huge, huge room. Alixen, Kossa and some guards were right down at the other end. They didn't see me. 

Kossa held a stick in his hand. 

"Was anyone with you at all?" 

"I said NO!" Alixen yelled. 

"No-one? No family member? No strangers picked up from the streets?" 

Alixen cursed at him. "No." 

There was a _crack _and Alixen moaned. 

"Alixen Risus." Kossa said. "Is that really your name?" 

"Yes." She was broken. 

"And this was entirely your own doing?" He gestured to something- a charred mess in the corner. It was a bomb. 

"Yes, I did it myself. It should have killed you. One day, something will, and I'll _spit_ in your _face _when I see you in hell." 

The guards mades '_Ooooo'-_ing sounds and one of them kicked her. 

"Firey little wench, this one." Kossa said. He waved his hand, oh-so-casually. 

"Go on, then." 

One of the guards pulled out a blaster. and pointed it at her. 

She saw me then. She smiled. Then there was a 'zing' noise. It could have been the sound of my lightsabre turning on, or the sound of a speeder zipping past, or the sound of metal hitting metal. but it wasn't. It was the sound of Alixen being put to death. 

I was out of there before they could see me. Back to my room. I told Master about the hidden corridor- and _then _he put his hand on my shoulder and said "Well done, Padawan." And then he was off. 

I think the Governor got arrested, or something. Something happened, anyway. But I don't know. And I can't make myself care. 

I told Tahl everything, though. She squeezed my hand, and we sat in silence, and then said "Alex." 

"What?" 

"Shouldn't we find him?" 

"We have -what, twenty minutes at best. Maybe if we ran, really really fast...." 

It was silly, but we ran out anyway. Before we were very far away from the house, we ran into Alex. 

He looked at us, we looked at him, and then he turned away. He walked. He kept walking and didn't look back. 

"Alex!" Tahl yelled. 

He didn't answer her. In fact, he started running, and was gone in a matter of minutes. 

We didn't have time to run after him. We watched him go. 

***** 

Previous   
Next 


	11. Musings

Making 

9th day,10th month,standard year 24933

I didn't even know Alixen very well. I wish I had. 

Why did the Force want me to witness her death? 

Why? 

***** 

10th day,10th month,standard year 24933

It doesn't matter what _I _feel. I think that Alex, back on Losta, must feel a hundred times worse... 

***** 

13th day,10th month,standard year 24933

Master took me aside today, and apologized to me for leaving me out of things on Losta. "You see, I am used to working alone," he told me. 

"But you were Yoda's Padawan. He wouldn't _let_ you do everything on your own." 

"Oh, he wouldn't?" 

He explained everything that went on at Losta - they suspected Kossa had secret rooms in his house where people were murdered, and all sorts of very illegal stuff. I asked him why Master Thea was angry with him. He didn't answer that one. 

It's no wonder we have no Master/Padawan bond. 

****** 

18th day,10th month,standard year 24933

I sound angry in that last entry. My apologies. 

****** 

19th day,10th month,standard year 24933

Well, no-one reads this except me, so there wasn't exactly anyone to apologize _to_... 

***** 


	12. Could Have Gone Worse

Making 

25th day, 10th month,standard year 24933

Today, early in the morning, Master came into my room.   
"Are things all right?" he questioned. 

I had a feeling that he'd been meaning to say that for a few days, but kept putting it off. I'm just a burden to him, I know it. 

Besides, I had wished previously that he'd ask me that question, but I'd wanted him to say "Are _you _all right?" instead of "Are _things _all right?" 

"I'm fine," I said. He gave a nod and turned to leave, then I said quickly, "Today is Clee's birthday. May I meet her?" 

"Yes," he said. He didn't sound disappointed, but for some reason I'd expected him to. Before long I was hurrying down to the Room Of A Thousand Fountains. Our meeting place. 

'Our'...I'm lucky to have such friends. Tahl, Clee, Binn, Somti, Mace...sometimes Nela and Plo...it's funny. Attachment is forbidden, and yet I don't know what I would do without them. 

Tahl says I am gifted at randomness. 

Anyway, I went to the Fountains, and found Clee and Tahl there. I gave a small bow to Clee, even though it wasn't nessicary. "Happy birthday." 

She giggled. "Thank you." 

We stayed there for a while, dicussing things- the past year, for example. 

"This year has been hard for you, hasn't it?" Tahl said, looking at me. "I was thinking, last night...well, I wasn't really, I was meditating, or trying to...I think Master Thea really doesn't like me...and I found you came into my thoughts." 

"What makes you think Master Thea doesn't like you?" I asked, a little bluntly. 

"Oh...it's just that..I'm far from the perfect Padawan, that much is obvious," she said. "I don't think...well, I don't think I'll be a good Jedi. Look it me...I have a temper, and I'm impatient and no good at most things...and Master Thea thinks that too. We're meant to be going on a mission tomorrow, but I think she'll leave me behind at the last minute." She didn't sound at all upset when she said all this, but I know one thing about Tahl a lot of other people don't: the less upset she sounds, the more upset she probably is. 

"You'll do just fine." I said. "You _will_." 

"Well, I hope so." 

We swam for a bit. Not for a long time, though, because there were classes as well. But after classes, in the evening, Tahl came to my Master's quarters to see me. 

"Going now," she said with a small smile. "She did take me, after all." 

"I knew she would." 

"I'll see you later, then." 

She doesn't say goodbye often. She likes to say _see you later _instead. 

***** 

4th day, 1st month, standard year 24934

New Year's day was a few days ago, but I haven't had time to write before now. Master told me to spend the first day of this year meditating on things to come. I couldn't see a thing. Anyone will tell you foresight isn't one of my strengths. Thinking to far into the past or the future makes my brain hurt. 

****** 

31st day, 1st month, standard year 24934

Tahl finally came back today! 

Clee found me in the star-map room, called that Tahl was back and ran off, leaving me to follow her. By the time I got there, Tahl was speaking to Master Mapru, one of the Council Members. 

"She was hurt," Tahl was saying. She didn't sound in the least upset, but me and Clee knew better. "It was my fault, Master," 

He examined her closely with his bug-like eyes. "Then go meditate on your mistakes, Padawan. We'll see that your Master is seen to." 

He caught sight of Clee and me. "You two. You may console your friend _later_." 

I don't know much about Master Mapru, but I know he isn't known for his warmth. Tahl had run off in the other direction anyway. It was a while before we found her. She wasn't meditating, and looked upset and angry. 

Me and Clee sat on either side of her. "C'mon, Tahl," Clee said "I'm sure it wasn't really your fault." 

"Yes it was," she answered. "I was showing off. Trying to impress her. I thought I knew things I didn't, and the other way around. She got hit by blaster fire and I thought she was _dead _for a minute." I put my arm around her at that point. She made no effort to shrug it off. 

"We all make mistakes." Clee said kindly. "Thea will forgive you." 

"I wouldn't count on it," Tahl said glumly. 

"You can go to the Healer's wing tomorrow," Clee said comfortingly. "We'll go with you." 

"Yes, I will," I said. 

"You see? Things will be fine." 

"All right," Tahl said. She wiped her nose on her sleeve, but she wasn't crying. She hardly ever cries. 

"I shouldn't be afraid of her," she went on suddenly. "She's my _Master_..." 

"Masters aren't parents." Clee said. "They're teachers. They make sure we're fed and looked after and they make sure we learn everything we're supposed to...and that's about it. They just care for us." 

I think that's true. Tahl got up. "Thanks," she said. "I'll go see her tomorrow." 

***** 

32nd day, 1st month, standard year 29434

Me and Clee met Tahl at the Healers. When we went in, we found Master Thea on one of the beds, a blanket pulled up around her. 

"Padawan," she said to Tahl. 

"Tahl nodded. "Master." 

"I'm glad you're here. I've been meaning to talk to you." she said to Tahl. "Could you two please leave us alone for a minute?" 

Tahl drew the curtains around the bed and me and Clee were left on the outside. We could hear bits of their conversation. 

"...you _are _arrogant, you _are _disrespectful..." 

Clee bit her lip. I imagined Tahl was doing the same thing. 

"...and it's my job to teach you how to overcome these flaws. I won't send you away. I intend to do my job properly." 

I jumped a bit at those words and I'm not sure why. They just seemed very cold things to say. 

Before long Tahl said 'see you later' to Thea, and we left together. 

"That could have gone worse." Clee said finally. 

"Yeah," Tahl said, and she was very quiet as we walked. 

***** 


	13. Birthday Presents

Making   


20th day, 2nd month,standard year 24934

Tahl was upset again today. Thea is back from the Healers, and she's...civil to Tahl. That's the only way I can describe it. She doesn't lecture her, or yell at her, but I can see why Tahl thinks Master Thea wishes she hadn't picked her. 

If I had a Padawan, I'd make sure they never got that upset because of me. And I'd make sure someone, anyone, did something about bullies like Dilan and Savus. I haven't mentioned Savus before...he's Dilan's friend. He's not nearly as, well, immature as him-he's a little older. That's what makes it worse- he knows how to hurt, I _know _he knows it's wrong and yet he does it anyway. He saw Tahl and me in the corridor, he said some stuff- and when Tahl told him to go away he laughed and said. "If I was your Master, I'd have dumped you by now. All the same, I think your real Master still might." I had to grab Tahl's tunic to stop her diving at him. 

I dragged her to the Room Of The Thousand Fountains, in a slightky vain attempt to get her to calm down. 

"That-that..." And then she began swearing in Huttish. Quite loudly. 

"Tahl, don't. Release your anger." 

"I'll release it alright. Into his face." 

She wound up stormiing away, without me, so I sighed and wandered off, to the Star-map room. Which is where I am now. 

I hope Tahl doesn't get into any sort of trouble. 

***** 

3rd day, 3rd month, stanard year 24934

Savus is avoiding us. Maybe Tahl told her Master, and Thea gave him a lecture. 

My fourteenth birthday in two days! 

***** 

5th day, 3rd month, standard year 24934

After today's lessons -dueling and diplomacy- Tahl grabbed my hand and dragged me to the Room Of A Thousand Fountains. She led me to the top of her favourite waterfall. 

"Happy birthday," she said, and handed me something. A single flower. Seven petels- one for each colour of the rainbow...all glitter inside and sparkling with the light.   
"It's _beautiful_."   
"It's not real," she said. "It's fake. I got it on the last mission me and my Master were on."   
"Real or not, I love it. Thank you."   
"You're welcome." 

There was a yell from the water below. It was Nela. "Hey, you two! Come on!" 

We climbed down-as fast as we could-and found all the others there as well. 

We spent the whole day in that room. It was emoty apart from us, for most of the day-Master Cilia came in, but she eventually went out again, only sitting in meditation for a few minutes. Then Master Mapru came in, saw us sitting around talking and frowned. 

"You children are cerntainly in here a lot...and I don't see you meditating or doing anything of use." 

"It's Qui-Gon's birthday," Clee said. "That's why we're all here." 

"Indeed. And isn't there anything more useful to do...assiting your Masters, doing something that may _benefit_ someone, if that concept isn't too alien to you?" 

"This is benefiting someone." Somti spoke up, and Mapru raised an eyebrow and waled out. 

I don't like him. I don't like him at all, actually. He was actually thinking of taking a Padawan, I heard- and Binn and Somti were on the list he was considering. I hope for their sake he changs his mind. 

When I got back to Master's quarters, he smiled and said. "Happy birthday, Padawan." and he handed me a present. A small basket. Inside were two small chocos, rolled up in beautiful wrapping of green and silver. 

"They're lovely," I said, although in reality I'd hoped for something more...personal than chocos. 

"All the way from Senali," he said to me. "Very expensive." 

I smiled back.   
"Padawan," he added "It's my own birthday very shortly...thirteenth of the third."   
"It is?" I said. I hadn't known that before. I know very little about my Master, now I come to think about it. I know his first name-Kanak-I know his age and I know his style of fighting (I can't beat him in duels, though. Not yet) but I don't know a lot. Not really. 

"Oh, you needn't worry about gifts," he said lightly. "Eat up, they're lovely." 

The chocos were gone in two small bites. 

******   
  



	14. More Birthday Presents

Making 

31st day, 3rd month,standard year 24934

I walked past Master's room this morning. I didn't want to disturb him. As I walked past I heard him whisper. _"Tell me...what should I do? I am no father, I'm barely a Knight myself."_

Perhaps he was speaking to the Force...or speaking to himself, even. But he didn't know I'd heard, so I just walked away. I'm not sure if that was the right thing. There are rules about the bonds betweeen Masters and Padawans...there's the ones like 'No lying' and 'Don't be disrespectful', but I expect what I did was probably against some rule, although I'm not sure what. 

I do want to talk to him, though. Sometimes it feels like we're just acquaintances, nothing more. 

***** 

I know. We never laugh together. We don't share smiles. 

***** 

1st day, expansion week, standard year 24934

I'd better start thinking about Master's birthday. Binn says there's some place in Coruscant near the Temple where you can use the holonet for free, and since I want to get Master something from his homeworld, Serenno, the holonet seems like the best idea. 

***** 

2nd day, 4th month, standard year 24934

I bought him something -a box, all the way from Serenno. It's got beautiful carving all over- horses and draigons- and with a gold clasp to keep it shut. 

I knew the box was perfect when I first found it -well, found the picture of it- because, well, I know something about Master Dooku that I don't imagine too many other people do. For all his grace and elegance and clever ways with words, he is _amazingly _messy. 

Well, his bedroom is, at least...it's a complete tip. Full of paper! You see...he likes to write. I think poetry, mainly. The few times I've been in there I've seen bits of it lying around. 

And then there's a pile of notebooks, and several (hundred) datapads, and all sorts of clever trinkets gathered from the far corners of the galaxy. I'd love to look at them all one day. And there's several photos, in pretty silver frames... 

You know, I still really can't imagine him being Yoda's Padawan. 

*****   
  
13th day, 4th month, standard year 24934

He hugged me when he saw the present. 

I hugged back. 

Yoda didn't send him a present...at least I think he didn't. For all I know he might've sent one but I just never saw it. I'm sure there's a reason.... 

*****   
  



	15. Life, Love, Dark, Light

Making   


27th day, 4th month, standard year 24934   
  
We were sent on a mission to one of the moons of Aurea. Me, Tahl, and our Masters, that is. It was just negotiations....it only took a few days and I didn't bring this journal with me. Tahl was fairly quiet throughout the whole thing. Sometimes I wish I knew what she was thinking. 

I ought to go meet her in the library now. 

****** 

The library was quiet when we got there. Me and Tahl kept quiet, talking in whispers. Discussing our Masters. 

"Master Dooku is fond of you, that's perfectly clear." Tahl said. "You remind him of him." 

"How do you know?" 

"Because he told me." 

I nodded and she suddenly said "Do you ever think about your old Master?" 

I jumped "Of course," I think about him all the time. How couldn't I? He was kind, and giving, and loving..." 

"Yes," she said, cutting me off. (she does that a lot, you know. It's annoying but I don't mind.) "I think Master Thea was friends with him. I brought him up in conversation once, and she shook her head crossly and told me not to speak of him again." 

"Why would she say not to speak of him?" 

"Because I think she's like that. She's sad so often, but she hides it. From me especially." 

There was so much unspoken there. I reached for a book. "Maybe..." 

CRASH! The whole stack of books fell. We both jumped and looked around. But amazingly it seemed no-one had heard. 

"Oh great," Tahl muttered. "We'd better pick this lot up." 

We started reaching for books and re-stacking them. I reached for a red one. 

I'm still not sure why. 

"What are you doing?" Tahl asked. I didn't know. 

I examined the book's cover. "Tahl, are you any good at languages- old languages?" 

"Why?" 

"Because this writing," I said, showing her a page. "looks like Yemiyan. It's a language that they..." 

"I know what Yemiyan is," Tahl interupted. "Ancient language, spoken by only a few people on only a few planets. What makes you think I'd know anything about it, hmmm?" 

"Master Thea's very good at languages, isn't she? I just wondered..." 

"She taught me some." she said thoughtfully. 

I let her examine the book. 

"Let's see..." she mused. "Yemiyan's not supposed to be too difficult once you get the hang of it...." 

She poured over it for a minute, muttering things, and finally said "It says: 'The book of Prophecies'" She frowned. "Prophecies are unreliable. My Master says so, your Master says so, the Council says so..." 

"But I don't say so." 

The pile of books completely forgotten, I sat down and opened the book to the middle pages. One of them was falling out. I desperately wanted to read it, but it too was written in Yemiyan. 

"Tahl, could you read this?" 

She took one glance. "No! That's too difficult. You'd need a proper expert for that." 

"Maybe your Master?" 

"You think she'd care about these things? I doubt it." 

"Can you give it a go?" I asked. Then I added. "Sorry. I know I'm being unreasonable, but..." 

"Not unreasonable. Just silly." She shook her head and sat next to me. "Right. Master told me to rely on the Force whenver I have trouble with an exercise. Maybe I ought to do that." 

She concentrated on the page. "First word is almost definately 'Life'"   


We were there for a while.   


"'Life will become a painless death' is the first line." 

Almost an hour passed. Tahl sent me off to find a datapad about the Yemiyan language, and somehow we managed to get through the first two verses. 

_Life will become a painless death_   
_Love will become a blinding hate_   
_Without dark there is no light_   
_Who will tell the future's fate?_

_Shadows of stars and the longest darkness_   
_Alll shadows that cover the heart_   
_Fate is not created by destiny_   
_In love and faith will the fight start._

"Fate is not created by destiny...." I murmured. An excited , slightly anxious feeling was taking hold of me. "Who will tell the future's fate?" 

"It's silly. It doesn't even make sense." Tahl said. "Please don't make me read the rest of it. Not now." 

"Thank you." I said. I think I had this wacky grin across my face. "Thanks, Tahl." 

There was a sound behind us. I turned to see the librairian, Vonmi Dross, looking very displeased indeed. Behind her stood a thin blonde girl of about eighteen, looking just as cross. 

"I assume you two are responsable for this?" Vonmi gestured at the mess of books. 

"Yes," I said. "Sorry...I'll pick them up." 

"See you do." the girl said, and they both headed off, Vonmi turning around to check I was actually doing it. 

Me and Tahl stacked all the books. 

"What was all that about?" Tahl asked. I knew what she was talking about. "It's probably not even a real prophecy. I bet it doesn't mean a thing." 

"I think it does...." I said, and I did. 

***** I said, and I did. 

Previous   
Next 


	16. Efficent

Making   


28th day, 4th month, standard year 24934

This morning, I found myself picking up my comlink and calling Tahl. 

"What _is _it?" 

"You know what we found in that book?" 

"Wha-oh, that. Why would you...ah." I had the feeling she was shaking her head. "You think the prophecy involves you in some way!" 

Arghh! She's good at figuring things out- good at finding out things I wouldn't tell her! 

"Well, I...I just think there's something more to it...." 

"Typical male- spectacularly arrogant." 

"Look, Tahl...I was just wondering if we could go back to the library and try to work out the rest of the verses." 

"What makes you think I'd want to?" 

"Please?" 

"Well, it's not like I had anything better to do anyway." 

So we hurried to the Archives, and went straight to the place where we thought the books had been. They weren't there. 

"Maybe they've moved them somewhere else?" 

So we started looking, poking about...and we practically crashed into to one of the other Archivests. Her name is Lewuli, and she is very short- I tower over her- but she could strike fear into the heart of a Sith Lord. The girl- the blonde one we saw yesterday- was standing behind her, and gave us one of those 'We are Archivests. FEAR US!" looks. 

"Um, excuse me," I said. "But could you show us where the books are?" 

Lewuli looked at us and shook her head, probably thinking what stupid kids we were. "The books...we threw them all out." she said. "Books are out of date...datapads are used now, they're far more efficent. Besides, those books took up space."   
She nodded curtly and turned away. The girl said to Tahl "If you want to try and look for them, you could try raiding the bins..." Then Lewuli called her away. 

"I just realised- I know that girl." Tahl mused. "Jocasta. She and Nela used to be good friends...." 

"They threw the books away?" I said, dumbstruck. "But thats....I mean...now how are we.....?" 

"There's nothing we can do about it." Tahl said. "Come on," 

We stayed in the library and did some studying. 

"Do you suppose they knew....that one of those books had a prophecey?" 

"Well, Qui-Gon, not everyone has their head in the clouds like you." she said, half-teaseingly. "There's only a few prophecies that the Council takes seriously, and I don't think they're very reliable, either." 

"But...." 

"What do you want with propheceies anyway? In meditation, you're the one who's always muttering to himself 'focus on the moment, don't think about the past, don't think about the future...." 

"Well..." 

I want to find the Temple bins (has _anyone _ever seen the bins?) but I don't think Master will let me. 

***** 


	17. Nature's Fury

Making   
  


5th day, 5th month, standard year 24934

Master burst into my room, saying urgently 'Hurry and get dressed. The Council's called us." 

I didn't understand why, as we'd just returned from a mission,but before I knew it, we were standing before the Council, who informed us there had been an earthquake on some planet called Kidia, and we were being sent there, along with other teams of Jedi. 

_Then _before I knew it, we were on the ship to Kidia, with Somti and Plo. 

***** 

Plo is another friend...he's not a best friend, but I know him and like him a lot. 

I don't want to write what happened today...I'll write tomorrow. Or even better, I'll write when all this is over. 

******   


6th day, 5th month, standard year 24934

We're leaving tomorrow- and more happened today that I didn't want to talk about, but I knew that if I didn't write it down now I never would: 

Master told me and Somti to take the east side of the ruined city. We went. 

"Watch out for aftershocks." Somti's Master called. 

(Yes, I forgot to mention...he was chosen! And it wasn't by Master Mapru. He was chosen by a Twei'lek Master....I can't remember her name, but I do remember she trained Nela's sister) 

"Check for survivors. Take them to the med-center." added my Master. "Leave any dead." 

We took food and medical supplies, and went to do what we were told. 

Somti found her first. 

A little girl, trapped under the rubble. She was no more than eight. Her eyes were closed but she was breathing, and as we worked to free her she opened her eyes and said: 

"Thirsty." 

I gave her some water, and once she was free she collapsed in Somti's arms. 

"What are you?" she stammered at him. 

Somti grinned at her. "I'm a Teevan." 

"Never seen nothing like you...." She herself was a Human, with very dirty red-blondish hair. I used the Force, checking to see if there were any internal injuries. There weren't. And she looked fine, too. But she was covered in dirt, and then I saw cuts all along her arms and legs...I noticed a deep one on her shoulder, and started to clean it. 

"Listen," Somti said gently. "Do you know where your parents are....?" 

She scowled. "Always get asked that. Don't _have _no parents." 

Me and Somti exchanged a look. 

"I ran away from my aunt," she explained calmly. "Came here to find my brother." 

We exchanged another look. "What's your name?" I asked her. 

"Kini." 

"Kini," I told her gently. "you'd better come with us. You need food and water and you might need a healer to see you, too..." 

"I'm not hungry," she said. "An' I'm not thirsty anymore. Can you help me find my brother?" 

I was completely bemused. I suspect Somti was too. 

"Do you know where your brother is?" I asked. 

"No." 

"We'll look for him. We promise," Somti said firmly. I nodded. 

"Come on, we'll take you to the nearest med-center..." 

I took her, and Somti stayed behind to sort through the rubble and see what he could find. Before I left her safely with the Healers, she turned to me and said. 

"My brother's called Alex. He might not be here anymore. I wanta find him." She looked miserable all of a sudden. "He was the one who sent me to my aunt. He told me something happened and I had to find him." 

_Alex!_

The same Alex? Alixen's brother? 

I didn't know, but I found myself opening my mouth anyway. 

"I'll find him for you." I said. "Promise."   
  


As for things I don't want to talk about...oh, there were plenty. We didn't find nearly as many survivors as everyone had hoped. We found other children, other people...at least half of them, we discovered, died at the med-centres. And some died barely seconds after we'd dug them out. 

I was crying when I got back to my Master. I tried to hide it. To my surprise, he shook his head sympathetically. There has been just one other mission where I saw people...killed. (it was the one before we went to Kidia. I didn't much want to write about it.) He was ruthless then...telling me to feel no remorse for them. But then, it was a war raging through the planet, and those people had set out to kill others because they were told to, and the Kidian people...they were killed by nature's fury, not killed by their own people. I don't understand it either. Whoever they killed or were killed by, they were still people. Wars or no wars they still died. 

"We're going to burn the bodies. Perhaps you should go inside." Master said. 

I did. 

I have to contact Alex. But what if he's....? 

***** 


	18. Good Luck

Making   


7th day, 5th month, standard year 29434

To Alex, 

Tahl managed to track you down. Well, she tried, but neither of us can be sure that this letter will reach you. 

Just a few days ago, we were rescuing survivors of an earthquake on a planet called Kidia. Do you know it? Because me and one of my friends found a little girl. Her name was Kini. She said she was looking for her brother...her brother called Alex. 

I don't know if it was you who she's looking for, but I think it is. She's still on Kidia. She's safe, and unharmed by the earthquake. 

Good luck, Alex   


--Qui-Gon and Tahl 

***** 

8th day, 5th month, standard year 24934

He hasn't replied... 

***** 

9th day, 5th month, standard year 24934

Impatience is a weakness....   
  



	19. Circles

Making   


***** 

10th day, 5th month, standard year 24934

It was Tahl's birthday today. 

I was up all night worrying! Well, first I was worrying about the letter we sent Alex, and then I was worrying about whether my present for Tahl would be good enough. 

I'd worked hard at it....it was another stone. I'd have really liked to go all the way to Alderaan or Rutan to get a real one, but I couldn't. I bought it from a shop which sells stones from all over the galaxy. The one I chose is from Naboo. It's a light purple - her favourite colour. I spent hours with a knife carving it into a perfect circle shape. When I'd finished it was a lot smaller than it had previously been. So small that the only writing I could fit on it was 'To T. From Q.'. 

I found her in the Room Of A Thousand Fountains. Next to the biggest waterfall, where Nela and her sister Vell were swimming. 

"Happy birthday!" I called, and handed her the stone before I got a chance to change my mind. 

It looked even smaller in the palm of her hand. When she looked up she was beaming. 

"It's beautiful!" 

I breathed a sigh of relief. 

"It must have taken you ages!" 

"I wanted it to be a circle," I explained. "Because circles last forever." 

"Like us," she said. 

"Yes, like us." 

There was a slight noise behind us. We turned to see Master Mapru. 

He examined the stone in Tahl's hand. "Very nice," he said, nodding at me. "Perhaps you should put as much effort into other things as you did into that." 

I reddened and turned away. 

"Material pocessions shouldn't be allowed." he said, his eyes in the back of my neck. "They are distracting and unessacary." 

I knew it wasn't a good idea to start disagreeing with him. What was he doing here anyway? 

"I'm looking for a friend of yours," he said coldly. "Binn Ibes." 

"You're not taking him as Padawan, are you?" Tahl asked, and then realised saying that had been a mistake. 

"That's none of your business, young apprentice," he said venomously, and went on his way. 

I know who he reminds me of. He reminds me of that man in the Ilum caves. The one who asked me if I knew what I was going to do...who said I killed them. 


	20. Only Time Will Tell

Making 

****** 

12th day, 5th month, standard year 24934

Master stuck his head round my door and said 'Padawan, would you do me a favor? Take this down to the bins." 

It was a waste-paper bin, loaded to the brim with crumpled paper. When he's not on a mission and has no jobs to do, he likes to write. There's another reason why his room is so messy, I guess. (And I suppose he's rubbing off on me, because my room's a complete tip. If Yoda saw it...). He writes poetry, mostly. Once I was in his room, and saw it lying about. He's really good at it. 

_Part heaven; part hell_   
_It's true what they say: only time will teell_

That was my favourite....and there were plenty more. I wonder if he minded me seeing them? I really, really hope not...I didn't actually mean to see them.... 

But anyway, I asked where the bins were. He sighed and said. "So. You know your katas, yoou know the history of the Jedi, you know how to deflect blaster shots, and yet you don't know the layout of the Temple." He gave me detailed directions and I went. The bins are _massive_. Well, I suppose they must be, to have to hold the waste of a whole Temple. I dropped the rubbish in one of them....the one marked 'Paper' and found something on the floor next to it. 

The torn page of the book I found. 

****** 

After lunch I went to Tahl and Thea's quarters. I told Tahl what was going on....and then I asked Master Thea if she could tell us what was on the paper. Tahl said it was for a 'very important thing' concerning some mission Clee was going on. She's such a liar! 

"Here," Tahl says. "Master, please tell us what this means." She pointed to the paragraph we didn't have time to translate in the library. 

Thea sighed and scanned it, muttering things to herself. "I may not have got it exactly right, but I believe it says '_Two sons of fallen ones, to giude and save the light. Two daughters of the universe-bright stars in the dark night. One to choose the future...the choice of light or love._

_"Seek the answer in the first betrayal_." 

She handed it back to me. "Where did you find this?" 

"The library." 

She raised an eyebrow. "I don't think you two should get any ideas...these things are often nothing more than the delusions of madmen." 

She walked into her own room, and I turned to Tahl. 

"I think you believe in this, don't you?" 

"Not much. I'm just curious." 

Yeah right! 

***** 

Of course it means something...I'm just so sure. I thought of showing it to my Master. Maybe I willl....maybe I won't. He doesn't strike me as the type to take interest in prophecies. 

I really don't know much about him, do I?   
  
***** 


	21. Amiri

Making 

18th day, 5th month, standard year 24934

Mapru didn't take Binn as an apprentice. He took Dilan instead. Nela told me about it today. 

"They deserve each other!" I said. 

"I know!" She smirked. "He's such a brat. They all are...Dilan and Savus and Vulna. Why don't they get thrown out?" 

Vulna is a new 'sidekick' of Dilan's....he's younger than Dilan or Savus, and I bet he'd be a brilliant Jedi if he hadn't fallen in with them. 

***** 

I feel sick....where's my Master? He should be back by now... 

***** 

19th day, 5th monh, standard year 24934

In bed, and think I'm about to throw up. 

I got a virus of some kind! Master thinks it's probably something some friend brought back from a mission....that happens a lot, actually. Just not often to me! 

And just to top it off, Master's been called away on a solo mission! And it's supposed to be a dangerous sort of mission! I wanted to come! Even if I was sick! It isn't fair! 

I think I'm going to be sick again, so I'd better put this down. I don't want to throw up on it. 

****** 

I fell asleep. Master put his hand on my shoulder to wake me up and when I looked up there was a woman standing with him. She was very pretty....human with blonde hair. She gave me a slightly timid smile and I liked her instantly....she seemed to radiate warmth. She was wearing a purple decoration in her hair, and while she wasn't thin like Tahl or Clee, she wasn't fat either. 

"Padawan, this is Amiri," Master said. "A Padawan of Della Luthin." 

I knew about Master Della....she was a good friend of Yoda's. She might have been a Padawan of his, I can't remember. She was kind, a great teacher, and very tall. She's one of the only people who ever called me short. 

"She'll be looking after you while I'm away," Master said. "I shan't be long, Padawan, so you won't have to put up with her for long." He grinned at her. 

For just one split second I felt jealous...he so rarely grinned at me. and I think he must have sensed it....because he leaned over and grinned at me too. 

"Be nice to her, Qui-Gon." 

He left, with a wave, and I was left with Amiri. She gave a laugh and sat on my bed (being careful not to sit on me) 

"I know you," she said with a smile. "You're friends with Clee Rhara." 

"Uh-huh," I said. (I didn't want to talk too much for fear of throwing up on her) 

"And the dark-haired girl...Tahl. And you won the lightsabre tourament some time ago...." 

I nodded while she talked. She talked a lot! And I talked too. 

"I'm from Tatooine," she said. "I was a slave. I lived with my aunt, she was a slave and she was always beaten....I was never beaten. Too valuable." Her face hardened. When she was angry she looked even prettier. 

"I used to dream about freeing slaves," she said thoughtfully. "I still do." 

"I'll free them for you," I suggested, and then felt STUPID beyond belief. 

She must have thought I was stupid too. She giggled. "I don't doubt you will. But I fear you'll find....like me....that there's other things you should be doing." 

She slept in Master's quarters for the night. She snores! 


	22. Thank You

Making 

***** 

21st day, 5th month, standard year 24934

I'm better now. I was sick all day yesterday. Amiri made food...she's a really good cook. She talked about my Master. 

"He may look cold and uncaring....trust me, that's what I thought he was like. But I couldn't have been more wrong." 

"Yes," I said. "He seems different around you...." 

"He's like that." she said with a shrug. "We're like brother and sister." 

"How come he never told me about you?" 

"Oh., I don't know...he likes keeping secrets. Can't help it. Daft man." 

***** 

23rd day, 5th month, standasrd year 24934

Amiri left today. Ran out giggling after a mock arguement with my Master. 

They remind me a lot of me and Tahl....Maybe it should've been Amiri who took Tahl as Padawan. They'd get on so much better then Tahl and Thea. 

***** 

24th day, 5th month, standard year 24934

Alex still hasn't sent any reply. I'm not sure he's going to. I just really hope he does. 

***** 

2nd day, 6th month, standard year 24934

He wrote back! 

_Dear Qui-Gon and Tahl_

_Kini is safe with me. We're both going away, somewhere where there will be no earthquakes or tyrants looking to kill us. Our mother is dead now- we're all the family that's left. I thought I was the only one. I was so relived to know I wasn't._   
_Thank you._

_--Alex._

*****   



	23. The Living Force

Making 

19th day, 6th month, standard year 24934

Yesterday I thought I was going to lose this journal. 

You know one thing I don't like...maybe even hate myself for? I'm never, ever worried about my Master. Even when we're in the heat of battle, like we were yesterday, I just wasn't afraid for him. I was more afraid for this _journal_. Can you believe that? 

I can't understand why. Maybe because I've never seen him hurt that badly...he's such a brilliant fighter he never seems to pick up more than a scratch. _Me_, on the other hand.... 

Just to make it worse, at the end of the mission, when the King and his children were safe and so were me and my Master....Master put his arm around me and said. "Well done, Padawan. You know, loyality and devotion like yours is hard to find these days," He looked so proud. It made me wonder what I'd done. "Ah, my Padawan...we can and will change the galaxy!" 

He has funny moments like that. Moments where he'll say something like that...."_We CAN and WILL change the GALAXY!_"   
and as he said it he steered me over to the window and stood there with one hand on my shoulder and the other spread out as if singing in a opera. 

Maybe it as something to do with Yoda and all his talk of no emotions. Or as my Master says it, No Emotion. 

You know what I suddenly thought of? The Code says so much about hating. But it never says anything about hating yourself. 

***** 

30th day, 6th month, standard year 24934

Vulna beat Tahl in a lightsabre duel....and taunted her so much about it and Master Thea's disappointment in her that she was nearly in tears. 

The Masters must know about things like this...so why don't they _do _anything about it? 

****** 

34th day, 7th month, standard year 24934

Today, for no real reason, I went up to the highest level, onto a balconey, and climbed up the highest tower right onto the roof. And I wasn't afraid. So my eyes were closed for the last few steps or so, but that doesn't mean a thing! 

I got up to the very top and opened my eyes. The world and the people and millions of adventures stretched out before me. It was so amazing I forgot to be afraid. 

There were ships not too far below me- I felt like I could jump onto one and it would take me wherever I wanted to go. The wind was in my hair, and the air for once smelt of something other than metal and glass. If I wasn't in danger of falling to my death, it would be the perfect place to meditate. 

Then I heard Tahl yelling, and that startled me out of it. What was I doing!? I could have died! 

(Actually, that's more or less what she was yelling....'Get DOWN from there, you IDIOT! You're going to FALL to your DEATH!" ) 

I swallowed and started to climb down slowly, using the Force. When I was safely in front of her, I saw she looked livid. 

"Qui-Gon Jinn, what did you think you were doing?! That was so stupid...no-one ever done anything like that before....if your Master saw...." 

I felt guilty all of a sudden. "I'm sorry," I said. 

"You could have DIED!" 

She sounded so much like a mother or a big sister that I almost laughed, but I bit it back just in time. "Honestly. I'm sorry I scared you." I'd be pretty scared if it was her doing something dumb. 

"Hmmmm." She slipped her hand into mine. "Please don't do that again." 

"I won't." 

We walked back to the window, hurrying so no-one would notice we were gone. "Why in the world did you do that anyway? What was up there?" 

"The Living Force," I said. "People say there's not much of it on Coruscant." 

"Oh, I see." I don't know if she actually did. Perhaps. She understands me more than most people. "But you shouldn't have done that. It's dangerous at the best of times, but there's a storm coming, too..." 

*****   
  



	24. Be Strong

Hey...if anyone wants to learn more about this story they could go to ; :)   


Making 

7th day, 8th month, standard year 24934

When I woke up I knew something was different or wrong somehow. I had to flick back through the journal before I worked out what. 

One year ago my Master died. 

I meditated. I was hoping, just hoping, that I'd hear him, maybe even see him...it's not unheard of for things like that to happen, even if everyone says it's only in imaginations that dead people are heard. But imagination or not, I just wanted to hear him... 

I didn't. I didn't tell my Master that was why I meditated so long. I went to my room and lit a candle, and then went to the star-map room. I found myself looking at Avino for ages. 

***** 

8th day, 8th month, standard year 24934

This is going to take some explaining. 

I went to lightsabre class...According to Tahl, Dilan and Vulna were teasing her and I tried to stop them and that led to me and Dilan having a fight. (Master Kiloxan-our lightsabre teacher- isn't impressed, was another thing she said). And Dilan knocked me out, apparently. I woke up in the healer's. 

I was tired but they all said I could go if I wanted, so I went, and I went down the corridor and I passed the star-map room, and in my mind I saw Avino. I saw a woman clutching a child. I saw devastation. 

I saw my Master- I suppose I got my wish to hear or see him again after all-holding a bright red lightsabre, and I saw him in a furious rage, murdering and destroying...and it seemed like a nightmare I couldn't wake from, and it had to be a nightmare, it had to be... 

It isn't, is it? 

Force, it isn't. 

***** 

It's night time. The thunderstorm Tahl mentioned was raging all day. 

After what happened I went straight to Tahl. She listened, probably at first thinking I had lost it, and then slowly I saw horror come into her eyes. 

"A red blade," she mused urgently. "That means that blade has been used to kill in anger or cruelty or revenge...._Gods_...are you completely sure about this?" 

"Yes," I said, feeling sick and anxious. The feelings that I felt on Avino, they were coming back with twice their power. 

"Maybe I should..." For some reason I thought she was about to turn and abandon me. She didn't. 

She tried again. "Do you think...." 

"Something's going on," I said. I hoped I wouldn't throw up. Have you noticed I do that a lot? I probably have a weak stomach or something. "You're really good at research, Tahl. I want....I want to know what's happening...what happened on Avino." And then I remembered my Master, desperation all over him, saying to me _"Be strong, my little one." _and walking away... 

...walking away from me... 

...walking away to die... 

I wanted to take back the words I'd just said, but nothing would let me. And Tahl nodded. "I'll do my best...."   


***** 

It's now six hours later. Night-time. Tahl called. "I've found something out. Do you know any people called Mynarta and Ranleo...Mynarta and Ranleo _Karshan_?" 

My heart sank and I whispered "No." 

"You'd better sleep. I'll see you in the morning, alright?" She sounded like she'd do anything to not have to tell me what she was going to have to tell me. 

Obviously, I'm not asleep. 

***** 


	25. The First Betrayal

Making   
  
9th day, 8th month, standard year 24934

I got about two hours of sleep. Tahl woke me up early. 

"These people I told you about...they're Karshan's wife and son," she said. I remembered the woman and the child. Them. "Both of them are dead...they were killed in the fighting on Avino." 

"Is...that it?" 

"I think...." She swallowed. "I keep making guesses about what happened, and they're all horrible....oh, why _you_?!" She'd set me off now. I was thinking all sorts of things, each one worse than the next. "Listen," Tahl whispered. "I think we need to talk with your Master, and maybe Yoda." 

She took my hand, held it firmly and lead me out of the room. 

(If you can hear me, Force, thank you for making her my friend) 

***** 

We waited for ages outside the Council room. That was where I wrote the last entry. I had to do something, I felt sick. Hot one minute and freezing cold the next. Tahl went off to find my Master and fate chose the moment she went away to have the Council tell me to come in and tell them what was going on. 

I did. 

And I will never forget the expression on Yoda's face. It was part "_No!_", part "_Yes!_" and part "_What in the galaxy are we going to do now?_" 

"Tell me what happened." I said, and added "And tell me why I couldn't remember any of it." And the Council- Master Mapru included....looked at me like I'd turned into a Sith before their eyes. 

Yoda opened his mouth to speak, and then my Master and Tahl burst in. Yoda, unconcerned, spoke anyway. 

"Now is not the place for this. Padawan Jinn, return to your quarters. Padawan Wildstar, accompany him. Speak of this with Master Dooku, I must." 

***** 

It's been almost an hour and they haven't come back. I told Tahl she could go, and she didn't. She made me some food instead. 

***** 

They came back. I stood in front of them, Tahl sitting on a chair behind me, and they talked. 

_'Padawan, you must understand all this....'_

_'....we thought it was best you didn't know...'_

_'you shouldn't have found out...'_

_'Master Karshan, evidently, had a secret family on Avino. A wife and a child. They were killed in the war there...your Master used the Darkside and slaughtered a great many people. He...betrayed you.'_

_'Then, something made him come around. That something was you. Realising he could never reverse what he had done, he died in battle. He was anxious to ensure nothing happened to you...'_

_'...we were relived when we found you were safe...hadn't used the darkness, hadn't died...'_

And they looked at me and I looked at them. 

_Why did they block my memories?_

That was what I really wanted to know. What I said was: 

"You might at least have given him a proper Jedi funeral." 

When they'd all left....Tahl included....I hid under the bedcovers and cried. 

**** 

10th day, 8th month, standard year 24934   


I went to my Master's room. 

"That was why they let me visit my parents, wasn't it? To get me out of the way." 

He looked up, completely defeated. "Yes." 

****** 

I had to talk to him again. "How did Dilan know?" 

He frowned for a minute then worked it out. "Dilan is clever," he said heavily. "For fun, he builds droids to listen in on conversations, and he hacks into private records. You'd think one of us might have guessed, especially Yoda! He knows most of what goes on here, after all." 

I nodded and turned to go, then he added. "Don't think....Padawan, we wanted what was best. I did. Yoda did. We're sorry for anything...." He trailed off. I mananged a smile and went to my room to write this. 

***** 

He _betrayed_ me... 


	26. Not Morning Yet

Making 

***** 

9th day, 9th month, standard year 24934

It's been a long month.   


***** 

10th day, 10th month, standard year 24934

News got out, of course. The whole Temple knows what really happened to my Master. And they're treating me like I'm about to explode and kill someone any second. 

Not my friends, though. 

***** 

35th day, 9th month, standard 24934

Somti's birthday. He's not here, though,so I can't wish him happy birthday....he's away on a mission somewhere. His first mission. 

***** 

8th day, 10th month, standard year

I had a nightmare last night. Master Karshan was standing there, and then in an instant he was far older than I remembered him, standing in a hangar or something, and dueling with someone whose face I couldn't see. 

I screamed 'NO!' But I didn't wake up. I saw I saw Master Karshan still dueling with this other man, then send him crashing to the floor, then slicing off the arm of someone else, then turning to Master Yoda. 

Then I opened my eyes and saw my Master. He looked more concerned then I'd ever seen him. "Padawan, I heard you scream..." 

I shook my head. "It was...just a nightmare." 

He nodded. He lifted my braid gently and tucked it behind my ear. "Don't dwell on it, Padawan. They're figments of the imagination, nothing to fear. Meditate, in the morning, instead." He left the room, giving me a smile as went away. 

It's not morning yet, and I haven't slept.   



	27. More Musings

Making 

***** 

2nd day, 1st month standard year 24935

Dilan and Savus are creeps! Why why _why _are they still here? Dilan's always looking at me, and when I look back at him he does this stupid exaggarated act of clutching his throat and falling back in his chair, pretending I've Force-choked him. I just can't stand it! Master talked to Master Mapru about it, but when he came back he was muttering things about stubborn parasites and the Order being destroyed from the inside. I imagine it didn't go well, then. 

Vulna's so annoying too! Tahl says that if only he wasn't so easily led by Dilan he'd be really nice, so she always tries to talk to him, and he always snaps at her or just plain ignores her. Yesterday, she told me, she went to Vulna in the library and went up to him...then Savus jumped out from behind a shelf and told her to get lost. 

Savus, though....I will say one thing for him. He's nicer when Dilan isn't around. Quieter, and less inclined to insult people for no reason. And Dilan's around less and less these days. He was away on a mission all of last week with Master Mapru, protecting a Prince of Alderaan. He was bragging about it....about all the stuff he probably didn't do....yesterday. I just felt sorry for the prince. 

****** 

14th day, 2nd month, standard year 24935

Back from a mission. It was far shorter than we expected and the second we got back, Master went to see Amiri. When he came back he was beaming. 

"Amiri told me she's chosen a Padawan! I always thought she should..." 

"Who?" I asked. Some part of me hoped that it'd somehow be Tahl, but that was nearly impossible. She _has _a Master, I keep reminding myself. 

"Vulna Rolab." 

"....oh."   


*****   
  
  



	28. Time Is An Illusion Lunchtime Doubly So

Making   


tapani day, standard year 24935

I had another nightmare. Both my Masters fighting and killing each other. Well, I won't listen. I won't listen. 

***** 

Apart from the nightmare, today was the best day since...since _then. _We- me and Tahl and Clee and Plo and Nela and Mace and Somti and Binn-were in The Room Of A Thousand Fountains. In the corner we've started to call _our _corner. By the side of the smallest waterfall. It may be the smallest but it's my favourite. 

Anyway, Binn told us about a game he'd heard of from a friend outside the Temple. Tahl said we were too old for games, but the rest of us leaned in to listen and she did too, but not without whispering that if her Master knew she was playing games all day she'd get in trouble. 

"It's called Truth or Dare," Binn said importantly. "We take turns asking each other if they'd like to tell a truth or do a dare. If the person chooses 'truth' they get asked a question, and they have to answer that question truthfully, no matter how embarrassing it is." Clee and Nela smiled. "And if they choose dare, they have to do a dare. The only rule for that is nothing stupid or dangerous." 

We nodded. Tahl nodded too, grinning a little now. 

"Sit in a circle," Binn instructed. I sat inbetween Tahl and Mace. "We'll start with me. So, Somti, ask me." 

"Er...truth or dare?" 

"Truth!" he called dramatically. Clee shushed him. 

"Truth...." Somti mused. "What sort of truth?" 

"The whole truth, and nothing but the truth," Binn said cheerfully. "It can be funny or serious. Whatever you want." 

"Okay...." He considered this for a few seconds, then finally said. "What's your favourite colour?" 

Clee shook her head. "That's not a...." 

"No," Binn said. "You have to answer whatever question you're given. So....." He pretended to be in deep thought for a second and then said, "Orange. Right, my turn. So I have to ask you, Nela." 

"Fire away." 

"Truth or dare?" 

"Truth." 

A few more seconds of deep thought, then he grinned mischeviously. "Tell us all one thing about your sister that she wouldn't like us to know." 

"I don't think that's very...." Tahl began, but Somti and Plo shushed her. Nela smiled at Clee. 

"One thing...I don't know _much _about my sister, you know. She's a Knight now, remember?" 

Nela is the oldest out of all of us. She's seventeen, nearly eighteen, and Vell is twenty-five and past her Trials. 

"Anything. Go on," Somti urged. 

I noticed her begin to smile too. "Alright. When she was little, she had this blanket. It was meant to be pink, but it'd faded to grey. It's all sticky and never gets washed and has holes in it. Now, you'd think she'd have thrown it out when she reached her fifteenth birthday...but she didn't. She's still got it." 

She looked around hopefully and Clee snickered. Tahl grinned. "So Nela asks me, right?" 

"Yep," Binn said. 

Nela turned to Tahl. "Alright. Truth?" 

Tahl pondered. "Truth." 

"Right," Nela pondered too, trying to think of a clever question. I remembered it was my turn next. 

"When will time end?" she finally said, rather proudly. Binn looked irratated that he didn't come up with that one himself. 

"Time? Time is an illusion," Tahl said teasingly. "What sort of question is that?" 

"A deep and profound one." 

"Rightttttt....how am I meant to know the answer? I thought you were meant to ask personal questions...." 

"Just answer it!" she said. 

"The....year 24974!" That earned her some very odd looks. She turned to me. 

"Truth!" I said quickly. 

"Describe yourself in one word." She smirked. 

"....arrrgh." 

"_Arrrgh_?" 

"It's one word and it describes me perfectly!" 

There was more after that, of course. Binn wound up admitting he was scared of the dark, Tahl admitted she hated heights, Mace told us if he wasn't a Jedi he'd like to be acting at a theatre in Coruscant, Clee had to stand up and sing-she can't sing at all!-and Somti was dared to hide in Yoda's closet for a full five minutes, and he made me go with him! We wound up being chased through the corridors with Yoda waving his stick at us, and that was where the game ended. As punishment, we had to skip lunch to clean up the waterfalls. That put a bit of a damper on things. (literally. We all got wet). 

The last question I was asked was interesting, though. Tahl asked me it. "What do you fear the most?" she asked, and then I saw a slight panic in her eyes, as if she wasn't sure she should have asked that question. 

"What do I fear?" I ran through a million things in my mind. I'm afraid of being tortured...you hear so many stories around the Temple of young Padawans being kidnapped by pirates or tyrants and tortured because they think they'll break easier. I'm afraid of certain insects...don't laugh! I'm afraid of embarassing myself in front of someone important, or failing to protect someone, and failing so badly that they get killed. I'm afraid of nightmares. 

"I'm afraid of losing someone." 

Her eyes said what she didn't: _Someone...else?_

There had better not be nightmares tonight. I'm so _sick _of them...and I think Master will take me to a Soul Healer if any more of them come, and I don't want that either. 

***** 


	29. Imaginings

Making 

4th day, 3rd month, standard year 24935

Master Karshan...I don't care if you never loved me. I loved you. 

***** 

Mace was chosen by a Master today. He came running up to me and Master Dooku to tell us all about it. I thought he would burst from excitement, and he's normally so serious! My Master put a hand on his shoulder and grinned at him. He's always been quite fond of Mace. 

Savus was chosen today as well, by a friend of Mace's Master and Master Thea. His name is Muven. I wonder why he chose Savus. I heard Thea wishing him luck. He's going to need it. 

***** 

5th day, 3rd month, standrad year 24935

Today I am offically fifteen. Master gave me a pen. It's silver and can write in three different colours. I'm using it to write this entry. Tahl gave me a new belt and then she kissed me. 

Then she blushed and giggled and ran off. I didn't even get to thank her for the present properly...I had to yell 'THANKS!' after her, and I expect I woke up the whole Temple doing that. I really don't understand her sometimes. 

***** 

7th day, 3rd month, standrad year 24935

Master just came and said we are being sent to Aurea. He also said I shouldn't take this journal, so I'd better find a good place to hide..er...put it... 

****** 

I'm often worrried my Master is going to read this journal. I don't think he would, but you know...I hide it under my bed... 

***** 

9th day, 3rd month, standard year 24935

Long version or short version? There's a lot to tell. 

Aurea is very, very pretty. We didn't get much time to do some sightseeing, but there you go. Master took me aside and gave me instructions on what we should do to ensure everything went smoothly. 

It did go smoothly...for several hours. _Then _there was a small explosion and some screams, and a whole group of men dressed in blue and black ran in. 

(you see, Master had explained that there was a certain group of people who didn't want peace or any negotiations at all, and the colours they wore were blue and black.) 

Master ignited his lightsabre and I ignited mine. For me, battles always go past in blurs. I disarmed one of them and force-pushed him away (the look on his face was something to see. I bet he didn't expect a child to be able to fight) and Master was... 

...well, the madmen with guns had figured I wasn't much of a threat, so they had turned all their attention to my Master and he was having trouble. I mean, of course I'd seen him fight before, and he always always won. But this time he was outnumbered, and I was terrified. 

A voice screamed in my head 'Hey, guess what! Your Master's a human, just like you, and he can DIE!' 

Government troops chose that moment to walk in. . 

My Master was alright. He was taken to the nearest Healers, and by the next day he was out of bed- well, he's not the type to want to hang around in the Healers for long- and talking to me. He was able to oversee the rest of the negotiations, and then we left Aurea. As we left I _swear _I heard him say in my head "You're becoming quite the negotiator, Padawan." but I might have imagined it. Who knows. 

At the moment Master is in the other room writing the mission report. Sometimes I think that should be _my_ job...   



	30. Cruel Things

Note to everyone reading: I probably won't be updating as frequently, as I'm slowly getting more and more schoolwork. Don't worry, though, I'm going to finish this if it kills me. :) 

Making 

***** 

35th day, 3rd month, standard year 24935

Today, news reached the Temple that Muven had died on a mission with Savus. I couldn't_ believe_ it. Savus and Muven were together for what...about 33 days? Why would the Force be that cruel? 

***** 

But the Force isn't a cruel thing. It's....I....I don't feel like writing. 

***** 

3rd day, expansion week, standard year 24935

Savus has been in the healer's wing, and today he came out. In the cafeteria at lunchtime, Tahl pointed him out to me. He looked so different. Older.   
"We ought to talk to him," Tahl said.   
I nodded.. "Okay." 

So we went and sat down next to him. He ignored us. 

"Savus?" Tahl ventured. 

Still silence. 

"Savus?" Tahl said, slightly louder. She doesn't like being ignored. 

Savus turned around and looked at her. He was looking at her like you'd look at a maggot. "What?" 

"I wanted to say...." She had no idea what she wanted to say, so she took the safest route. "Sorry." 

There was more silence, so Tahl shrugged her shoulders slightly and was about to stand up. Then Savus turned and glared at her. It was a mad sort of glare. 

"_Would people stop saying that to me_!" 

Tahl opened her mouth to speak, but he carryed on, silencing her. 

"Sorry, sorry, _sorry!_ I'm SICK of it!"(Actually, the language he was using was a bit more...colourful.) 

"So just go away, you stupid slut! Go act like a snot to someone else!" 

Tahl gawped, the whole cafeteria gawped, and as Savus stood up Tahl sprang at him. In less than a second he was slammed to the floor, and in another second they were properly wrestling. 

(Tahl doesn't look dangerous. She looks like she has a temper and a sharp tongue- and she does- but you wouldn't think she'd be able to slam you into the floor and pummel you. She can.) 

She shoved him into a table and a plate fell off and shattered. I ran to them and tried to seperate them....and wound up on the floor with my nose bleeding. 

"STOP IT!" I screamed, and then Master Vione, a Council member, clamped a claw on my shoulder, and Tahl and Savus got up....or were pulled up...glaring daggers at each other. 

----- 

All three of us...and Master Dooku and Master Thea...had to stand before the Council and explain ourselves. 

"I let me temper get the better of me, Masters," Tahl said, kneeling low. "I will not let it happen again and I seek your forgivness." 

"Forgiven you are, Padawan Wildstar," Yoda said. (Hey. He's a poet and he didn't realise.) He turned his attention to me. "And your part in this, tell us, Padawan Jinn." 

"He didn't do anything." Tahl said before I could open my mouth. "It was all me..." 

"He can speak for himself, my young apprentice." Thea put in crossly. 

I looked Yoda in the eye. "I tried to stop them, Master. I tried to step in but got....er...punched in the nose. And then I screamed at them to stop." 

"I see," Master Kiloxan said thoughtfully. I glanced at Tahl, but she didn't notice. I seriously hoped that I hadn't said what I'd just said in such a way that it made me look like the hero of that episode. 

"Padawans?" Vione said. We looked at her. Yoda looked at her. Maybe they'd been having a telepathic conversation. 

"Tahl, as punshment for your lack of control, you will work in the creche for a week. And when you have spare time, you will meditate on how to keep a hold of your temper." 

Tahl nodded and bowed. 

"I'll go with her." I voluteered. Tahl smiled and Vione nodded. 

"That would be much appreiciated. You are all dismissed...except you, Savus." 

We exited. I turned around and saw Savus Savus listening to Vione, looking like he either wanted to throw her out of the window, or himself. 

*****   



	31. Into Darkness Fell His Star

BTW, I really need people to tell me anything they thought was wrong with this chapter. Because this is my first shot at a real action scene...and it's in a diary. Diaries are hard. Now I know why so few people do them. ;) 

Making 

4th day, expansion day, standard year 29435

An old woman called Kezi works in the crehe. She's so nice. She gives out sweets, and she's kind to everyone, and she always listens. Inbetween feeding and changing and cleaning, me and Tahl talked to her. 

"You're lucky to have such a friend who'd come up here to help you work," she said to Tahl, and ruffled my hair. "Most Padawans avoid the crehe like it's a prison." 

"It's not so bad up here," Tahl answered. It was sort of...dark and cramped and perhaps a little messy. But it wasn't bad, she was right. It reminded me of a room in my parent's house. My dad's workroom, I think it was.   


Kezi picked up a baby girl and placed her on her lap. "I don't train with a lightsabre anymore." she said thoughtfully. "This dark little room is my home. Sometimes I wonder about these babies, and _their _homes." 

"Me too," Tahl said. It suddenly struck me that despite her quick temper and ability to fight, she'd be good working in the crehe. 

"Take this little one," Kezi said, indicating the baby in her arms. "Poor thing. Her parents were murdered....and they wanted her dead too." 

Probably my favourite thing about Kezi is her love of stories. She once told me she thinks of people as walking stories. She can take someone's boring life and make it into a tale people would pay to hear. She knows the story of almost everyone in the Temple, I sometimes think. 

"Didn't like anyone different, the people of her planet," Kezi intoned in her storytelling voice. "Scared to death of her 'demon powers', they set out to murder her. Murder a tiny baby...in the name of what they called goodness! Horrible. This child doesn't have a first name...to protect her, her parents, the Moonshadows, didn't give her one. And she would be dead by now, if it weren't for Savus and Muven." 

My ears pricked up. "Savus and Muven?" 

She looked surprised. "Oh yes,that was how he died, didn't you know? Saving the life of this little one. So it was Savus who got her out of there and to safety. The poor thing. He's convinced his Master's death was his fault. He thinks if he'd fought better,run faster,been better-he'd still be alive." 

A lump rose in my throat, and Tahl noticed. So she asked quickly "How do you know,Kezi?" 

"Savus told me, of course. That young man's been down here twenty-four hours a day since it happened,pouring his heart out.   
Says I'm the only one who'll listen. Muven and I went through training together." She looked sad for the first time. "He's drowning in his grief, is Savus." 

Savus and _Kezi_,friends. I'd have never thought it. Savus was always so nasty...and Kezi was always so kind. But then again, when it comes down to it, I don't really know either of them. 

But poor Savus. I want to find him and talk to him. He might not listen, but I want to try. 

It'll have to wait till tomorrow,though. Although actually, it's nearly morning.... 

***** 

1st day, 4th month, standard year 24935

It's night time. Way past the time I should be in bed. But things have happened, things that need to be written down. 

If I can write them down.   


It was early in the morning. Me and Tahl were practising katas in the gym. And all of a sudden there was just general panic. Not knowing what was going on, we ran out into the corridor...and straight into our Masters, who had come to find us.   
"To the crehe. Hurry." my Master said frantically, and I suddenly felt very scared indeed. My legs started moving of their own accord.   
"Men with weapons...." he panted as we ran. "Looking for the girl."   
He didn't need to tell me which girl. I ran. We all ran. We reached the crehe, and Master suddenly swung and decapitated someone attempting to sneak up on him. Suddenly blaster bolts were everywhere, and as I moved to deflect them I saw Savus, with the baby girl in his arms, sneaking away..._almost _unnoticed. A blaster bolt shot towards him, and Vione deflected it just in time. Then suddenly, _all _the fire was directed at Savus. All sorts of different coloured blaster bolts. Red, orange, green, purple...like a twisted rainbow. I managed to center myself and moved to protect Savus. "Savus!" Vione hissed. "Give the girl to Thea. Thea, get her out of here." Thea nodded, and in something that seemed effortless but probably wasn't, the sobbing baby was handed to Thea and she, with her blue lightsabre in hand, moved backwards through the crowd, heading for the window at the back of the room. We were protecting them, and we were trying so hard but there were more and more of the men by the second. They were coming in by the windows. 

The windows! 

Tahl's good with a lightsabre, but I think she was panicking about her Master. Or something. Either way, a blaster bolt grazed her, and she fell to the ground. 

"TAHL!" I yelled. I couldn't hear myself above all the noise, but I think Master Thea heard me. 

The next bit happened so incredibly fast. 

(...I just had to put the pen down. It's now about half an hour later.) 

Someone leapt through the window Thea was heading for and they started shooting. At Thea and at the baby. Thea deflected most of the bolts in less than then a second, and.... 

...and then Savus was just on the ground. No noise for all of a millisecond. Then it started again. Tahl was up, and protecting herself, but I gave most of my energy to protecting her...and then suddenly the last man fell to the floor. And that was it. And me and Tahl and everyone were silent for another second, and then me and Tahl started pushing past people, running to Savus... 

...who'd just died for the little girl. And she was crying. And Thea and Vione bent over Savus, while everyone else stepped away to give him space. Thea handed the baby to Tahl and I stood there, looking at Savus, who I was supposed to dislike so much. But this was not the same Savus. This was Savus Benig, Jedi Padawan. I looked at him, and decided I wanted him to live more then I'd ever wanted anything else.   
And then he said something, and he didn't _sound _like he was about to die,but he was,and that made it worse.   
"Hey," he said, nodding to Tahl. "look after her,okay? All of you, look after her." He glanced at the baby girl,then around at all of us. It looked like it took some effort. Then his gaze stopped at me. "Tell Kezi..."   
But I never got to know.   


****   
  



	32. Through The Fire

Making 

2nd day, 4th month, standard year 24935

Tahl got to choose a name for the little girl. Savus had just died, we were standing there...just _standing there_...and Vione turned to Tahl and said quietly, "Tahl, you may chose a new name for the child." Tahl had tears running down her face...and she said, glancing from me to Thea to Savus "I name her Sav-Mu Moonshadow." Vione nodded and took the little girl from Tahl, and two others took Savus...Savus's _body_...and Thea suddenly just flung her arms around Tahl. Just like that. It was the strangest thing. 

Master did not hug me. But when we got back to our quarters (they looked different. No, felt different. The whole Temple did.) he sort of nodded his head...or maybe shook his head...at me, and said 

"Should you want me, Padawan....want to talk, want to meditate...you know where to find me." 

I nodded. He gave a brief smile and walked off. 

I wished he hadn't smiled. Even if the smile was for me. 

****** 

3rd day, 4th month, standard year 24935

I found myself going to the crehe. Tahl wasn't there. It was just me. I knocked on the door, and when there was no answer I opened it anyway. Kezi was sitting in a corner, looking like she'd just been crying. But when she saw me she looked up.   
"Oh!" she said. "Qui-Gon! I didn't see you or hear you...I...I mean..." She looked embarassed, and I felt incredibly guilty for just coming in.   
"I'm sorry," I said, in a voice that sounded more miserable then I'd guessed it would sound. "I...just came in here to say..."   
I trailed off. I had no idea how she'd react. "To say...I know Savus loved you. Loves you."   
She didn't say a word and I was terrifed. When she finally moved it was to hug me.   
"Thank you," she said. "Thank you." 

So I'd said it. I did something right. When I left the crehe, I noticed something carved on the door. It was written in a different language, but I still recognized it. 

_There are many great things in this world_   
_We know them from the first days of our lives_   
_But the greatest one is life and love.___

I wondered why I hadn't noticed it before. 

***** 

4th day, 4th month, standard year 24935

Today was the funeral. It was awful. Just...awful. Tahl sat next to me, and would keep grasping my hand, letting go, and grasping it again. And opposite us were Dilan and Vulna, with my Master sitting behind them...keeping an eye on Dilan maybe. I could see them through the fire. See Dilan's angry eyes. 

I _wish _I'd been Savus's friend, not his enemy! Understood him better and not labelled him a bully. And Tahl feels the same way...she told me, but even if she hadn't I'd have known. 

Tahl was very quiet after the funeral. 

*****   
  
  
  



	33. Shell And Stone

Making   


6th day, 4th month, standard year 24935

I heard Vulna crying. I expect he thought nobody heard. 

***** 

7th day, 4th month, standrad year 24935

All of today, we were on Ragoon-6. We were tracking Ight, one of the older Jedi, though the planet...we could rely only on the Force and each other. And we _got _him! So easily! In just eight hours! He was very impressed! 

Master's excellent at tracking. He actually did most of the work....I got us lost. Several (hundred) times. He said I did well, though. I suppose I'd better believe him. He's a honest man. If he thinks something, he will tell you, he won't tell white lies. If he thinks you've done something wrong, he'll say so. I like that about him. 

Today really was a fantastic day. We sat on the hill where our ship was parked and we talked for hours. 

"Do you know what you're named for?" was one of the things he asked me, after many moments of thought.   
"No." I said, hoping this would lead to a story or something. I'm really a bit too old for stories, but he's so good at telling them. I bet if he wasn't a Jedi he'd be a famous writer.   
"You're named for a man in a legend," he began. "He pocessed magical powers- powers to grant wishes. He was bound by magic to grant any wishes people had. But there were things he couldn't do....he couldn't play with people's hearts and make them hate or love. And he couldn't make someone die, or bring them back from death. 

"Because of his powers, he was loved by all....and time passed. Time passed and the people of the planet became more corrupt and greedy. They desired other things- if they desired the man to kill he would have to kill -kill people who he cared about. Destroy lives and families. Often, when people relised he could save no-one from death, or make one they loved love them in return, they would curse him. People who he loved would die because he couldn't save them. He would be forced to betray others he loved. Furthermore, he was immortal- could never die naturally. He was weary of the hatred and the destrution. So finally, his last remaining friend made a magic potion to let him die."   
"And what happened?"   
"Well, he died, didn't he?"   
Oh," I said, and sat in silence.   
"As for your first name, Qui-Gon.," he continued. "it means 'life after death'. And my full name-Kanak Dooku-means 'truth potion.' Or, sometimes it is translated as 'truth poison.'"   
"How do you know all this?" I asked him.   
"Amiri left on a mission this morning. She gave me my birthday present early."   
"Was it a book of names?"   
"Correct. Not every name in the galaxy, obviously-but your name and mine was in it. So was Amiri's."   
"Oh, so what did her's mean?"   
"Her name means 'sparkle.'. I think it fits her rather well. Pity, really-I was hoping her name would mean something awful, so I could tease her."   
I grinned. He put his arm around me.   
"Hmmm...what about Tahl? What does her name mean?"   
"Her name means 'butterfly.'"   
"I'll tell her that. She'll be pleased."   
"Mmmmm."   
We stayed there until the sun set, talking. We talked a lot. He talked about being Padawan to Yoda, _'how emotionless that little troll is'_, my talent with a lightsabre and how Vulna and Amiri were coping with Savus's death. _'Vulna will recover. Amiri cares about him'_. I talked about Tahl, about the time we played truth or dare....and about Master Karshan. When I talked about him I really did get the feeling I would be sick. I didn't like it.   
He squeezed me arm. "Padawan, no-one will ever betray you again. I'll make sure of it." 

So that was that. And I felt glad. Before we left I hurried down to the river, and looked until I found the perfect thing- a shell. I'll just need to polish it and it'll look great. I'm giving it to my Master for a birthday present. 

***** 

13th day, 4th month, standard year 24935

I gave him the shell. He smiled when he saw it.   
"So that's what you were doing at the river." he said. "Now I have a river-shell, and you have a river-stone." The stone is still in my pocket, along with the green-stone ring. I pulled it out.   
"Thank you, Padawan," he said, placing the shell in his own pocket. "That does mean a lot to me." 

We had cake for his birthday! He's ordered one, from a big, expensive bakery somewhere not far from the Temple. 

It was the nicest cake I'd ever eaten. I haven't eaten a lot of cakes, but even so. 

I told Master 'Happy birthday.' before I went to bed. 

*****   



	34. This Is Getting To Be A Habit

A/N: First, I want to thank all my reviewers. You guys mean a lot to me. :) 

Second, I've started a new fic. It's called _Shadowside _and it's....interesting. ^_^;; It's both here and on TF.net, and will hopefully be shorter than this. 

Making   


6th day, 5th month, standard year 24935

I'm hurting all over... 

We were on the way back from another mission, me and my Master. Then Master got a call from the Council, telling us two Jedi were being held prisoner on Greya, and we were being sent to rescue them. 

"Be sure to watch yourself, Padawan," Master commanded as we landed and hurried away from our ship. He led me to the two other Jedi sent by the Council, Master Cilia and her new Padawan, Adi. Adi's around my age, but she doesn't like me much because once we were paired up in languages class and I accidently called her a very rude name in Keydoian. It _was _an accident. 

Me and Adi followed our Masters to were the Jedi were being held, suprised the guards and knocked them both out, and started cutting through the door. 

It seemed almost too easy... 

The door was nearly cut through all the way, when a blaster bolt _pinged_ through the air, heading for Adi. She deflected it just in time, with a gasp. 

People hiding in the trees were shooting at us! While my Master cut through the door, Cilia and Adi and me started deflecting shots like crazy...and as my Master pulled two unconcious bodies out of the prison and Cilia, who's a Master of healing, hurried to help him, three shots were fired at me. Adi got one, I got one, but we both missed the other and it hit me on the shoulder. It knocked me right over and as I fell another one got me in the leg. Master flew into action, and protected me, while Cilia, with some difficulty, levitated both the injured Knights and started moving away towards our ship. 

Master helped me to my feet as Adi deflected shots like crazy. She was very good.   
"Can you manage Force Speed?" Master asked me.   
"I don't think so...no."   
There was a yell from inside a bush and a man fell out clutching a gun. He was dead.   
"There's still more of them," Adi called.   
Master pulled out his 'sabre and started running, holding me at the same time. We all got back to the ship safetly, and both of the captured Knights were safe. I knew their names very vaguely...Emlam Fors and her Padawan Stayan.   
Master took me to the Healer's the split second we got back...and hovered around rather worried. Bethil, one of the Healers, saw me and grinned.   
"Oh no, not you again," she said brightly, and started examining the wound on my shoulder. "Hmmm. Nasty." 

Bethil is one of the younger Healers. I don't know her very well, but apparently she and Amiri are friends. (Amiri is friends with everyone. I've always liked that about her.) 

"And your leg. I think you were lucky there." 

While she dressed my wounds, Adi came in with my Master. 

"Are you all right?" she asked. When I nodded, she gave a brief smile and hurried away. Master, however, came to sit with me.   
"I'm very thankful you're all right," he said seriously. "I had a bad feeling about that little detour from the word go. A very bad feeling. Thankfully it seemed the Force was just playing a trick on me."   
"Are Emlam and Stayan both alright?" I asked.   
"I hear they'll both make a full recovery." he said with a smile, and left and room to talk to Cilia. 

**** 

7th day, 5th month, standard year 24935

Tahl came to talk to me. The first thing she said was "This is getting to be a habit." 

"Hello, Tahl," was my answer. 

"How are you?" 

"I'll live.." 

"Oh. Good. Hey, guess what...." 

And at that moment Vulna came in. He's quite short...he always did look younger than he actually was. And he looked a bit miserable, too. 

"Hi, Qui," he said with forced cheerfulness. 

"He and Dilan had a fight," Tahl whispered in my ear. "Be nice to him." 

The three of us sat around and talked. It started off awkward...I'd have really liked to know why Vulna started hanging around with Tahl. Then again, she can be very nice when she wants to be. The conversation got easier and easier as we went along, and I was actually a bit disappointed when Amiri came to get Vulna. 

"Hi there, Quiggy." (Oh stars. I forgot to say-she's started calling me that. I swear I've never been more embarassed. "Feeling better? Vulna, you're late for your meditation class."   
"Oh Sith," His blue eyes widened and he hurried out.   
"And don't say that word!" she yelled after him. She followed him down the corridor and Tahl grinned at me.   
"Vulna's not that bad."   
"Yeah, I agree..."   
A few seconds later Bethil came and threw Tahl out. It was getting a bit late. "Don't forget it's my birthday in four days!" she yelled as she exited. 

I forgot. Must think of something... 

***** 

11th day, 5th month, standard year 24935

I bought her a picture-frame. I tried to make it myself, but I wound up getting paint everywhere and sticking my braid to the table. (Don't ask). Master was not amused, so he handed me some money and told me to buy one. The one I chose was blue and yellow with pink bits (Tahl says she likes pink, but not too much pink. She's funny like that.) and black writing that says 'Happy Brithday.' (The man running the store couldn't spell) 

She giggled at the mistake,but she claimed she liked it anyway. "I'll be putting a picture of you in it," she said sweetly, and then we went to the meditation room with Clee, who'd bought her five packets of choco. Lucky. 

***** 

14th day, 5th month, standard year 24935

Argh! She did find a picture of me to put in the frame. A picture of me sound asleep and drooling a little. Must plot revenge.   
I wonder where she got the picture. Maybe my Master has something to do with it. 

***** 

15th day, 5th month, standard year 24935

He confessed to everything. Maybe I'll take a picture of his room (two-year-old socks on the windowsill, books on the floor, rubbish in the bookcase, spiderwebs on the ceiling, and that's just a good day) and send it to Yoda. Or maybe not. 

***** 

21st day, 5th month, standard year 24935

You know, it's been fifty-six days since Savus died. And I don't know why I'm writing that down. 

***** 


	35. Battle Plans and Prophecies

Look what I did! ;) www.heartstars.net/sw/gst.bmp -a poster! Took me literally hours, but I quite like it. ^_^ The guy next to Dooku is older Vulna, BTW, and the girl, as you may have guessed, is Tahl... 

Making   


10th day, 6th month, standard year 24935

Things around here have been a bit uneventful as of late. Not that I want them to be eventful...not really, now. 

Today was Binn's birthday, though. Binn fancies himself as a comedian. He amuses girls with silly stunts and I know for a fact he's got some books of _very _rude jokes under his bed...the sort of thing people like Master Mapru (and Yoda) would be very displeased about if they knew. 

Oh, and he's a 'ladies' man' as well. Nela thinks he's very amusing, and Clee...well, he's very fond of Clee, but I'm not sure what she thinks of him. She hasn't hit him round the face, though. Tahl says she ought to. 

I nearly forgot his birthday. (He probably wouldn't have minded, though, as he's always forgetting mine.) I had to ask Master if he had anything I could give as a present- something not covered in coffee or dust or unrecognizable slime. He finally pulled out a notebook from under a pile of paper, and handed it to me. I think Binn liked it, although I doubt he'll actually use it. Clee got him some chocos, and he insisted on sharing them with her. I don't think she even likes chocos, but she ate half of them to make up happy. (Or to shut him up.) 

When I returned to our quarters, Master was making plans to tidy his room. (Yep. Battle plans. You'll need one to get the insects out of there.) 

"Ah, good. You're back. Perhaps you'd like to help?" 

I didn't, but decided not to let him down. The rest of my day...well, practically...was spent shovelling things to and from the bins. He kept giving me things to throw away that he later changed this mind about and sent me to rummage about in the bins to find. Huh. 

***** 

4th day, shelova week, standard year 24935   
  
Rummaging about in the bins made me remember something. That prophecy. I don't know why I'm musing about it....I just am. Maybe because there's nothing else to do. We haven't been sent on any missions, and I've been studying and working...I'm two katas ahead of Tahl. 

I did ask Master once if he believed in prophecies. He said 'sometimes'. Which doesn't tell me much. 

_Life will become a painless death_   
_Love will become a blinding hate_ ... 

I've thought about that many times...can't come up with anything. And the rest of it is even worse...even more confusing... 

***** 

34th day, 7th month, standard year 24935

This time last year I climbed the tower. I wish I could do it again this year, but Master's been keeping me busy all week. He's incredibly frustrated with us being kept here for around three months...he keeps muttering stuff like 'Why can't someone blow up a planet or something?'. (He doesn't mean it.) In an attempt to work off his annoyance, he's been giving me lightsabre duelling classes...on top of the ones I have already, that is. I fall asleep each night with all my bones aching. Master has claimed that before we're finally sent on another mission I'll be able to beat him in a duel. 

Well, I don't know about that. 

Tahl said _she _would climb the tower this year. Somehow I doubt it. She hates heights. 


	36. No One Is Evil

Making 

*****

35th day, 7th month, standard year 24935

If you can believe it, today we spent almost an entire day playing video games. Binn has a friend called Miro Daroon and he's excellent with technical things. So today, they both lead us ...me, Tahl, Clee, Plo and Mace...to a room I've never seen before that is packed full of computers.   
  
"What're all of these for?" Clee asked.   
"Most of them are old ones. We shouldn't get into too much trouble for using them."   
"Not too much?"   
"Hey," Tahl piped up "What does this button do?"   
"DON'T PUSH THAT!" 

And so on. But eventually he got them all connected to the holonet. And we spent a whole day messing about and challenging each other to games. Me and Plo won overall. Tahl came in last. She was most displeased. 

***** 

7th day, 8th month, standrad yeat 24935

It has been two years since Master Karshan died. One year since I found out exactly what he did. 

I didn't light a candle or anything. I wish now that I had... 

***** 

8th day, 8th month, standard year 24935

Amiri was here today. She found me sitting on the sofa and looking upset. (Well, I was probably looking upset. I was trying not to) 

"Are you alright?"   
"Mostly."   
She put her arm around me. "I know what's up with you," She sighed. "Yeah.....Has your oh-so-sensitive-to-others Master worked out what's up with you yet?"   
"Maybe...he's been a bit distant all day."   
"I think he might be annoyed."   
"Why?"   
"Because you're still loyal to your old Master, and he's your Master now."   
For some reason this disturbed me far more than she probably intended.   
"Loyal to him?....but I don't really...he used the Dark Side, I don't even know if I _should _be loyal to him...."   
Master chose that moment to walk in, much to my relief.   
"Thank you, Amiri, the person who is oh-so-sensitive-to-others is here now." 

Sometimes they act like they don't even like each other. 

He sat on the other side of me, practically ignoring Amiri. "Padawan, it's not good for you to feel _anything _towards a man who...who, well, was evidently so weak that he couldn't resist revenge, who killed for no reason but himself..."   
Amiri narrowed her eyes at him. "You make it sound like he was the scourge of the galaxy or something. He _wasn't_. He just made a bad desision and didn't deserve what he got." she snapped. "He wasn't evil. No-one is."   
"I disagree."   
"I thought you might."   
Sick of being in the middle, I got up and went to my room. Neither of them came to get me. Maybe because they couldn't be bothered or maybe because they did work out that I'd rather be alone. 

***** 

25th day, 10th month, standrad year 24935

We did get out of the Temple eventually. We went on a mission....a fairly easy one where no-one was hurt, killed, shot or otherwise injured. Which is good because I hate blasters now. (Even though I know how silly that is, I wasn't even all that seriously hurt). But it was the people on this planet we went to that I want to talk about. It was called Dellacrix I. The mission itself had to do with rigged voting and workers on strike, and one of these people on strike was someone called Tatri. Tatri Koperon. He was a few years older than me, but we sort of became friends. He told me his father had a top-secret job...something to do with prophecies. (I have a feeling he gave more away to me than he was really supposed to). And maybe I shouldn't have, but I told him some of my prophecey. Well....I said 'my' prophecey, but obviously it's not really mine. He pondered and then said: "I dunno. I suppose it's just a Jedi thing. I didn't know you believed in prophecies...d'ya know who wrote it?"   
"No," I said, and realized I ought to find out.   
He shrugged and then bought me several drinks, many of which my Master would not be happy I was drinking. 

Oh, and it's Clee's birthday today. I completely forgot about buying her a present. Thankfully, she didn't mind.... 


	37. What Was And What Will Be

I'm going away for a few days....hopefully I'll be back on Monday. :) 

Enjoy the chapter! 

Making 

***** 

8th day, 1st month, standard year 24936

I know Jedi oughtn't to say things like this, but I...am...so...bored. 

Tahl is on a mission to the Outer Rim, Clee is on her journey to Ilum, Master is spending all his time with Amiri...and I have very little to get on with. Some Jedi have pastimes and stuff...Master writes, Tahl does things on the computer, Amiri dances...yes, on her own to her own music, and she's extremely good at it....but I'm not especially good at any of those things. I tried drawing but even my stick people look stupid. And I can't write to save my life. 

***** 

Listen to me whining....get me out of this Temple! 

****** 

Master is still nowhere to be seen. Hopefully he won't mind if I go to the star-map room to meet Mace..... 

***** 

Listen to _this...._

I met Mace in the star-map room, and he looked a bit irritated. When I asked why, he started muttering about having to spend a whole day working on one of the Council's computers. He's the Padawan of a Council member. I suppose it does have it's disadvantages.   
"I spent a whole day deleting files." he sulked. "I'm hopeless with computers...Miro had to help. D'ya know there's all these prophecies stored on the main computer? Interesting stuff."   
I was suddenly 100% listening.   
"Yeah...we had to delete them all. I don't know why..."   
Trying to keep my voice normal, I asked "Did you run across one that ended with the words 'Seek the answer in the first betrayal'?"   
"I don't know. Maybe..."   
"And it began with 'Life will become a painless death...'" Then I remembered. "Oh yeah. It's written all in Yemiyan."   
"There was one in Yemiyan," he said. "Yes...that was probably the one you're on about. It was written by...by Master Ololian, I think. Master Eridar Ololian."   
"I've...heard of her..."   
"I think everyone has. I would've been surprised if you hadn't....she trained your old Master, didn't she? Karshan?"   
"What?! Er...I mean...what?"   
"I thought you'd know...she trained Karshan." I noticed he'd dropped his voice, as if it was somehow a bad thing to be talking about Master Karshan now. But I was too excited for it to annoy me. I carried on as if we were having a normal conversation. "Who trained Ololian then? Was it Yoda?" I remembered hearing that off someone...could've been Vulna.   
"Yeah, it was. And he raised her sort of like a daughter....but she....well, she went all mad and dangerous. He was always wary of new Padawans after that."   
"...he was?"   
"Yes. He was very upset about it...never wanted to get close to a Padawan again..."   
"...he was?"   
"Master Dooku was the last one he ever took..."   
"...he was?...I mean, really?"   
"Yeah...and why are you so interested anyway?"   
I had to think of something fast, but what I did come up with was truly pathetic. "I'm...doing a project on prophecies."   
"Of _course _you are."   
It works for everyone else. 

***** 

Master Ololian. _Why didn't I think of that_? 

*****   



	38. Things That Are Poisonous

Putting this up just before I go on holiday. ;) See ya all later! 

Making   


34th day, 1st month, standard year 24936

Master and I were sent on negotiations. They lasted only two days. Master always gets sent on negotiations. He's good at getting people to see his point of view. 

***** 

3rd day, expansion week, standard year 24936

Today I was wandering down the corridor...I was going to meditiation class. And Dilan was lurking in one of the corridors, no Savus, no Vulna...and he looked at me and sneered. I ignored him, so he just came right right up to me and said "Where's your girlfriend, then?" 

"I don't _have _a girlfriend, thank you." 

"Oh yeah, what about that stupid mad little rat, Tahl..." 

"She is none of things, and you don't sound in the least like a Jedi," (At the same time as saying this, I was struggling to stop myself from saying some seriously rude things to him) 

"You're not much of a Jedi either," he said nastily. "More of a _Dark _Jedi with a Dark Jedi Master...who _died_..." he added. My breath left me. He smirked. He knew he'd gotten to me. I _loathed _that smirk. 

""Go away, you little-" and I dropped in a few of Tahl's swear words for good measure. I shoved past him...but he whirled round so he was in front of me again. 

"And back to you," he hissed. "Your dead Master's rubbed of on you, Jinn....you're _dangerous. _My Master thinks so. The whole Council thinks so..." And he walked away. I felt like running after him and tackling him to the ground...and maybe taking out my lightsabre and sticking it up his nose...but I knew that wasn't a particularly good idea. 

I couldn't concentrate at all in meditation class. 

***** 

6th day, 3rd month, standard year 24936

My birthday was yesterday. Me and my Master had been on another mission....it was really interesting, as well as other things, because we were on a planet where they have animals, tons and tons of animals...more animals than people..and this girl there, Revayune, showed me everything...on that planet (called Renfron) they have more rare species then any other planet in the galaxy...it was amazing. They have these tiny little things that look like miniture snakes but they're made up of mostly fire...they're called Frenliskas, and they're amazing...quite dangerous too, I think. They had a lot of dangerous things there...Revayune took me out to the ocean, and we had to wear all this protective gear...but we went quite far under and she showed me the sea creatures. There's things like fish that apparently can 'kill thirteen people with a single strike of it's fin' that's called a Ayolata fish...named after someone in Renfron myth who could kill anyone she liked just by touching them. And an amphibious creature that looks like, er, a dinner plate with six legs...it's called a Lohinan Frog and apparently it's really poisonous too...and it's truly vicious and goes for anything near it, whether on land or sea...I was incredibly nervous while we were near that one, but for some reason Revayune didn't seem to mind. 

Well, it was really good. And my Master decided we could stay there for my birthday. The people on the planet were very grateful for what we'd done...we'd gotten rid of an immensely rich coperation that was sabotaging communication lines and charging billions for repairs. (And Revayune says that these people were polluting the waters too, and I think she was right, we found a lot of dead stuff) We spent my birthday exploring and looking for animals with Revayune...we found some tiny insects called Oticks that are rare even for Renfron (and guess what...they're poisonous). Revayune spent a lot of time telling us all these awful stories about people stung by one or more of these poisonous things and dying in agony...I think she was enjoying scaring my Master. 

Master stopped off at a shop and bought me some insect-shaped sweets for my birthday present. 

"They're not poisonous, are they?" I asked him brightly, and he decided he wouldn't eat any. 

-------- 

Tahl gave me her present as soon as we got back. It was a holovid of a very popular movie that isn't available on holovid yet. (I don't know where she got it...) Binn is the only person I know who owns a holovision (actually, Dilan owns one, but if you think I'm going anywhere NEAR him you're wrong) so me and Tahl are going over there in a minute to watch it... 

***** 


	39. The Start Of A Storm

Making   


18th day, 3rd month, standard year 24936

Today I did something I am _not _proud of. 

It was Dilan. He was bored or something. And he's furious because Vulna isn't hanging around with him so much. So when I was walking through the corridor he jumped out at me. 

"_Hello_." 

"Hello," I answered nervously. 

"So, how's things? How are _you_?" 

"Fine..." 

"Killed anyone lately?" 

"_No_." 

"My Master....you know, he always thought your Master Karshan was a seriously bad seed." 

"Well, maybe I don't _care _about what your Master thinks. And can't you live me alone?" 

"You and your little girlfriend seem to like poking your nose into other people's business, I've noticed," he said. "So I don't see why I can't." 

"_What _have I poked my nose into?" 

"Try _Savus_," he hissed. "If you hadn't gotten him into trouble with the Council, he wouldn't have wanted to die." 

Anxiety shot through me. "But....Dilan, it wasn't like that...he died to save..." 

He cut me off. "Oh yeah? He was sick of it. Sick of everything. And he was my friend, you know..." 

"Dilan, leave me alone. I don't want to argue." 

"My Master thinks..." 

"Your Master, your Master, your Master. Is your brain so small you can't think for yourself?" 

He glared, and I thought he was about to go away, but he didn't. 

"I think you killed Savus," he muttered. "And other people are going to be hurt...die...because of you. My Master says that...and I believe it. He's said a lot. You shouldn't be one of us. You're dangerous. You're _going to bring an end to us..._" 

I lashed out. The next thing I knew he was on the floor. I'd backhanded him and knocked him along the ground. A terrible feeling rose up in me...and then he got up slowly. He pushed me against the wall and stared at me horribly. 

"_Clouded, your future is._" he hissed in a horrible mock Yoda voice. Then he let go of me and left. 

***** 

I can't sleep. 

***** 

20th day, 3rd month, standard year 24936

I didn't see Dilan all of yesterday. I told Tahl what happened, and she suggested I tell my Master, and I did. He thought for a long while, said "That boy is a little..." and stopped there. Pity. I'd have liked to hear the end of that. 

***** 

I went to lunch. Me, Tahl, Binn, Clee and Nela were sitting together, and suddenly Dilan approahced us. 

""Dilan," Tahl snapped in his general direction "Go away and grow a brain before you come anyway near us." 

He made a very rude gesture at her, reached into the pocket of his robes and pulled out a book. 

This book. 

"Missing something?" he asked me brightly. 

"Give that back!" I yelled, and got up, ready to smack him again, or anything....but he jumped onto one of the tables and held it up. A green-skinned Twi'lek girl....I can't remember her name, but I do know she happens to quite admire Dilan...grabbed me and stopped me jumping up on the table too. 

"Let's see what's in here..." Dilan muttered, and started leafing through the pages. "_Dear Diary," _he said in a high-pitched voice. "_I think that Tahl Wildstar is a stupid, pathetic, ugly little..."_

"STOP IT, DILAN!" I yelled. Tahl jumped up on the table, fury on her face, but Dilan shoved her off. She fell into someone else, and they both fell to the floor. There were angry yells from all around. Other people jumped up to try and get the journal off him, but he held it out of their reach. I struggled to get free. When Tahl got up again, more than ready to beat him into a pulp, he raised a hand and flew up into the air. He landed on top of a shelf, and sat there. 

"COME DOWN, YOU PATHETIC LITTLE...." Tahl screamed. I heard a voice behind me. "Hey, let him go. _I'll _hold him back, you go take Wildstar." The girl nodded and let me go. The person holding me down now was Vulna. 

"Vulna, let go!" I said, but he shot me a look, and didn't. 

Dilan leafed through the pages. "Ah..." he said brightly. "This is interesting...." 

At that minute, my Master burst in, followed by Binn, Clee, Nela, Vione and Mapru. 

"The Darkside will follow you like a shadow!" Dilan read from the journal in his loudest voice. A few people fell silent. Master raised a hand and levitated Dilan down from the shelf, despite his struggling and protests. Then he plucked the journal from his hands, and handed it back to me. 

"I believe you have an appointment with the Council, Dilan Prece," he said smoothly. "_Now_." 

Dilan glared at me and left, with Vione following him and Mapru's hand on his shoulder. Silence fell. The Twi'lek girl let go of Tahl. Vulna let go of me. 

"Would you kindly stop staring?" my Master snapped. 

The talking slowly...very slowly...started up again. People still shot curious stares at us as we hurried out. We....me, Tahl, Vulna, Binn, Clee, Nela and my Master...stopped in the corridor and all started talking and yelling at once. 

"Stop," my Master commanded. "Tell me exactly what Dilan did...one at a time, please." 

But I rounded on Vulna. "Why didn't you let me go?" 

"Because...ur..." He examined the ground. "I thought if I let you go you'd run straight at Dilan and he'd hit you or something..." 

I gave him a look of disbelief and Tahl glared at him. "You're the most pathetic person I've ever known, do you know that? You just go after the people in power...you're a follower, and I reckon that makes you an even bigger idiot than he is..." 

Vulna looked at my Master imporingly. 

"Go back to Amiri, Vulna," he said. Vulna turned and left. 

The rest of us explained. Then Master sent us off to our respective classes...but before I left I grabbed Tahl and said "You know I didn't really write those things about you...right?" 

"Of course," she said in surprise. Then she left. And I thought about Dilan and what would happen to him now and felt extremely worried. 

I still am. 

***** 


	40. It's Not A Cry You Can Hear At Night

Making   


2nd day, expansion week, standard year 24936

_"Padawan...I've just heard from Vione. Tomorrow...Dilan will be expelled in a formal ceremony. We are expected to attend."_

***** 

3rd day, expansion week, standard year 24936   
  
We went to the ceremony. 

Me, my Master, Thea and Tahl. Me and Tahl were right at the front, staring up at the elevated platform. No-one was talking; it was all whispers. 

"It's like an execution," Tahl whispered. 

Dilan came out. He was accompanied by Vione, Yoda, and Mapru. Mapru had his hand on Dilan's shoulder...and when they reached the middle of the stage he let go and pushed him to the ground. 

Vione spread her arms and called to the crowd. It was a large crowd. It was like the whole Temple was there...and they probably were. This was the same room they used for Knightings....I stared up at the ceiling, wanted to get Vione's yelling to us out of my head. The ceilings was decorated with names. The names of every Jedi Padawan who had become a Knight... 

"_Dilan!_" Vione yelled in a horrible voice. "Do you confess that you, frequently, have behaved in a manner unbecoming for a Jedi? Do you confess that you have disobeyed your Master's teachings? That you have tormented your fellow students of the Force? _Do you confess_?" 

All eyes were on him. I tried to look away. 

"Yes," he muttered. 

Vulna chose that moment to appear behind us. 

"I've been looking for you.," he whispered. 

"Come to try and kill us for this?" Tahl whispered furiously. 

"_No_! I swear...look, it's a damn good thing Dilan's going...." 

Then he fell silent, because Vione was looking at us. 

"And you, Kanak Dooku, have you witnessed Dilan Prece disobeying the Code, many times?" 

"I have," he yelled. I shivered. 

"Padawans Jinn and Wildstar, have you also?" 

Tahl glanced at me. "We have." we said as one. 

Vione spun back around to face Dilan and Mapru. "Tilmar Mapru - do what you must." 

Mapru pulled a knife from his belt, and walked towards Dilan. That was the moment I thought of Dilan as 'Mapru's Padawan' instead of '_Dilan_.' 

Mapru knelt next to him, put a hand on his shoulder....I felt my stomach backflip...and then he slashed his braid off with the knife, let it drop to the floor, and stood up. 

He was shaking. 

So was I, a little. 

Vione looked down at Dilan, and said only a few words. 

"Your lightsabre." 

Dilan reached into his belt, plucked it out and handed it over. 

"You are forbidden any contact with your Master. You will go to the Temple door, and you will leave, and you will not look back." 

He got up and started walking to the door. Everyone watched in silence. Some were angry and some were sorry. Tahl squeezed my hand. For the first time I sort of understood how much she loved me. 

Dilan reached the door. He was alone. Mapru was on the platform still, staring angrily into nothing. Dilan raised a hand to open the door, which looked so much bigger than he was... 

...and then he looked back. At me. And I'd never seen a more hateful expression. Never. 

Then he opened the door and stepped out. And what he was stepping out into didn't look in the least like the Coruscant I grew up in. 

Then he was gone. 

***** 

25th day, 4th month, standrad year 24936

It was Vulna's birthday today. I don't know how it happened, since Tahl hasn't been happy with him as late, but we wound up in his room, discussing recent events. 

"I swear," he said with wide eyes that didn't suit him. "I'm glad you got Dilan expelled. _Glad. _I hated him." 

"Then why..." Tahl said with exasperation, but Vulna cut her off. "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. For everything I did when he was around. He..." 

"...had you under his mind control," Tahl said skeptically. 

"Sort of." 

"Of course." 

He changed the subject. "I _am _glad he's gone. I'm grateful to you and your Masters. And I'm sorry for what I did in the fight...but I really _did _just want to protect you. I hope we can be friends...proper friends." 

I noticed suddenly that he looked older. Taller. Different somehow. Then he sort of shrugged and went to the door. He was gone too before I could blink. And _he_ didn't look back. 


	41. It's Not Somebody Who's Seen The Light

Making   


***** 

7th day, 5th month, standard year 24936

A strange thing happened just now. I was sitting on my bed and staring at the carpet. Then Master suddenly came in, looked at me, said "It was _not _your fault." and walked away again. 

***** 

11th day, 5th month, standard year 24936

Tahl left for a mission today, although she told me that she'd much rather have stayed with me. On the way back from seeing her ship take off, I crashed into Vulna. 

"Hello," he said. I hadn't talked to him since the day he told us he wanted to be friends...and I couldn't tell if I was pleased to see him or not. 

"Hello," I answered. 

And we wound up wandering around the Temple. We didn't even talk all that much. Eventually, somehow we wound up in that room of Miro's that has all those computers...and Vulna's eyes lit up. 

"Oh _yes_," he said. "Games!" And sure enough, stacked up in a corner were at least fifteen rather expensive-looking games...maybe Miro had bought them, I didn't know. Vulna reached for the one on top. 

"I didn't know this was even _out _yet!" he said, and put it into the nearest computer. He pressed a few buttons and a ship appeared onscreen. "Shouldn't you ask Miro if you can play that?" I asked, but he paid no attention. 

"Hang on a second....if you take out all those guys it goes to two-player mode. Do you want a go?" 

"Not really..." 

He carried on going. He was extremely good. He had incredibly fast reflexes, and his fingers flew so fast over the keys I could barely see them. 

"Have you played this before, then?" I asked. 

"No." 

Eventually I gave up and joined in. He beat me. Throughly and several times. Funny really...I never thought of Vulna as being particularly good at anything, but he definitely is. 

While we were playing, we were actually talking then. About...just stuff. And...Vulna told me that Master Kiloxan was sick, and lightsabre class in a few days would be taught by...Mapru. He didn't sound too happy about it, and I'm even less so. 

Vulna suggested pretending to be sick. I might just do that. Mapru must _loathe _me by now... 

***** 

15th day, 5th month, standard year 24936

I was right. 

***** 

I was just going to leave it at that, but I might as well explain. I got to class. Everyone sat down and waited for Mapru. I wished Tahl was there. 

Mapru came in. 

"Stand!" he said, and we all stood up. 

"Get in pairs!" 

I glanced at Vulna and moved towards him, but Mapru got there first. 

"I'm afraid you'll have to find someone else, Vulna," Mapru hissed at him. "Your dear young friend here is going to be partnered up with _me_," 

Vulna looked helplessly around, and eventually went to Zacka, who didn't look in the least pleased to see him. 

"Now," Mapru commanded. "You will do as you have been doing for the past few weeks under the guidence of Master Kiloxan. Same moves. But this time...you will be _better_. I've watched you in your classes and I don't think much of you, to be honest. Now -let's go, shall we?" I saw the class looking nervously at each other. 

"Go!" he commanded, and he drew his lightsabre. I drew mine and we began the fight. It was obvious he wouldn't be easy to beat. 

"Come on, you can do better than that," he tauted as we fought. "Come on now...the whole Order is so proud of you...surely you can beat _me_." 

I put every bit of my enery into beating him, but he blocked my every move. Just when I was getting very much in need of a rest, he called out to the class to stop. I noticed Vulna scowling...Zacka had beat him pretty badly. 

"Enough for now," Mapru said. "Sit down. Dicuss with your partner what they did wrong, what you did wrong and what you can do on correct it. 

"What if we didn't do _anything _wrong?" Zacka questioned. 

"That is arrogance, Zacka. Work to correct _that_," he said, and sat down next to me. He didn't say a word, and I didn't either. 

Until he looked at me and said: 

"You must be proud of yourself." 

I knew what he was talking about. "I am _not_, Master." 

"You're not?" he said with wide eyes. "Not proud that you removed fom the Temple one who had tormented you and your friends? Not proud that he paid for his misdoings? Not proud that your hated rival is gone?" 

It took me forever to come up with an answer. "Not proud...of how it affected people." 

His eyes narrowed. "I see." And just when I thought that that hadn't been as bad as it could have been, he said. "Do you know, most of the Padawans who are expelled...young people, most no older than you and Dilan, lost and entirely alone...they die. Almost all of them _die. _And the Jedi Order cannot help them. They are forbidden to...forbidden to help those who were once their own." 

He turned away and I felt so unbearably guilty. I felt guilt for what I'd done and anger for the Council for throwing him out and pity for Mapru...who looked alone himself. Sitting in a room of talking teenagers and very, very much alone. He'd lost the closest thing he had to a son...and that person was likely to die....and I'd helped do it. I wanted to say how incredibly sorry I was, but I _couldn't_. I was almost frightening how I just couldn't say sorry. Like my lips had been nailed together... 

That lesson was the longest one ever. At the end of it I ran to our quarters and spent hours staring at the carpet waiting for my Master to come back from wherever he'd gone off to. I'm really starting to get sick of that carpet. 

He came back eventually and I told him. He sighed and sort of looked away. "He cries," he finally said. "Having a Padawan lost to you is not something many people can take in their stride. And he is letting it destroy him." 

I'm not sleeping tonight. I can't. Whenever I drift off to sleep I hear those words and see him, furious...   
  



	42. Out Of The Ordinary

Making 

***** 

6th day, 7th month, standard year 24936

We were sent on an escort mission...me and my Master. . I didn't bring this journal with me. But I thought this mission was worth writing about. _Definately_. 

Senators had been kidnapped recently, and we were sent to protect Blix Annon, one of the most important ones. His aide turned out to be a friend of my Master's...Eero Iridian. We had quite a long conversation. and he showed me the safe room. It's an additional safety measure with blast-proof doors. Master told me to enjoy the trip, so I was staring out of the window when suddenly the pilot's instruments started buzzing. There was a ship in our airspace...and they was no airspeed. Then a voice came over the comm. It was a girl, and she was crying... 

She said that everyone on board her ship was dead. Attacked by space pirates. Her father had been killed.She said her father was a Senator, Galim Eddawan, and she was his daughter, Joli. And then she said that the oxygen was failing and she couldn't breathe very well. 

I was frightened then. I hate the idea of not being able to breathe...to get less and less air in your lungs until there's none left. We had to go get her....but my Master wasn't doing anything. 

He said we had to wait for Eero to find information, to see if this was genuine or not. It came as a huge relief when he decided it was. We started approaching the ship. I was terrified we'd be too late. Master was as calm as anything. I'd never noticed before how calm he can be. It was sort of annoying. 

Then the dead ship came to life. It had turbolasers. It had looked to small to have that kind of firepower. As the first turbolaser fire started to hit, Master said something to me. He said "A lesson for you, Padawan. Never trust anything." I thought maybe it was a joke, but it wasn't. I felt something over our bond. A feeling that something out of the ordinary was going to happen. 

I held on to a chair, and the Senator came in panicking. The next thing I knew, the energy sheild was malfunctioning. And the Senator looked about to have a heart attack, which was worrying. And then there was another worrying thing. The other ship was firing whenever we lowered the shield to fire. That must have taken incredible reflexes...and a computer couldn't do it. 

Another blast shook the ship and we all went flying. We'd lost a laser cannon. We were starting to get in serious trouble... 

Eero and the Senator went to the safe room. Master asked me suddenly if I'd noticed anything unusual, and I told him about how the ship was firing at us. He nodded. Then the pilot shouted "They're going to get on board!" and we ran down the halls to the docking bay. 

***** 

Sorry, stopped writing there because Master had prepared food. He's a pretty good cook. Anyway... 

War droids were rolling down the ramp. They shot at us, like war droids generally do. We deflected the blaster bolts, and then they ejected smoke grenades at us. We couldn't see. 

I could hear, though. And suddenly I heard the voice of that girl...Joli. She was crying not to shoot, they'd made her stand on the ramp. So I went to get her. 

My Master once told me I have a thing about playing the hero. I don't know. He was in one of his annoyed-at-everything moods when he said that. Anyway, Joli wasn't there. It was a recording rod. 

When we got back to the safe room, Eero was there, unconcious. The door had been blown open. We raced back to the loading dock in time to see the Senator being pushed inside the craft. The pilot pushing him turned and saw us. Well...saw my Master. 

He shot at us and we deflected the shots. He had great aim. And he seemed to be mostly shooting at my Master. When Master hesitated for a split second. -I didn't know why then- the pirate jumped into the ship and got away. 

----- 

We went back again to the safe room. The Senator was gone and Eero wasn't looking good. Neither was the ship. We went to land at the nearest port, Voltare. Eero was rushed to a med clinic and Master sat in the cockpit and thought. Of course, I didn't know what he was thinking about...but I could sense some things...discomfort, anger. And I didn't know why he was angry.   
"We should contact the Jedi Council." I said.   
"All in good time." was his answer. Then something even weirder than that happened...his comlink beeped, it was probably Yoda, but he ignored it. He said we should mantain comlink silence for now...and I didn't disagree with him or say anything. Perhaps I should have done. 

We went over what had happened. I said that even though the Senator had cliamed to use the best sercurity outfitters, he can't have done because the pirates got in so easily and broke into the safe room using ordinary explosives. And the pirate worked so fast he had to be aware of the ships vulnerablities. We decided to go and find out where the ship had been outfitted for security and see if there was a connection. Then, in an act of something not very clever, I told him I sensed anger in him. His answer was "You are mistaken." 

I had to accept that. 

----- 

Eero told us that he used Kontag for security. He gave us a holofile with a list of clients and the like. Master told me to look up the histories of other ships belonging to Senators that were attacked. They were all serviced at Kontag. There was obviously some sort of connection. 

Master tried to contact Kontag, but after several comlink conversations (and him getting more annoyed after each one) we decided we'd have to visit them ourselves... 


	43. A Fading Shadow Falls

Making   
_43. A Fading Shadow Falls_

***** 

We went to the planet Pirin in the Locris sector, where the Kontag headquarters were.We were going to pose as prospective clients and so get a look at the factory floor. 

Master said we were Jedi, and we were interested in upgrading our security. Instantly, someone came to help us. I think her name was Sasana. We got her to show us around. But it seemed weird...it was like machinery had been there at one point and then gotten rid of. And the droids that were there couldn't be serving the amount of jobs that they had said they were. Something like that anyway. We decided they were concealing something. 

Master had taken a sensor suite from one of the prototypes we'd seen. Sensor suites always had a factory mark in them somewhere. The place we needed to be, apparently, was the Von-Alai factory planet. 

----- 

I don't like Von-Alai. It's built so many factories the climate was ruined and the plants died. It's depressing being there. 

"They could have fought for their planet, but their indifference and greed made them passive," Master said. "There was no war here, my young apprentice. Merely beings who did not choose to fight the power that ruled them."   
"Perhaps they tried and failed." I said.   
"Then they are also weak, which is worse." he said. 

I didn't like that comment at all. I knew something was definately wrong...he was acting so _different._

This factory was different. It was dirty, dangerous...and the workers were children. They looked mostly like they were ill and starving. The whole place looked horrible. I was looking over it all when a man showed up. My Master told him we wanted information...and he told us the company he sent reports to was called Caravan. Something flashed in my Master's eyes at that point. 

And _then_ (I'm probably getting this mixed up. It's rather complicated) Eero showed up again. He had apparently followed us all the way. (Which I thought was odd) He said he'd found a factory worker who would talk. We followed him through the aisles...and suddenly, droids were there. And we couldn't fight them because of the children all aeound us. We were trapped. 

----- 

I'm not quite sure what happened next. But when I woke up, I was chained down. So was my Master. And I hurt all over. 

"Breathe," I heard my Master say. "The pain will ease in a moment." 

I did breathe. Then I asked "Do you know where we are?" 

"No idea." was his answer. 

There was a silence. 

"Maybe Eero will find us," I suggested. "Or tell the Temple where we are." 

"Eero is part of this. He set us up." 

"But he is your friend. And he was hurt in the invasion." 

"So it seemed," he muttered. "Injuries can be faked. Eero was a good actor, nothing more. I was foolish not to think of it before. This should be a lesson to you, Padawan. Have as many friends as you want, but do not trust them." 

_What? _Didn't he...doesn't he...trust Amiri or me? Or was he just saying that because...well, I found out then what the matter was. 

"The person who has imprisioned us was once in training with me." he said. 

"He is a Jedi?!" 

"No. He went through trained but was dismissed. Never mind why. We were friends once. I am beginning to suspect that he might hold some kind of grudge against me. So there is more going on here than you know." 

_Why didn't you tell me? _I wanted to scream. I didn't, of course. 

A few minutes later, Lorian walked in. 

That was his name. Lorian. He'd been thrown out of the Jedi...so the first thing I thought of when he walked in was: _Is this what Dilan's going to become? A pirate who kidnaps Jedi?_

"Old friend," he addressed my Master. 

"I realized some time ago, Lorian, that we were never friends," he answered cooly. 

"You haven't changed," Lorian said. "Yet it's good to see you, even though it's unfortunate for me. If a Jedi had to be tracking me, I would've hoped for anyone but you. You knew me too well. Once." 

This reunion went on for quite a while. 

"I was young and made a mistake," Lorian snapped. "I paid dearly for it. Was I supposed to turn into a farmer? I was trained as a Jedi! So instead I went into business for myself." 

"As a space pirate," Master added. 

"Just temporarily. I started out kidnapping criminals, but that got risky. You'd be surprised out reluctant gangs can be to come up with the ransom. So I looked to Senators next. What if their security wasn't as good as they thought it was? When I heard Kontag was going backrupt, I got an idea. So I bought this factory and offered Kontag a deal." 

(Er...that's the gist of it anyway. Maybe one day someone will kidnap us who _doesn't _like to talk.) 

"A factory that employs children." I said angrily. 

He turned towards me. 

"So this is your apprentice, Dooku? Qui-Gon Jinn? Yes, I can see you in him. He is as sure of his own rightness as you are. " 

(I am not sure of my own rightness, and anyone who disagrees with that is wrong. Heh.) 

"What would you have me do, young Padawan?" he went on. "Fire the child workers? Many of them support families. Parents who are injured to too sick to work, or parents who have abandoned them so they are supporting their brothers and sisters. Would you have them starve?" 

"I would find a better way." I said. 

"Ah, he is unshakeable. Well, I'll tell you this, young Jedi. I am planning to phrase out the child labour. Improve conditions. But do you know what that takes? Money. The Jedi don't deal with credits. They don't speak of them. But the rest of us have to eat, you know." 

"You are full of justifications," I answered. 

"They make the planets turn. Have you been to the Senate lately? It runs on justifications. I am not evil, Qui-Gon Jinn. I know this for certain. I've seen the face of true evil. And I've known the terror of it. So don't be too quick to judge." 

"True evil?" my Master said. 

"Yes, Dooku. I did access the Sith Holocron." 

So was that what he'd done? 

Finally, he got round to telling us he wasn't going to kill us. About time too. He was just going to hold on to us until this last job was done. As soon as he confirmed that Eero was in on everything, Eero came in. 

"Now you've done it!" he yelled. "The Senator is dead!" 

"Dead?" Lorian asked. "How? He's being held in comfortable surroundings. I even sent in pastries, for galaxies sake." 

"He had a heart attack. He died instantly." 

"Ah," he said. "This isn't good." 

"No. It's murder," my Master injected. 

"We'll be tried for murder!" Eero wailed. 

"Only if they catch us." 

The panicking turned quickly into an argument. Eero drew a vibroblade. And then...Master summoned the Force, sending it flying and cutting his chains. He reached for his lightsabre, hidden in the room next door. Lorian grabbed Eero's vibroblade and a blaster. And the fight started. Lorian picked up my lightsabre, and they started to fight. I was frightened. Or maybe that's a bit of an understatement. They hated each other now, but you could _tell _they'd once been friends. The lightsabres clashed, Master's green blade on my own green blade. Except Lorian was holding it and not me. 

"Master!" I yelled. 

He paid no attention. 

"Master. Stop." 

He turned and looked at me. I read a hundred things in his eyes. Then he deactivated the lightsabre. 

----- 

We handed Lorian and Eero in to Coruscant security. Eero pleaded with my Master to let him go, but he didn't listen. We didn't speak a lot on the journey back. All I can remember is that he came and sat next to me, and said very quietly "Well, Padawan, it appears we have something else in common." 

I didn't get it. 

"Dilan," he explained. "And Lorian. They have both been punished for their actions...and rightly so. We did the Jedi Order a great service by getting them out, no matter what the personal cost." 

"Me and Dilan weren't friends." I said. 

"And neither were me and Lorian." 

He never apologized for not letting me know who the space pirate was. When we reached the Temple, he just wandered off in the direction of the Archives. I went to our quarters. 

I lay on the bed, thinking. And then a voice came over our bond. I'm completely postive that whatever it was, Master didn't mean for me to hear it. I'm not even sure it _was _my Master. He sounded different and older and harder and...crueller, even though he's anything but cruel. It said: _Why should he know...when I do not?_

Then something else, quieter: _It is a failing of ours that we do not know our true enemy._

Then _that _voice was gone. But another kept echoing in my head that night... 

_"Betrayal can destroy a man."_

***** 


	44. Wishing And Wondering

Making   


7th day, 7th month, standard year 24936

I don't hear voices anymore. And Master acts like nothing happened. 

***** 

10th day, 7th month, standard year 24936

I wish more than anything else...that I hadn't got Dilan expelled. 

***** 

19th day, 7th month, standard year 24936

Yesterday I was sitting meditating when Amiri walked in. We wound up talking...and I asked her something. 

"Amiri...what do you know about Lorian?" 

She'd obviously heard all about our mission, she looked as though she'd expected that question. "Ooh. Er...not much. He was Dooku's best friend, not mine. _Definately _not mine." 

"I guess you didn't like him?" 

"I thought he was an arrogant idiot, to be honest." 

"What did they fall out about?" I ventured. "Lorian and my Master." 

"Something about a holocron..." she said, and left it at that. 

***** 

24th day, 7th month, standard year 24936

Guess what! Today we were told that Amiri was coming on a mission with us. And Vulna too! This is great...Master seems to really hate being holed up the Temple now, after...all that... 

**** 

25th day, 7th month, standard year 24936

I wonder if it's wrong to get so excited when we're assigned to a mission? I mean...we get out of the Temple and we change something in the galaxy. But if we're sent somewhere, it normally means the people there are suffering, and that's not a great thing to get excited about, is it? 

Or am I just talking about nothing because I'm tired? 

***** 

27th day, 7th month, standard year 24936

We're on the ship about to leave. The planet is called Zorgan, Amiri said yesterday...and the people there don't appreciate the Jedi getting involved. She said we ought to be careful. I will be. Hopefully my Master will be too... 

By the way, guess what else...Vulna isn't coming. Amiri's been arguing with Kiloxan about it for the past five minutes, at least. 

_"But how is he to get any _experience_ if he doesn't come? This isn't fair, and you ought to reconsider..."_

_"The desision, Master Amiri, has been made."_

I can see her through the window and she looks furious. I wonder why Vulna can't come. I'm not going to ask her, though. Not yet anyway. 

_"I think you are _wrong_."_

_"May I remind you, Amiri, that Vulna is your first Padawan, and you have not been with him for long..."_

_"That should make no difference!"_

She always gets really fierce when there's something to do with Vulna. She's coming back now, her eyes looking like fire. She's glaring around...we're taking off now and she's glaring out the window. I bet she doesn't talk to anyone for a while now. 

The Council doesn't usually stop Padawans from going on missions with their Masters...why have they now? Maybe they're worried about something...about Vulna, or her....maybe even both of them. I don't know. 

***** 


	45. Carpets

Making   
_45. Carpets_   


17th day, 8th month, standard year 24936

Ow. Ow. Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow. 

My arm hurts and my shoulder hurts and my neck hurts and furthermore, my mind is spinning... 

***** 

18th day, 8th month, standard year 24936

So, I suppose you probably would like to know what that was about? It's quite a long story, and I can't even remember some bits of it. 

It started not long after we landed on Zorgan. We met the planetery leaders, and were shown to a room. Amiri was still sulking a little about the Vulna thing. I remember that very clearly. Master was talking to her. 

"Come now, Amiri. You don't usually act like this. It's foolishness..." 

"And would you be all calm and pleasant if it was Qui-Gon who they didn't trust?" she snapped. 

I hurriedly tried to find a way to defend my Master without insulting Amiri. "Er....they probably don't trust me anyway. I seem to have a kanck for trouble...don't you think?" 

Amiri gave me a very small smile. "Maybe you should go to bed, Qui-Gon. After all, it is getting a bit late and you're tired from the trip..." 

"_Amiri_," my Master glared at her. "One, he can decide himself if he's tired, and two, he is not your Padawan, he's mine. You have your own Padawan." 

"...who is currently sitting at the Temple and wondering why the blasted Council don't trust him not to screw up a simple mission." 

I hurried off to bed. 

Gods I _hate _it when they argue! For a start, I'm always caught in the middle. It mostly seems to be _me _they argue over, and I can't stand it. Is it me, or do they turn into a couple of self-centered swampbugs when they argue? Yes, they do. And I'm sure they would kill me if they saw that. 

But anyway. 

They next day, three-quarters of the way through negotiations (I was, I'm ashamed to say, counting now the minutes until I could get out of there) I heard a creaking sound. The others heard it too. Then a whole section of the ceiling came crashing down on us...and a group of people came jumping down from the floor above. There were screams. Master, Amiri, and myself were up from our chairs in a second, igniting our lightsabres. 

"We don't want Jedi here!" the person who appeared to be the leader yelled. It was a female voice. "_I _don't want Jedi here!" 

Blaster shots were fired. We deflected them harmlessly away. 

"We don't want anyone dead," one of the other attackers murmured. It was hard to tell if he meant it or not, because in the next second he'd fired at me. I deflected the bolt and suddenly there was real complete chaos. 

"Padawan! Amiri! Get all these people out of here!" my Master screamed. 

People were already running for the doors. Me and Amiri moved to defend them. The split second everyone was out, I ran to my Master to help him. He was doing fine on his own, though. 

Amiri wasn't. She...well, she doesn't like killing. I don't like it either...I really don't like it...but she hates it. I don't know if she's _ever _killed before. And I don't like to say it or write it or think about it...but well, we _have _to. 

Don't we? 

Amiri's a Jedi...she _is, _she's all the good things we should be...kind and intelligent and friendly and sweet. It's just...I don't actually think this is a good life for her. She's a better _person _than she is a Jedi. 

I wonder if she'd be furious at me for saying that. 

So, trying to avoid killing the man shooting at her, Amiri soon found herself thrown to the ground, with a blaster pointed at her head. 

"Won't this be something to tell," the man said. "Telling my grandchildren that once I killed a Jedi..." 

"No!" I yelled, and at the same time the only woman, who appeared to be the leader, marched up and knocked the blaster out of his hand. 

"No. Keep her alive...for now." 

I noticed a small silver whistle around her neck. She lifted it to her lips and blew. The men grabbed Amiri and picked her up. I called on the Force. They flew across the room, dropping her. The woman screeched. 

I heard noises of a ship outside and Master's yell of "_Padawan_!", but then, I heard a hard _thump _andeverything went black. 

-----   
  
When I woke up I was lying on a soft fluffy carpet. 

Seriously. 

It was pitch black, and I couldn't see a thing. I searched for my lightsabre, and couldn't find it. 

"Amiri?" I called. I didn't get an answer. I felt sick. _She has to be alive, _I thought. _I'd know if she wasn't. I think._

"Amiri! Master!" 

Still no answer. 

"Master Dooku! Amiri! Where are you!?" 

A high-pitched, creepy voice, clearly not Amiri's, answered. 

"I'm over _heeeeere_, little Jeddddddiiiiii." 

"Who's there?" 

"It's meeeee, of course. Your fwiend." And suddenly I realised that whoever this was was standing in front of me. 

"Get away!" 

I heard the sound of a switch being flicked. The lights came on. And I realised that far from being trapped in a cold, damp, nasty (despite having a soft fluffy carpet) prison cell, I was in fact in something that looked oddly like a storecupboard. 

I looked around. The person standing in front of me was the woman from the negotiations, the leader. She was short, with very light blonde hair...it was almost white...and she wasn't even carrying a blaster. 

"Are you by any chance operating on a very low budget?" I asked boldly. 

"Shut your trap, brat." 

"Where's my Master? And where's Amiri?" 

"Your Master is not here," she said sweetly, and my heart did a backflip. "He wasn't captured. He got away, the irritating man." I let out a sigh of relief. "And if Amiri is the blonde girl...the quite frankly pathetic blonde girl...you'll be seeing her in a few minutes." 

"Amiri isn't pathetic!" I said, without thinking. 

"Ah, but the Force tells me about her, little brat. And I..." Suddenly her eyes were cold and hard. "...MUST NOT...LISTEN TO IT." 

"_What_?" 

"The Force, you idiot! It talks to me. It HAS to be the Force. What else could it be? Oh, my mother, she'd be so ashamed! _Me_, with the Force!" 

I stared at her and she stared back. "So, to please my mother, I KILL! I'll kill you all. Or...I would kill you all. Not you two...you're LUCKY today." 

I was truly frightened by now. 

"My mother...she would be so angry I had the Force. Don't you agree, Jedi brat?" 

I nodded. 

"So I kill and torture Jedi to make her forgive me. Do you understand?" Her eyes were wide and pleading now. 

There were footsteps behind her, and a man came into view. He was holding something...well, half holding, half dragging it. Then I realised it wasn't an it. It was Amiri. 

The man flung her hard into the cupboard next to me. She just lay there. 

"Don't you _understand_?" the woman said. 

I got up and ran to them. I didn't have a weapon, but I could still hurt them... 

And they slammed the door on me. I shoved it hard and tried to open it, but it was no good. They'd blocked it. 

"Amiri!" 

I ran to her and lifted her head. 

"I'm okay..." she said with a sob. Then she slid out of my arms and onto the floor. 

"_Amiri_!" 

She wasn't dead, thank goodness. She was just unconcious. But she was covered in wounds, and bleeding everywhere. What had they _done_ to her? 

I had no time to think. I put all my energy into trying to heal her through the Force. Eventually she moaned and opened her eyes. 

"Don't do that," she said weakly. "You'll tire yourself out." 

"I have to heal you," I said. 

"I'm not in danger...I don't think I am..." She gave another sob. "I just...I'm bleeding everywhere...it hurts so much." Crying, she lay back down on the carpet. It was covered in blood now. I felt sick. 

"I'll get us out of here, Amiri." I promised. "Would you be able to walk?" 

"You'll have to get out of this storecupboard first." 

"How hard could that be?" I brushed the hair out of her face. "I'll be able to do it." 

----- 

I wasn't able to do it. 

I used the Force on the door, pushing it again and again, and even though it shook it wouldn't fall. There were no windows, and Amiri's lightsabre was missing, too. I couldn't even escape from a _storecupboard. _What sort of Jedi was I?   
  
"Don't worry," Amiri said weakly. "I'll live." 

"Yes, but you need to see a Healer. And you can't if we're stuck in here." 

"You're wearing yourself out. Don't worry, we'll be fine..." 

The door creaked. 

"Are you sure?" I whispered. 

The door opened, but it wasn't the woman. It was a young man. He was about seventeen. He had the same light hair as the woman...I guessed he was her son. 

I guessed right. 

Without stopping to think, I jumped up and grabbed him, holding his arms behind his back. 

"We want to get out of here," I said quietly. "My friend needs to see a Healer." 

"I know," he muttered. "Would you let go?" 

I let go. 

"Right. Introductions. My name is Lieson. I'm Drekka's son. Only by blood, however. I hate her more than I've ever hated anything and I want to stop her." There was no emotion whatsoever in his voice or eyes as he was saying that. "She's completely mad, barking, barking mad. But she does trust me. She wants me to torture you almost to the point of death, and then leave you on Coruscant for the Jedi to find." 

Amiri gave a little gasp. I asked "Why?" 

"It's quite a long story, and I don't think I have time to tell you right now. She thinks I'm taking you both to the Breathing Bridge...come on, let's go. Now." 

Amiri stood. 

"How do we know we can trust you?" I asked. 

"You don't," he answered. "Come on, let's _go_." 

Previous   
Next 


	46. Of Hatred, Revenge, And Bananas

Making   
_46. Of Hatred, Revenge, And Bananas_

***** 

We stepped out of the cupboard. We were standing in a perfectly ordinary-looking building. 

"There'll be a guard at the door," Lieson whispered. "And my mother...she likes to spy on me. She might be around." 

"What if she is?" I whispered. 

"_You _work that out." 

We started moving slowly. 

"What's the Breathing Bridge?" Amiri asked. 

"You don't want to know," 

"I do." 

"Fine. Underneath this place there's a network of tunnels. That's where my mother lives and operates her hopeless bunch of terrorists. The Breathing Bridge is a torture device." 

"Oh," Amiri said, in a weak and tired voice. "That." 

His voice softened. "Yeah. It's named after a place in an old story my mother used to like. The Breathing Bridge was the bridge between life and death." 

Amiri nodded. I wondered if Lieson was trying to keep her mind off her wounds. 

We inched our way round a corner (I was half dragging Amiri) and we saw a trapdoor in the middle of the corridor. 

"That's the exit from the torture chambers. No-one will be there now," he said, with a grim little smile. We went past it round another corner. The place was like a maze. 

"How far to the exit?" I whispered. 

"Not long." 

Amiri spoke up again. "Drekka...that woman...your mother...why does she want to hurt the Jedi so much?" 

"Where to start? She doesn't want them interfering on this planet, she thinks they have more power than they deserve...but I think the main one is that a Jedi killed her mother." 

"Really?" 

"Her mother was a murderer. She deserved it. She was killed far away on Tatooine, and when my mother heard she vowed revenge." Amiri gave a small start. 

He led us round a few more corners, and then suddenly stopped in front of a door. 

"Wait here," he ordered. He opened the door and dodged inside. There was the sound of him rummaging through cupboards, and then he emerged, holding my lightsabre in his hand. 

"Here," he said, handing it to me. "I saw her put it in there earlier. I couldn't find yours, though," he said, looking apologetically at Amiri. 

"S'alright," she said. 

"The exit's just around here." 

We followed him, and found ourselves opposite a large wooden door. 

"They just don't make terrorist headquarters like they used to," Amiri said, with a tiny grin. I was still holding her. 

"Well, this door's locked, outisde this door there's a field, and in that field there's a couple of swamps, and a few thermal detonators..." He grinned. "Don't worry, my ship's outside. We can fly right over it." 

I nodded. "I'll cut through this, then." 

"Better do it quickly." 

I activated my lightsabre and it buit into the door. I started cutting through, making a hole for us to climb through. I'd almost managed to move the blade around in a complete circle when I felt the sharp pain of a blaster bolt in my arm. 

"Ow!" 

I turned around, and Amiri and Lieson did too. Drekka and three guards were standing there. All were holding blasters. 

"Oh, Lieson," Drekka said sweetly. "How would you like to die?" 

"In a way that ensures I take you with me," he said, his voice as hard and cold as ice. 

"Oh, Lieson," she said again in a sick singsong voice. "You like to read, you like to study, you must know what the gods do to those who kill their own _family_. The greatest crime of all, spilling blood that is your own blood, burning flesh that is your own flesh..." 

"Shut UP!" And he dived at her. She was knocked to the ground with a horrible _thud_. The guards opened fire. 

"Get the girl!" Drekka shrieked, jumping up with blood on the back of her head. "Kill her!" Then Lieson punched her, and she staggered back against the wall. 

Amiri dodged blaster bolts desperately. She would never do it without a lightsabre...and everyone seemed to have forgotten about me. 

"Amiri!" I shrieked, and I threw my lightsabre to her. She grabbed it, and started fighting for her life. I was left weaponless. I started pounding the door, hitting the bit where I'd cut with the lightsabre. If I couldn't do anything else I could at least make us an exit. I felt a blaster bolt coming towards me. 

Amiri dived, only _just _managing to deflect it safely away. It shot off to the left, and hit one of the guards firmly in the chest. He fell to the ground. Amiri stopped for a second, frozen. She'd _killed_. That was enough time for a guard to smack her around the face with his blaster, making her, too, fall to the ground. 

I gasped. Without daring to give myself time to think, I calling my lightsabre from her hand to mine, and stood over her. They shot at me, I deflected the bolts back, and one of them fell. I slashed forwards and took the other one's blaster arm off. Then I started slicing through the door once more. 

Drekka and Lieson's battle was still raging. Blood was pouring down both their faces, and they both wanted the other dead. And...they _were _family. I wonder if I'd have felt the same as I did then if they weren't. 

"Lieson," I yelled uneasily. "Just leave her. Come and help me!" I'd managed to make a hole in the door wide enough for us to get out of. Lieson didn't hear, or if he did he didn't want to. He slapped Drekka around the face once more. Her blood on his hands. 

The only guard still alive reached for a fallen one's blaster with his remaining arm. Lieson saw, and he spun and kicked him round the face. The guard stumbled, and then fell over too. 

That one second delay gave Drekka the time she needed. She grabbed Lieson, and slammed him into the wall. She pulled a knife from her pocket. 

"No!" I said, and ran towards her. She glared, stuck her hand out at me...and a Force-push sent me flying backwards. I fell at an awkward angle, and pain shot through me. 

Drekka glanced at her hand. "I...used...IT," she said in a whisper. "I'm sorry! I _am_! Forgive me, mother!" 

She raised her eyes to the sky. I grabbed one of the blasters lying on the floor and threw it to Lieson. Before I could move or blink, he'd shot her in the head. She sank to the floor. 

Silence fell. 

"Let's go," Lieson muttered. "We carried Amiri through the hole in the door, to the ship, and out of there. 

***** 

I'm not entirely sure how to write this next bit. 

We flew back to the capital of Zorgan. I spotted the building where the rooms that we'd been staying in were, and we landed outside there. Amiri had woken up on the journey there, but she'd soon lapsed back into unconciousness. 

I carried her, and we made our way up to the building. But before we got there, I saw Master Dooku running towards us. His face was lined with worry. 

"Master!" I yelled. He quickened his pace, reached us, and looked down at Amiri. 

"What did they do?" he whispered furiously. 

"She needs a Healer," I said. 

Master turned to Lieson. "And you? You're _her_ son, aren't you?" 

"I am," he said. 

"The most elite member of her little gang." 

There was a flash of light...I know it was green, but in my memory it's blood-red...and Lieson suddenly fell. I gave a yell. My Master led me, still carrying Amiri, away. I could barely speak. "Why did you..." 

"He's a member of Drekka's gang. They captured and tortured you. _He _captured and tortured you..." 

"He helped us escape! And he _killed_ his mother! You...you can't just leave him lying out there...you shouldn't have done that..." 

There was shock in his eyes for about a moment, and then it was gone. "He was still a member of the gang." 

"_You shouldn't have killed him_!" 

But he would say no more on the subject. We took Amiri to our room, and called a Healer. 

----- 

And when she was better and heard the next day what had happened, she was furious. 

"He saved us! He didn't have to save us, but he _did_! He _killed_ his mother so she couldn't hurt anyone else! _Why_ did you kill him?" 

"I didn't know all this when I did," he said quietly. "I didn't think." 

"That's no excuse!" She was getting hysterical. "Why did you kill him?" 

"I had to..." 

"No you didn't!" 

He wouldn't look straight at her. "After I saw what had happened to you, I...I wanted to." 

"Oh, you WANTED to?" she yelled angrily. "Well, guess what, occasionly during boring political negotiations and stuff I rather WANT to jump on a table and scream 'Bananas for everyone!', but DO I DO IT? NO!" 

"Amiri, I would like you to calm down." 

She paid no attention to that. "Kanak...you _killed him_. Maybe not _entirely_ in anger...you didn't go that far." Her eyes were softer now. "But you did." 

"I know." 

And silence fell on the rest of that day.   


***** 


	47. Council And Computers

Making   
_47. Council And Computers_

19th day, 8th month, standard year 24936

Master was called to face the Council today. Me and Amiri went with him. 

You know...I hope I'm not the only one who does this...the Council Chambers look out over all of Coruscant. You can see everything...buildings and towers and ships flying past. Sometimes when I'm in there and no-one is speaking to me my attention wanders and I miss everything Master Yoda says. Which can be quite embarrassing. 

Today my attention did not wander. 

"Old Padawan," Yoda addressed my Master, in a more friendly tone than I'd anticipated. "Explain you will your actions." 

Master Dooku gave a very small bow. He nodded. "My Padawan learner and my closest friend had been taken prisoner. I was.... full of fear at the thought of what might happen to them." 

"You are meant to conquer your fear," Vione said coldly. "You are a Jedi." 

"I know," And then he paused, as if torn in two about something. 

"The leader of the gang who captured them was called Drekka." 

There was some shrugging. 

"Drekka....do you not know who she is? _What _she is?" 

Yoda shook his head. I'm fairly certain I've never seen him do that before. 

"Drekka's last name is d'Jochek." 

Amiri gasped. "Wasn't that...?" 

"Lorian's last name." 

I didn't understand. At first I thought that Drekka must have been his wife, and that made no sense, because she hated Jedi and he was one...but then my Master spoke up again. 

"Drekka was his sister." 

In my opinion, that made no sense either. The Council members evidently agreed, because they muttered among themselves and then Kiloxan spoke up. 

"Explain everything, if you would. Who is this Drekka?" 

"Leader of a terrorist organization on the planet on Zorgan. Takes advantage of the planet's general distrust of Jedi to use whatever methods she deems necessary to keep them as far away from the planet as possible. We have had very few dealings with her, however, and nothing like what happened to us at all." my Master said smoothly, sounding more like a droid than a person. Kiloxan, unfazed, nodded. 

"And have you proof that she is a realative of Lorian?" 

"I believe you sent a Jedi to Zorgan several years ago? In fact...was it not Master Karshan?" I nearly jumped out of my skin.   
"He mentioned Drekka and her organization. I believe he also mentioned at some point that her eyes were green with amber lights. Well, so were Lorian's. I did some research. At first, I did wonder if the names weren't merely a coninsedence...but they are not. They _are_ siblings...same eyes, same personality, same..." His eyes flashed. "...streak of madness." 

Kiloxan nodded slowly. Then Mapru, who I had had my back to, spoke up. 

"Odd though, is it not? That someone who tortures and hates Jedi should have one for a brother?" 

"Not so odd," Yoda said thoughtfully. "Came here once, she did. She claimed she had only just discovered she had a brother, that given him to the Jedi her father had, and she wanted him back." 

"She did?" my Master asked. 

"Mmmm. Had a different name at the time. She introduced herself as Etha. But sure it was her I am." 

"And now, she and her son are dead." my Master said. 

"Yes," Mapru said thoughtfully. "Why did you kill her son, Dooku? He had just saved your precious Padawan after all." 

"I didn't know. I simply saw the boy, I knew he was Lorian's nephew and and..." He shook his head. "I let things in my past control me, Masters, and for that I am sorry." 

A few seconds, and then Master Yoda nodded. "Very well. Go you may. But speak to you again, I want to." 

I didn't turn around to see Mapru's face. I bowed and followed my Master and Mapru out of the door. 

----- 

Me and my Master returned to our quarters with Amiri. Before she left to go to her own, she suddenly turned on my Master. 

"Like to keep things to yourself, don't you?" 

He stepped back, startled, and then glared coldly. 

"I don't know what you mean." 

"Lieson and Lorian. That woman being your former best friend's sister. The fact that I've seen you in the libarary, studying the Sith...." 

"_What_?" 

I said _What _too, but no-one seemed to hear. 

"Amiri, that is none of your business!" 

"You just think that because Lorian did it, you have to as well. It's _pride_, Dooku, plain and simple, and it's about time someone told you, before you find yourself in something you can't get out of!" 

He turned suddenly and retreated into our quarters. He pulled me in as well. And he shut the door. 

*****   
  
3rd day, 9th month, standard year 24936

It was Amiri's birthday today. My Master had got a present for her...new robes and some holovids. I had wondered if he was going to give her anything. I'm glad he did. 

Vulna was there too, of course. Eventually, after the cake was eaten and the presents given, we both sneaked out to Miro's computer room. He pulled a disk from one of the dusty cupboards. 

"New game," he told me. 

I know nothing about video games, but apparently this one is brand new and very expensive. I don't know where he got it from. 

"I'll show you how this one works...quite clever really...pick out a spaceship and a weapon..." 

I picked up one of the controllers resignedly. 

"Miro's given me permission to come in here..." he said as he hit button after button. "Honest. I asked him." 

I nodded. I tapped a button with my thumb and something blew up onscreen. 

"How'd you do that?" Vulna asked, aghast. 

"I don't know." 

"It took me ages to get that far..." he whined, and then the screen went blank. 

"What did you do now?" 

"I didn't do anything." 

We both turned around, and Amiri was standing there, having used the Force to disconnect everything. 

"Hey!" Vulna yelled. 

"I've told you before," she said disapprovingly. "Killing, blowing things up..." 

"That was him who blew it up!" 

"It isn't good for you, or for anyone. I doubt Master Yoda would approve. We practise peace and serenity, and that is the complete opposite, isn't it?" 

"Yes, Master," Vulna said sulkily. 

"Give it to me," 

With a scowl on his face, Vulna plucked it from the computer and put it in her hand. Then he added, as an afterthought, "You're _supposed _to kill them. They're the _bad _guys." 

"I don't care." 

They both left the room. Since they had apparently forgotten me, I went back to our quarters, and sat around for a while simply thinking. 

***** 


	48. Quiet Days

Making   
_48. Quiet Days_   


6th day, 9th month, standard year 29436

A conversation: 

"So...did Yoda speak to you again?" 

"Yes." 

"What did he have to say? About the Sith and Lorian and....all?" 

He paused for a very long moment, and finally said: 

"It isn't your business to know, Padawan Learner." 

And so it wasn't. 

***** 

8th day, 9th month, standard year 29436

Master Karshan was just here. 

Or perhaps he wasn't. It had to have been another nightmare. But it was real...so insanely real. I was standing in a wassteland...a blazing _hot _wasteland....and I remember _thinking_ that it must be a nightmare, and trying in vain to wake myself up. I remember the fear when I realised everything was real. I didn't know where I was, and I didn't think I'd be able to escape. There were no buildings and no lights. I could see an infinity of stars and planets....and felt nothing. No connection of either hope or despair. Then I realized something else...the Force was gone. There was no more light inside me. No more feeling. Something inside of me had gone. 

Then Master Karshan was there, with a white aura all around him. He smiled at me. I smiled back...and then we were both in my room, which seemed twisted and different, as if it was someone else's room now. He looked at me, looked around the room, and started to fade away slowly.   
Then he was gone and I awoke with a yell. Master Dooku did not hear me yelling. 

***** 

1st day, winter fete, standard year 24937

Today was one of the first relaxing days we've had for ages. We'd had a mission...a long and, as my Master says, slightly dull one...(although...it took us to a beautiful forest moon where we got to spend several days sleeping underneath trees...I enjoyed it, but I'm not so sure if Master did)..and there was a lightsabre tournament, which I didn't win. I came fifth instead. 

Anyway, Master was in a strange mood today. He had stolen a huge pile of paper from somewhere and was busy writing...poetry and all sorts of things that Master Yoda might have declared to be nonsense, but I thought were pretty good. I mentioned that to him. 

"You can have a go," he told me. "I ought to use up all the paper anyway." 

So I did. 

Actually, I wrote two. And I read them out to him...I was nervous about it too, strangely enough. 

_the night is over, here's the sun_   
_there is an all inside the one_   
_i am yours, and you are mine_   
_til friendships start to die with time..._

_the sun goes in, it starts to rain_   
_perhaps we could begin again_   
_night falls, but there is not a star_   
_everything has gone too far..._

_but after night there is another day_   
_let it come soon_   
_and show us the way._

He was surprised. His eyes widened. "Not bad, not bad..." he said. "I must be honest, I didn't know you had it in you." 

Encouraged, I read the other one: 

_you haven't smiled for so long_   
_i'm sorry, friend, but i am gone_   
_i see you walking in the rain_   
_you want us to be two again..._

_you think that no-one hears you cry_   
_you think we've said our last goodbye_   
_you hope and pray that you are wrong_   
_listen, child, hear my song..._

_for through i am no longer here_   
_i watch over you_   
_i'm always near_

His lips moved along with the words I read. "I like it. I like them both. I fear you may have more talent than me, in fact." He crumpled up the piece of paper he was writing on and threw it towards the waste disposal at the other side of the room. It missed. 

"I'm sure that's not true." I said. 

"Oh, it is. Yoda always discouraged expressing onself." 

I nodded. Then he went off to the refresher, and I pulled some of the papers towards me, hoping that he wouldn't mind. 

Most of them only had one line on them (What a waste of paper...) One of those lines, however, caught my eye: 

_If not a Jedi_   
_?????_

I wondered what it meant, but then he came back and I never asked him. 

***** 


	49. Nert's Cafe

I'm sorry this is so late. I had exams, you see. And more around April...*sigh* Oh well. Here it is! 

Making   
_49. Nert's Cafe_

1st day, 2nd month, standard year 24937

I was sound asleep not long ago, and then awoke to someone shaking me. 

"Padawan!" 

"What? What is it?" 

"A Padawan is dead." 

I sat bolt upright, panic shooting through me. _Tahl! Or Clee...or Binn...or...who?_

"Masters Fors's Padawan," he said, as if reading my mind...._really _reading my mind. "Stayan. Undercover in Coruscant. He had suceeded in his mission, and was meant to be back here yesterday. He never came back." 

(I _hate _it when people don't come back...) 

"We found his body just a few hours. Well, Mace and his Master did...they'd gone out to look for him. They comlinked the Temple with the details...he'd died from a lightsaber wound." He was speaking calmly, but I could see sadness in his eyes. 

"They're dispatching five Jedi teams. Three of them I don't know, but one of them is Clee Rhara and Master Rewen. And another one is us. We're to search Coruscant for..." 

"_Dilan_." 

The word was out of my mouth before it'd even been in my mouth a second. I hadn't meant to say it. I hadn't meant to _think _it. Master glanced at me. The sadness in his eyes was gone, replaced with something not unlike fear. 

"Anything at all suspicious," he corrected me. "Anything at all." 

"When are we leaving?" 

He managed a smile. "Ten minutes. You have that long to get out of your bedclothes." 

***** 

2rd day, 2nd month, standard year 24937

I didn't even get to see Clee. As soon as I was dressed...we didn't even get anything to eat...we hurried down a corridor to the waiting speeder. Then we literally skidded to a stop, because Emlam Fors was standing there. 

I had seen her only once before. I hadn't remembered much about her...brownish hair with red streaks in it, hazel eyes, quite pretty...and seeming very dignified, even when badly injured. I looked at her now. She looked like she hadn't slept since the time when Stayan hadn't returned, and there were flecks of vomit around her mouth. 

"Let me come with you..." she said, in a voice barely above a whisper. 

"No," Master Dooku said, although he said it kindly. He ushered me into the speeder, and sat himself in the driver's seat. He started it up. 

"Please," I heard her voice over the sound of the engines. "Please..." 

Master didn't answer. I turned and looked at her. She was starting to cry. 

-----   
  
"Are you sure...we couldn't have taken her?" I ventured after a while. "We could have...kept her safe..." 

"She'll be alright," Master said, and stared straight ahead. I thought he wouldn't speak again, but he did. "She _will_." 

We drove on. The sun rose in a blaze of light. We must have got miles away from the Temple...and then we slid to a stop, outside a broken old house. Although the sun had risen, the building was dark...it was wedged inbetween three towering skyscrapers, and no light could reach it. It was cold, too. 

"Is this where they found Stayan's body?" 

"Around here, yes." 

"Where have the others gone?" 

"To the places on Coruscant where he'd been staying on his mission. Hoping to pick up clues..." 

He marched up to the house and peered through the window. Then he looked at me. "It's been searched once already," he informed me. "But no harm in checking again. I want you to stay out here. I want you to stay out here and look around...down the alleyways and such. If you see anyone, ask questions of them...ask them if they've seen anything suspicious..." 

I opened my mouth to speak, but he had vanished into the house, his lightsabre ignited. I pulled mine from my belt but didn't light it, and headed down the nearest alleyway. 

----- 

I walked for a while. The sun glinted off the buildings high above me. Eventually I came out the other side, and found myself on a main street. There weren't as many people and speeders as there could have been, seeing as it was still morning, but it was still fairly busy. 

Then I felt a disturbance in the Force. 

Something small, but growing. A shadow spreading over me. Someone was here, walking about amongst the people, hiding in the small crowds, heading straight for me... 

Still holding my lightsabre, I looked around anxiously. It was a relatively big place. Several stalls and shops, ships flying overhead and speeders flying past...and not too far from me, a small restaurant. I didn't give it much thought. I headed for that. But whatever it was was following...or it seemed like it anyway. Cursing myself, I hurried inside. 

It wasn't a very clean place. In fact, it was downright dirty. Packed with people, too. I caught a couple of Rodians glaring at me, and I hid my 'sabre under my robes. 

I looked around. Perhaps I should sit down and have some food, but there didn't seem to be many tables left. And whatever it was...it _could _have been Dilan, but I didn't and don't know and don't want to...had gone. 

Suddenly there was a hand on my shoulder. I jumped about a mile. But it wasn't a thief or a murderer...it was a boy. A boy the same age as me, although shorter. (let's face it..._everyone_'s shorter than me). He had a wide smile. 

"Looking for a table? Bit busy now..." 

"No. Umm...yes." 

He led me to a tiny table hidden away in a corner. 

"D'ya want anything?" 

"Yes please," I said, remembering my missed breakfast. I looked at a menu stuck above the counter. "I'll have, er, some soup,"   
(I pretended not to notice the man sitting behind me spit his mouthful of soup onto the floor) "And...some of the rolls." I'd save some for my Master, he hadn't eaten anything either. "Please." 

The boy nodded and went to the counter. I picked up my comlink. 

"Master?" 

"Oh, it's you, Padawan. Where are you?" 

"A restaurant. I just ordered you some food." 

"Good. Which restaurant?" 

"Um...the one near here...I don't know it's name..." I glanced above the counter. "Nert's Cafe." 

"Oh suns, not there!" 

That puzzled me somewhat. He was about to hang up, but I interupted. "Find anything in the house?" 

"Nothing. I'll meet you there. They had _better _have good food." 

Then he hung up. 

-----   
  
The food wasn't as bad is I thought it would be. I set aside a few bread rolls for my Master. He wandered in about five minutes later. 

"All the restaraunts around here and this is the one you ran into," he said reproachfully. "Unpleasant place. Very unpleasant indeed..." He took a bite of one of the rolls, and his face took on an expression of suprise. "Hmmm. Food's improved, though." 

"That's my doing," said a voice. It was the boy who'd found the table for me. Master looked at him. "Just came to see if you wanted anything else to eat."   
  
"No thank you," Master said. The boy walked off again. 

"So," I asked, while Master ate his roll. "Why is this such an unpleasant place?" 

"Oh, Nert is a friend of Yoda's." 

"Really?" 

"_Why_, I don't know." he added. "He brings nothing but trouble. Bounty hunters..." I saw the boy's head shoot up from behind the counter. "...smugglers, you name it." 

"Oh." 

We finished eating in silence. 

"Now," Master said. "Our next plan of action. Rewen called...he and everyone else are heading back for the Temple. They've found nothing either. He sounded quite frustrated..." 

"I don't blame him." 

"No, I don't blame him either. We should head back too. Now, I think the best thing would be to get permission to view all the Coruscant security tapes, but unfortunately that requires a lot of _form-filling_..."   
  
Suddenly, I felt a different sort of disturbence. One even nearer. I glanced over at my Master and concern was in his eyes. Then it faded. 

"Not who we're looking for, no..." he muttered, and turned around. On the other side of the room, on a table near the window, there sat a man and a Falleen. The Falleen was clutching a blaster, and the man was twitching nervously. I couldn't hear what they were saying. I started to move towards them. Master put his hand on my shoulder. 

"That's Nert," he muttered. "I'm not so sure we should bother! He's gotten himself out of these things on his own before, and I'm not sure it would be useful for everyone in the restraunt to know we're Jedi..." 

I gave him a look, then reddened, as it was probably disrespectful. But then he shrugged. 

"Not a good idea," he said. "But better make sure it's ok anyway..." 

So I went. I inched around tables until I was close enough to hear what they were saying. 

"One more week. One more _day_, even! I have a son to raise." 

"You've had your chance. One too many chances, if you ask me." 

Out of the corner of my eye I saw the boy, making his way towards the table nervously. 

"But...." 

"No buts. You might have been able to talk yourself out of it with the others, but not _me_." 

He raised the blaster. The boy was running, about to get in the way. Without giving myself time to think I force-pushed him to the other side of the room, where he crashed into and overturned a table, and then stepped forward with my lightsabre and sliced the blaster clean in two. 

There was dead silence. The boy picked himself up and brushed the bits of food from his clothes. The Falleen glanced at his hand as if to check it was still there. (It was.) With a snarl he picked up his two broken bits of blaster, stood up and hissed at Nert. 

"The Jedi won't be on your side for long, filth!" 

And then he ran away, banging the glass door behind him. I watched him through the window...and then felt a hand slap my back. 

"By the suns and ships and stars! You saved my life, lad!" 

Everyone else took this as a sign they could start talking again. As the chatter resumed, Nert led me to his table. I saw my Master hurrying over oto us...and the boy, as well. 

"That was _amazing_!" Nert said, his eyes bulging from his head. "How can I ever..." 

The boy reached us and jumped up on the table instead of taking a seat. He faced me, an astonded grin on his face. "You _saved_ him!" 

I nodded. Master stood by my seat awkardly. 

"How'd you like some food?" Nert said. "Completely free of charge, of course. Anything you like. Eat everything we've got, I don't mind, you saved my _life _back there..." 

"No," came Master's voice. "I'm afraid not. We have business, you see." 

"Oh," Nert's face fell a little, then he suddenly glanced up at my Master. "Hey...I recognize you." 

"Indeed?" 

"You used to come here all the time. Said you wanted to get away from the Temple. You used to write here. All the time..." 

Master held up a hand. "Yes, Nert. Thank you. We really must leave now..." 

"Well, come back anytime. And bring ffriends. You can have anything you like, on the house. Anything you like, young..." and then he trailed off, and said with a chuckle. "So...what's your name?" 

"Qui-Gon Jinn. Oh, and this is my Master, Dooku." 

"Knew it was a silly name like that," Nert said, nodding at us with a smile. "Nert," he added, holding a hand for my to shake. "Owner of this fine establishment. And now forever in your debt." 

I shook his hand and tried to find the right words, ones which wouldn't make me sound arrogant or stupid. "It was nothing, really." 

The boy suddenly stuck his hand out as well. "Didi." he annouced. "And thank you for saving my father," 

I shook his hand as well. "It was no problem, honestly. You don't owe me or anything." 

"Nonsense!" Nert said cheerfully. "Come here anytime..." 

"_Thank you_, Nert. I'm sure he will," Master said with a sigh, and then made to leave. I got up to follow him. 

"Bye, then" I said to Nert and Didi. "I'll see you soon, I promise." 

They both nodded gleefully. "Good!" 

"We'll prepare the best food for you," Didi said. 

I nodded and smiled, and then went to rejoin my Master. 

***** 


	50. Something Precious

Hey guys! Look what Jurious did for me, to celebrate the GST being around for a year! :D A throughly lovely piece of fanart, which can be found at :) 

Making   
_50. Something Precious_   


3rd day, 2nd month, , standard year 24937

Today we were in the crehe. Me and Tahl, I mean. I don't know why. We were bored, I imagine. No-one else seemed to be around, and my Master was with Yoda, probably getting lectured, no doubt. 

Kezi was in the crehe, of course. We sat and talked with her for a while. 

"Kezi," Tahl asked her. "Did you take care of us when we were babies?" 

"You weren't a baby when you came here, love...you were two at least, if I remember rightly. But oh yes, I remember you. I remember them all." She sighed. "From when they speak their first word to when they leave to be trained." 

"What was my first word?" I asked, grinning. 

"Ah, something defiant. 'Shan't' or 'Can't' or 'No'. Quite the stubborn little mister..." 

Tahl giggled. I glanced around the room. Kezi decorates it with holographs. Some she takes herself, some she gets permission to take from the Archives. Every square inch of the room seems to be covered in them, and she rotates them every so often. I spotted one of Savus, and then looked away. On the door, underneath the poem written on it, was a new one. Two men, laughing, having a mock sabre duel. But the picture looked old and faded. Many of the others did too, now I looked. 

I love the crehe. It's so....home-ish. Warm and nice. But I love the stap-map room as well, because of the adventures it promises. 

"You've got some new holographs," I said. 

"Yes, I have. I took them from the Archives, they would have deleted them otherwise." 

"Hey, can you take our picture?" Tahl asked suddenly. 

"Why not?" 

Kezi picked up her holocam, Tahl grabbed me, and she took our picture. Then she set it to it's largest size, printed it and hung it on the wall. 

"There," she said. "When the babies wake up, it'll be the first thing they see." 

*****   
  
4th day, 2nd month, standard year 24937

After that, we trained. Me and Tahl. We did katas, then a long and truly brilliant lightsabre duel. Me vs her. She's getting good. Really good. Clee and her Master and all the others in the room gathered around to watch. I was winning. I was smiling at the thought of winning a duel in front of all these people (I suppose that was my undoing) and I blocked Tahl's moves one after another....and suddenly in the blink of an eye, she had two lightsabres in her hands. Her usual yellow and a blue one too. I was caught off guard. She had no trouble finishing me off. 

----- 

After that, and after we'd both gone back to our quarters and changed, we decided to go to Nert's Cafe. I'd told her what had happened there. She found it rather amusing. 

We were about to leave when Amiri and Vulna jumped out at us. I mean literally jumped out at us. They had been hiding around a corner. They do random things like that smetimes. They seem to act not like Master and Padawan but like friends. Or like brother and sister. Or...something 

"Why'd you jump out at us?" Tahl asked, sounding oddly irritated. "It wasn't necessary." 

"You should've been able to sense us there, you weren't paying much attention to your surroundings." Vulna sai with a grin. 

"Of course we knew you were around here somewhere, we just didn't know you'd jump out at us," Tahl said. "That's all." 

"Where are you going anyway?" Amiri asked. "Outside the Temple?" 

"To Nert's Cafe," I said. They'd already heard the story. "He did say I could some anytime, and bring friends. Why don't you both come?" 

So they did. 

----- 

Nert was delighted to see so many of us. 

"Sit down, sit down, fine Jedi!" he annouced loudly, making several other customers look up from their food. I couldn't help but blush a little. "Down here," he said, leading us tto a table near the window and swiping at it hurriedly with the wet piece of cloth he was carrying. "Now," he said once we'd all sat down. "What will you have?" 

We each picked up a menu and examined it. 

"I'll have the tim'af fruit and a drink of Tolinop." Tahl said eventually. 

"I'm not hungry," Vulna said. 

"_I _am," said Amiri. "I'll have...what Tahl's having. And some chocos, too," She looked around. "Lots of those, please." 

"Just soup for me, please," I said. 

"Coming right up," Nert practically shouted, and retreated to the kitchen. I half expected him to let out a whoop of joy. 

"Nice guy," Amiri said. 

"Yes, he is." 

It was quiet at our table for a few moments, nothing but the noise of the traffic outside and of people talking and fighting elsewhere in the cafe. Tahl drummed her fingers on the table. I looked around for Didi. I wanted him to meet the others. I spotted him on the other side of the cafe...and was surprised at how connected to him through the force I felt already, despite the fact I'd only known him for a few days. 

He saw us too, and came running over. 

"Qui-Gon! Hi!" He ran up and sat on the table, like he'd done before. "Are these your friends?" 

I introduced them all. "Tahl Wildstar, Vulna Rolab, Amiri Chet," 

"Didi Oddo," he said, and shook hands with each of them in turn. I realised just then that I hadn't known his last name previously. 

Neet had returned with the food. "And where's your fine and noble Master?" 

"I don't know." I told him. "I left without him." 

"Well, if he wants you, he'll be able to contact you," Amiri said. I wondered how. Through means of the comlink I carried around, or through our bond? It was there, it was definately there, we can sense each other's thoughts a lot now...but it doesn't seem to...well, _work _all the time. I know that's me making something so precious sound like a piece of machinery, but it's the only way I can think of to describe it. I tried reaching out at that point, I felt him, could smell him and hear his breathing just like he was next to me...and tried speaking. 

_Master_! 

I didn't know if he heard. I tried again. 

He answered. 

_Padawan? What's the matter? Are you alright?_

I grinned. _No. I'm just seeing if I can talk to you telepathically. I mean properly._

_Yes....well, good. Very good. Where exactly are you,by the way._

_The cafe._

_Then I suppose I'd better join you._

Then he...well, stopped talking. It's a strange thing to describe. It was like he hung up the comlink, or walked out of the room, except...not like that at all. 

Tahl was watching me. "What on Earth were you just doing?" 

"Talking to my Master. I finally managed to." 

"I thought you could already," 

"Not like that....not hold proper conversations. I mean. Sometimes I sort of hear him, but that's about it." 

"Oh." She stirred her drink with her straw. "Me and Thea can't do that." 

"You can't?" 

"No. I can't sense where she is either. I can sense _you _far better than her." 

I felt an odd flash of pride at that. 

Didi had still been sitting on the table, looking somewhat awkward, through all of that. 

"It must be cool to be a Jedi," he finally said. "What sort of things happen?" 

I opened my mouth to tell him, but wasn't sure about where to start. And there were things I'd rather not mention. Luckily Vulna came to my rescue. 

"I'll tell you everything," he said. "_If _you get off the table. It's annoying." 

"Sorry," he said, and slid off. He snatched a chair from another table, and pulled it over to ours. 

Vulna started talking. Most of the stories mentioned him. I noticed that neither Dilan nor Savus got a mention. I did, but only in passing. Amiri filled in details at various points. He'd just gotten to the point where he saved a whole planet from a vicious mutated duck when my Master walked in. Didi hastily offered him his seat. 

"Thank you, Didi." 

"I need to go cook stuff anyway," he said, and hurried off. Master leaned across the table to me. 

"I've been thinking about what you said the other day," he said. At my puzzled look he added. "When I told you we were to look for someone and you said Dilan," 

"Oh." 

"I've been wondering if you're right. In fact, I thought it likely ever since you said it. I mentioned it to Yoda...he disagreed." 

"Why?" Amiri asked, at the exact same time Vulna said. "Dilan wouldn't _kill_, would he?" 

"Yoda believes he's dead or left the planet," Master gave a sigh. "It's _infuriating_." 

"But what about Stayan...doesn't his Master deserve to know who murdered him?" 

"We haven't gotten permission to view the security tapes. And if we can't comb the planet for Dilan...and apparently we _can't_...then there's nothing more we can do." 

Amiri finished her food. Tahl and me had finished ages ago. We got up to leave. I sought out Didi and Nert and said goodbye to them. 

"Come back some other time!" Nert called. 

"If you want to!" Didi added. We left and stood outside, waiting for an airtaxi. I suddenly realized exactly what I'd achived that day. 

_Master?_

_Oh! Yes?_

_Why has it taken us so long to get the hang of this?_

_I'm not sure, to be honest, but I'm glad we can now. It will be useful._

_I guess it will._

The airtaxi came. We headed back to the Temple...Tahl to Thea, Amiri and Vulna to their quarters, and my Master and me to our fears. 

***** 


	51. Slowly Fading Stars

Making   
_51. Slowly Fading Stars_

  
32rd day,2nd month, standard year 29437

I wonder about Vulna sometimes. I really do. Maybe it's even more worrying than wondering. He was caught cheating on a test today, by Master Mapru no less. So outside in the corridor, just now, a loud arguement between Mapru, Vulna, and Amiri just took place. With my Master joining in. Actually, he joined in the loudest, come to think of it. As soon as he heard them, he stormed out of the door and told me to stay here and not get involved. So I didn't. But Amiri...I think she's _crying_. I can't stay in here no matter what he says. I'm going out to see her. 

***** 

She was upset. But - here's the thing...she didn't even mention to Vulna that he shouldn't have been cheating...she didn't say anything about it at all. Vulna did look guilty and he was trying to comfort her...but it's just, if she doesn't say a word to him about it, he might do it again. Maybe she was going to talk to him after we had gone, but I don't know. 

----- 

Master came in here just now and sat down on a chair. 

"They worry me," he said, echoed my own thoughts. 

"Amiri and Vulna?" 

"Of course. Who else?" He adjusted his tunic. "Master Mapru...I use the term _Master _loosly...will undoubtably tell the rest of the Council about this, especially because of Vulna's past record...and what will Amiri do then?" He sighed. "It's not unheard of for the Council to part Padawans from their Masters...rare, but not unheard of. And what will Amiri do then? She loves that boy," Something clicked in me then. 

"She really does, doesn't she?" 

"Yes." 

We were both silent, wondering. 

"Master...don't take this as a criticism towards Amiri, because I don't mean it in the way you...might think I do, but...why is she a Jedi? She seems...unsuited for it, Master." 

He shook his head slowly. "It's my fault, Padawan. She was ready to go to the Agricorps...she wanted to. But I convinced her otherwise. I wanted her to stay...with Lorian gone I had so few friends. She took pity on me and stayed, bound to a life where she sees things she should never see and does things she should never do. I destroyed her innocence." 

He rose from the chair and stood by the door, obviously wondering what course of action he should take. 

"The Council wouldn't really seperate them, would they?" I asked. "The Force..." 

"How do you know they listen to the Force?" he said, in a voice both fearful and bitter. "How do you know they haven't decided, somewhere along the way, that _they _know better?" 

I didn't want to believe that. "Master, nothing has happened yet. No-one's been seperated from anyone. And it's possible that nothing will happen...we'll just have to be patient." 

I wondered what his reaction to that would be, but after a few seconds he smiled and sat back down again. 

"Wise you are becoming, Padawan," he said. Then he looked immensely annoyed. "I _mean_...you are becoming wise. Very wise indeed."   
  
*****   
  
5th day, 3rd month, standard year 24937

Birthday celebrations were more subdued than usual, mostly because of Vulna's sullenness. Yoda spoke to him. So did Vione. So did the whole Council, in fact. I can just see Mapru's gloating face from here. 

Master tells me I'm getting too old for birthday celebrations anyway. Perhaps he's right. 

*****   
  
15th day, 4th month, standard year 29437

I think Vulna's up to something. I just can't work out what. He's acting all strange and sulky...more than usual, I mean. I've heard the Masters speak about him..._'behaviour unbecoming of a Jedi' 'what are we doing to _do _about him?' _and so on. I'm worried. Master says I shouldn't be, that all this is just a phrase he's going through and he's going to stop soon enough...and he added that Vulna would never be consumed by the Darkside anyway. 

"What makes you say that?" 

"Because he doesn't seem to care enough. Not about light...and not about dark." 

He had a point there. A very good point. A Jedi didn't just listen to the Force, he or she _loved _it...and by default loved everything that was. Vulna did not. I also realised in the moment that maybe a lot of people did not. I remembered what Master had said about the Council. It was a strange thought. It didn't seem to scare me or anything, it was just...strange. 

I went to the star-map room eventually, to meditate. There was no-one else there...just me and a load of stars. I watched them and wondered, and my mind kept drifting. Towards Nert's Cafe. I didn't know what it could mean. Would Dilan be there? Would something have happened to Didi or Nert? Either way, it seemed the Force was...is...asking me to go there. So that's where I'm going. 

***** 

Dilan was there. I saw him. I don't know what to do.... 

***** 


	52. Things About Love You Don't Understand

Making   
_52. Things About Love That You Can't Understand_   


Right. I'll calm down and explain everything now. Dilan was there, but he didn't see me. I saw him. He looked different...older, angrier, dirtier, tougher. He wasn't still in his Jedi robes...he was wearing black. He was carrying a book, but I had no idea what book it was. 

And Vulna was with him. 

I don't know what to do. I don't even know what's going on. They were talking...Dilan was smiling. Vulna was not. That I remember. 

Perhaps Vulna's trying to get Dilan to turn back? But he'll never be allowed back in the Jedi Order again. And if the Council finds out that Vulna has been meeting Dilan...I'm _sure _they'll just expel him, regardless of his intentions. I can see it happening now. I'll talk to my Master...tell him. He's usually the sensible one. 

***** 

17th day, 4th month, standard year 29437

I did everything wrong. 

Amiri and my Master say that's not true, that what happened wasn't my fault...but I feel so much like it is. I went to find him,but I was told he was with Amiri. So I thought I would tell them both. We went to a deserted corner of the Room Of The Thousand Fountains, and I told them what I had seen. 

But Mapru had been hiding and listening. I hadn't seen him there...hadn't even sensed him. He's very good at disguising himself, apparently. He heard the whole thing. 

It's all my fault. I should have waited until Master came back to the quarters...or something. I was too impatient. I was _wrong_. 

And now something bad _will _happen because of me. 

***** 

I'm sitting on my bed. Master has just stopped himself from saying that he hates Master Mapru. And Amiri is not crying. 

***** 

Vulna's gone, I don't know where. 

Wait, he's coming back... 

***** 

We stood before the Council. I do not know what my Master and I were doing there. The Council just let us stay. Master had his hand on Amiri's shoulder. 

There was talking. And arguing. Vulna said nothing; just glared. Yoda said nothing either. Master shouted, Amiri stood there silently, I watched. 

"You've grown to love him like a child," I heard Mapru say, speaking like he was talking to a two-year-old...and intending to utterly terrify her. "We fear we _must _part you now." 

Master began to yell, so did Amiri. But Mapru cut them off.   
  
"The Council is decided," he said icily. "Master Yoda made his decision...he agrees with me." 

All of us in the center of the circle turned to look at Yoda. He glanced back. I read everyone's eyes....Amiri's were frightened, Vulna's were lost, and my Master...he looked full of bitter disappointment. 

"Anyway," Mapru annouced. "The matter is closed, no more arguing. Amiri...return to your quarters...and _you two_, as well. Vulna, you stay." 

No-one moved. 

I found myself talking, my voice shaking at first. 

"This isn't right," 

"It's not for you to decide, fortunately." Mapru said. "Leave." 

"Mapru, you of all people...you...you lost Dilan, don't you know what it's _like _for her?" 

"No." 

"We're sorry this happened, we truly are," I heard Vione say. "But the Code..." 

"The Code! What's the...what's the _point_ of this? We do_ good_...what good will this achive?" 

No-one spoke. Vulna stepped forward, however. 

"Thank you," he muttered. I couldn't tell if he meant it or not. 

Yoda looked at each of us in turn. He looked at Mapru as well. I noticed he wasn't happy...didn't seem to be, anyway. 

"_Now_," he said quietly, "Leave you will." 

*****   
  
18th day, 4th month, standard year 29437

Mapru came to our quarters to tell us which Master Vulna had been reassigned to...Master Kiloxan, a Council member. He didn't seem in the least bit sorry about anything...downright unemotional, in fact. 

Amiri hit him. 


	53. Guilt's Ghosts

Making   
_53. Guilt's Ghosts_   


***** 

11th day, 5th month, standard year 24937

It's been at least four weeks. There have been days where everyone seems to be screaming and days where things seem normal. But Amiri is depressed...she hardly talks to anyone. I think she blames me. I don't hold it against her. I've seen Vulna around, but he doesn't say hardly anything...not to me or anyone else. Vione has called Amiri before the Council more than once, sent her to Healers and everything. She also suggested that Amiri should maybe take a leave of absence and spend some time at the Agri-corps, but no more has been said of it. Maybe my Master told them to forget it. Maybe _Amiri _told them to forget it. I don't know. I feel helpless. And that's not a feeling I like. 

Master is not here, he's with Amiri. Tahl isn't here, the Council have organized something called Routine Archive Checks. I have no idea why they choose now to decide this, but they have and today is Tahl's turn. So I'm alone here. 

What must I _do_? 

***** 

12th day, 5th month, standard year 24937

Well, moping around won't help me, that I do know. I went to visit Vulna, but he wasn't there. 

*****   
  
13th day, 5th month, standard year 24937

Saw Master Mapru in the star-map room. As soon as I walked in he left. 

***** 

Master and I ate our dinner in silnece...we have been doing so for ages. Just before he got up to leave I said. "Do you think this is my fault?" 

He paused, and turned around, and sat back down again. He did something he'd never done before...he took my hands in his. "It is not your fault," he said. "Not _yours_. It's entirely the fault of a certain someone else...and if the Force won't make him suffer for it..." 

He let go of my hands and rolled up his sleeves. 

"We haven't talked in a while," he said gently. "Have we, Padawan?" 

"Well, we've both been busy." 

"Busy..." he shook his head. Then he got up and paced around...he does that when he's agitated. "Padawan, I want to ask you a question. Does it ever..._concern _you that for a Jedi, attachments are forbidden?" 

This was something new. And it disturbed me more then it should. 

"I don't know, Master. I don't...well, as strange as it sounds, I don't think about it much. I'm attached to a lot of people...and I wouldn't want to leave them, no matter what the Council said. No matter what _anyone _said." 

He nodded. Slowly. "Intelligent lad," he muttered under his breath. Then he looked at me properly. "Intelligent young man. Now, I have people to see...and I imagine you have work of some kind to do." 

"Yes, Master." 

"I'll be back later." 

He exited. I heard the door shut behind him. 

***** 

32nd day, 5th month, standard year 24937

I thought Amiri was starting to, to use Mapru's hateful phrase 'get over it'. But she isn't. I've seen her...walking the corridors dressed in white, she looks like a ghost! How could they do this to her? I have no answers. Master has no answers. Vulna isn't saying much to me, or to anyone. Tahl is standing by me, but...well, I think her Master told her to mind her own business. She's clearly disobeying that order, and I'm glad. 

...Amiri just came in here. She was acting weird. Her hair was unbrushed, and she looked like she hadn't slept. She walked right up to me and looked at what I was writing. I didn't cover it up. 

"Listen," she said. I listened. 

"You're like my own child, you really are," she said. "And so is Vulna. In the perfect world that...doesn't exist, you two boys would be brothers. I need you to be brothers, I really do. I want you to find Vulna and be a friend to him. He needs to stay away from Dilan, stay away from darkness. You can help him, I know you can. Will you promise?" 

I didn't know what this was about. But the Force was speaking...don't think about it, simply do it. "Yes. I promise." 

"Good," she said, and then she kissed me and wandered towards the door. 

"I'm going out somewhere...the cafe, maybe." she said without looking back at me. Then she added, with a smile, "Don't worry, I'll get changed first." 

Now she's gone. 

***** 


	54. Glass Breaks

Making   
_54. Glass Breaks_   


33rd day, 5th month, standard year 24937 (well, almost)

I don't know where Amiri is. We can't reach her. 

***** 

33rd day, 5th month, standard year 24937

Oh Force if you can hear me, please make her come back somehow, _please_, she's gone, I expect she doesn't want to return and it's all my fault, tell me where she is DO something, she's been gone for hours, she CAN'T have done anything wrong... 

...she'll walk though the door any minute now, I love you, bring her back please.... 

***** 

35th day, 5th month, standard year 24937

I tried to erase everything up there, but I couldn't. 

Amiri, why can't you contact us? Please? How could you be so selfish? You're not selfish, you're not. 

So that means you must be 

***** 

1st day, 6th month, standard year 29437

Dead. 

***** 

I sat at the table. Master came in suddenly. 

"I will never forgive him for this. Not ever." 

He pulled his robe down from a hook on the wall and put it on. It's funny. He hardly ever wears it. It makes him look strange. 

"Where are you going?" 

"To the Council, whether they'd like to see me or not." 

"Let me come with you." 

"Very well." 

I jumped up from the table and went to find my own robe. As I put it on, he spoke. 

"It isn't your fault, Padawan. I blame just a few people...not one of them is you." 

I nodded. 

Then he added. "I would also appreciate it if you let me do the talking." 

We left. Down the corridors, past Amiri's abandoned room, past various people walking the opposite direction, and to the Council Tower. 

------ 

Mapru was waiting for us. I looked up at my Master, but his expression was unreadable. 

"Master, I think it's best we ignore him..." 

Mapru overhead, and stepped in front of the door. 

"Ignore him. Such childishness, hmmm? And from a Padawan of yours, Kanak. Isn't that suprising?" 

My Master made a noise a little like a growl, and stepped towards him. "And your own Padawan, Tilmar? It's a shame he _isn't _dead...isn't it?" 

The Council Chamber door opened and Vione came out. She took one look at the situation and her claws came out. (She's a Lecu Noorian. She can do that. Personally, I think it would hurt...her hands are all scarred over.) 

"Enough," she said. 

They stopped. At least it hadn't come to blows. 

"Thank you. Dooku, I'm sorry. Go back to your quarters, this won't solve anything." 

"I'm not sure about that." 

"_Please_." She sounded very tired. "Have you forgotten what you are? You're a Jedi. And this is not the way you act." 

He glared at her. 

"The same goes for you, Tilmar," she added, not glaring back. 

He grunted. 

I spoke up. "Amiri's _gone_, Master Vione. She might be dead. What's going to happen? Aren't you going to do anything?" 

Everyone looked at me. I remembered I'd been told not to say anything. 

"We've sent out a search party, we've checked footage from the secruity cameras...we've done all we can. What more would you have us do?" 

"She left of her own free will," Mapru spoke up. 

"_In answer to your question_, Master Vione," I said loudly, in order to drown him out if he started speaking again. "I would like all of you to stop acting like she's some sort of criminal! She wouldn't have left if..." 

I glanced at my Master; he didn't say anything. In fact, he was encouraging me to continue with his eyes. 

"...if you hadn't done what you did." 

Vione rubbed the scars on her hands; her claws had retracted. "We acted within the Jedi Code. It's been around for centuries, we're entited to seperate Masters and Padawans if we think they've been paired wrongly." 

"But _you _don't know. You can't see into Amiri's mind. Or Vulna's." I added, wondering where he was anyway. "You've made a mistake. Everyone has, me included, probably...and we have to put every effort possible into making sure we find her! She's one of our own. She's like family!" 

"And Jedi don't have family." Mapru said. 

"I _know_. But I don't care!" 

The Council room door, left forgotten, opened. Yoda stepped out, clutching his stick tightly. 

"_Care_," he said determinedly, "you should." 

"Yoda-" my Master spoke up. 

"_Master _Yoda!" he snappped. "Why are some things so hard to remember, for younger Jedi? Respect. Care. Why is this?" 

"My concern is for Amiri," I said. "not about whether thousand-year-old rules are kept or broken." 

Yoda closed his eyes. I expected my Master to speak up then, but he didn't. 

"Correct, Master Mapru is. Amiri left of her own free will." Master did open his mouth at this, but Yoda held up a hand to stop him. "Lost she is. Perhaps not forever. But we have done what we could. No more can we do." 

Master opened his mouth again, but then he just turned his back and left, leaving them and leaving me. I looked around at the remaining three people in the room, bowed, and then ran after him. No-one tried to call me back. 

***** 

2nd day, 6th month, standard year 29437

After I'd done my lightsabre practise for the day....five hours trying to force down my fear and anger, it was the most difficult lesson I'd ever had...I went to find Vulna. I was worried. I didn't know where his new quarters were, I hadn't seen him in any classes, and I wanted to see if he was okay. 

I found him in the Glass Room. The Glass Room is odd. The ceiling's made of glass, and there's glass shelves stacked with glass ornaments and things. And there's a bed in there,a four-poster one. There's of lot of mystery surrounding that room...they say it belonged to the person who founded the Jedi order, and we're not supposed to go in there. But a lot of people do anyway...us Padawans, at least. We'd get punished if we were caught. I'm too afraid to. In case I knock over any glass or something. That wouldn't be nice. At all. But I went in there just this once. 

I was taken aback by how pretty it was. I'd seen it sometimes, but I'd never actually stepped inside it. But now I had, and if you looked up you could see the whole sky. I loved it instantly. I'm going to have to go back in there sometime. 

Anyway, Vulna was sitting on the bed, just staring off into space. He didn't seem to even notice me. I sat down too and put my hand on his shoulder. 

He didn't speak for a while. I looked up at the sky. It was blue, turning red. 

Finally he spoke. 

"She didn't say goodbye to me." 

And the guilt I suddenly felt for being the last person Amiri had spoken to far outweighed all the other guilt I held. 

"I didn't even see her," he whispered. "She never said goodbye." 

I tightened my grip on his shoulder. 

"She...said some things to me," I said, and his head jerked up to look me in the eyes. 

"What did she say?!" 

I swallowed. "She told me you were like her own child. And she asked me to be your friend. To look after you." 

He turned away, and then I realised he was crying. 

"Shhh...it's okay, it's okay....We'll try and find her. We _will _find her." I said. 

He swiped at his face with his sleeves. 

"She loved you, Vulna." 

"Jedi can't love." he hissed, and he pushed the pillows stacked up on the side of the bed. "They can't!" 

I remembered something my Master had said. About Vulna not caring enough, not about light and not about dark. Well, he cared for love. And love was neither. 

I think. 

I waited why Vulna cried. Then, finally, he looked back up at me again. 

"Thank you." 

"For what?" 

"For trying. For going up against the Council and stuff. And your Master, too. Thanks." 

"That's okay." I said awkwardly. 

"I'd better go." he said. The tears were gone from his face now. But I could sort of sense a whirlwind of emotions coming from within him. _My Master's last words were given to him. Not me..._

I took one last look at the sky and walked to the door with him. We parted ways in the corridor. 

"Don't forget, Vulna," I said quietly as he walked away. "She _did _love you." 

----- 

When I got back, something happened. The room was dark. I could hear someone muttering to themselves in the other room. I felt a flash of fear. I opened the door and went in. It was my Master. 

There was a bottle in his hand. He was muttering things about Yoda. 

"....oh, the arrogant troll, not a warm bone in his body, not anything in him that might consider being kind to a frightened kid..." 

I watched warily. 

"I was too dangerous, of course, a time-bomb of evilness, future murderer, soulless demon, etc etc etc, and HE agreed, and HE only took me to get all the evil demonic murderer vile wicked nastiness out of me...otherwise they'd have sent me somewhere horrible, some war-ravaged planet, probably hoping I'd die....to hell with it, they probably had the cake and the confetti waiting so they could throw a party when I _did_ die..." 

I picked up the bottle and went to throw it out of the window. 

"Don't!" he yelled, sane for a split second. "The window? Are you completely mental? It would hurt someone! KILL someone, probably! _Think_!" 

"Oh. Sorry," I said sheepishly, and threw it in the waste disposal instead. 

"Honestly," he continued, waving his arms about in a rather strange manner. "They call themselves good people? When so far all they've really suceeded in is hurting innocent children? If it weren't for you, and the fact that I'm training you, I'd be out of here like a shot. Become a poet. Or a pirate. Or a smuggler, or a Sith. No no no, really don't like them at all. If you had more sense, you wouldn't either. You should get out while you can, become a sewage worker or something creative like that." 

He reached behind the cupboard and pulled out another bottle. He took a long drink. "Not that you're senseless, o'course.   
An' I'm not senseless either. Now kindly escort me to my bedroom, Master Jedi, mad ramaging wallpaper is eating my socks."   
He moved to throw his bottle out of the window and I forced it out of his hand and dropped that in the disposal as well. He flopped into the sofa, stayed there for a few minutes while I watched nervously and suddenly went back to normal. 

"What...did I do?" he asked, barely daring to look at me. 

"Well, you were going on about how everyone hated you and how Yoda thought you were dangerous," I said hesitantly. "Then you started ranting about how the wallpaper wanted to eat your socks, so I decided it would be wise to not take everything you said entirely seriously." 

"Oh," he said, and I've never seen anyone look more embarassed. There was a silence for far too long.   
"I'm very, very sorry, Padawan." he said finally, and I knew he meant it. 

"S'alright." I managed to say. 

He nodded and turned to go to his quarters. Possibly to check on his socks. 

I can't sleep. 

***** 


	55. Look Harder

Making   
_55. Look Harder_   
  
4th day, 6th month, standard year 29437

I am never looking into Vulna's eyes again. 

He looks terrible. 

5th day, 6th month, standard year 29437

I've barely spoken to my Master at all since the night of the 2nd. He hasn't spoken to me either. He's been to the Council and he's screamed at people, but he hasn't screamed at me. 

I don't know if it's even crossed his mind that bits of this are my fault. 

I went looing for Vulna. Again. I know I ought to just leave him alone, as he clearly doesn't want to talk, but the Force is practically begging me. All the time. Even now. Like it's telling me I could either stop something, or I can't. 

Anyway, I went looking. Glass room, nothing. Star room, nothing. Room of a Thousand Fountains, nothing...until I looked harder. 

Behind one of the waterfalls, there was a cave. I had to explore pretty throughly before I found it. And I had to go through the water, so I got wet and left a trail of footprints. But it was an interesting place. It was somewhat muddy...my boots got dirty...and there were boxes stacked up at the sides. I went and looked in one. Two old lightsabres. That was it. I didn't have time to explore any more, because I heard people talking. One was Vulna...I know his voice. The other was Zacka. 

She usually sounds like...like, well, what she is. A bully. But she sounded quite panicked now. 

"He's got it," she said. 

I didn't hear anything from Vulna. 

"He's got it," I heard Zacka say again. The voices were getting closer. I inched back towards the enterance. "That's all he really needs to..." 

They were coming! I slid behind some of the boxes, and listened. But no more voices were coming...although I could see Zacka and Vulna, standing by the waterfall. 

Vulna spoke at last. "We have to be careful," 

He went through the water and out of the cave. Zacka stayed there, as if she suspected someone was listening. Then she left, as well. I waited a few minutes, then I went back to my quarters, and changed out of my dirty clothes. 

6th day, 6th month, standard year 29437

Yesterday, after all that, I sat with my Master. There were some things I wanted to ask him. 

"Master?" 

"Yes?" 

I took a deep breath. "Why do you hate your own Master so much? I mean...what you were saying...the other night." 

He looked at me, a strange expression on his face. "I didn't always," he said. "Not really. I was young and I needed someone. Wanted someone, even if it was just a mad old green troll-like creature. But...things changd as I grew older. Who knows? Maybe he wanted to train me to make up for his failure with Ololian. In fact, he did, that's the answer. And when he realised that I _wasn't_ going to redeem that failure, he just started not caring." 

I nodded, although I was turning all this over in my head, trying to analyse it. 

"The other explanation is that he thought I was likely to fall to the Dark Side. I don't know why," he added. "He thinks he's the only one who can do anything. He doesn't think people will be able to suceed if they don't listen to him...and I didn't." 

I knew _that_ was true. But I had one more question. 

"Why do you mostly talk about what you think about him behind his back, not to his face? The first night I heard you...in the Healer's Wing, you were both talking about me and I heard you...you didn't sound too furious with him then. So...was that an act, then?" 

There was a very long pause. 

"Partly. Perhaps." 

And this threw me a bit, because one word I would always use to describe him is 'honest' and honest people don't do that. 

"Oh, I don't know, Padawan," he said. "I do respect him...a little...you have to be good to get as much power as he has. I just don't like him. At _all_. And if you'd been apprenticed to him, I believe you wouldn't either." 

I found no real answer to that. 

17th day, 6th month, standard year 29437

It's chaos here. Zacka...she wasn't here for a day or so, people were looking for her and things...and now they've found her. And she's dead. Been killed with a lightsabre. 

I'm worried. I'm really worried. 

Master just came in here. 

"I wonder," he said darkly. "how anyone could be so stupid as to not check Dilan hadn't smuggled his lightsabre away!" 

"You think he did?" I asked stupidly. 

"Only reasonable explanation," he growled. 

"Maybe it was stolen..." 

"Who knows?" 

"I think it's him killing," I whispered. "It has to be. Maybe someone stole his lightsaber for him...maybe the Council weren't that stupid after all? Maybe whoever stole it is even someone outside the Temple..." 

But Master, in a bad mood now, just gave a nod and left. 

This is my fault. This all goes back to me. It was me who helped to get Dilan expelled. If it hadn't been for that, he would have stayed and maybe changed. But I got him expelled...and now he's killing us for revenge! It's my fault Stayan died, and it's my fault Zacka died! It's _me_! 

The next person he kills had better be me, then. 

Okay, I _know_. I know it's him and not me. I know it's silly for me to think this...when I shared it with my Master a few minutes ago he told me so himself. But I can't get rid of the feeling. 

Vulna knows something. He has to know. BUT HE WON'T TELL ME! And I don't know what I ought to do. I feel like I'm in the middle of a huge, huge _mess_... 

I think Mapru was right about me. 


	56. The Moment You Realise You're Not A Chil...

Making   
_56. The Moment You Realise You're Not A Child Anymore_   


21st day, 6th month, standard year 29437

Went to Didi's cafe. Because the Temple is scaring me now. Everyone is walking around with these _looks _on their faces, like something's just started and they won't _live _to see the end of it... 

Didi and me ate some food. 

"Strange things have been happened around here," he told me, in the middle of a conversation about something else. 

"I know," I answered. Something occured to me. "Listen. Perhaps I oughtn't tell you, although I think I should...a girl went missing. Her name was Zacka...she was a green Twi'lek. Have you heard anything?" 

"No..." He looked worried. "People going missing? But...oh...what if they get you next?!" 

I assured him that they wouldn't. But he fussed over me the rest of the day. 

7th day, 7th month, standard year 24936

Not much has happened. No-one knows what going on...with anything...anymore. Everyone's worried. Vulna is avoiding me. More than that, even. He won't _talk_. In a fit of rage I'm very ashamed of, I practically pushed him up against the wall and threatened him to _talk _to me or else. He wouldn't. 

And Master's so quiet now. Now that Amiri's gone. I miss her. I miss her so much... 

Master had been watching me write. Then he got up from his seat and went to the door. 

"I just remembered something," he muttered. "Routine archive checks..." 

That jogged my memory somewhat. "Tahl had to do that." 

"I know," he said. "Boring worrk. And difficult, having to go through everything..." 

"Why, what do you have to do?" 

"Just you through the older Archives beaneath the Temple...they kept them locked up before," he said vaguely, something on his mind. "You're given a list, you have to check it's all there....needs a lot of people...and..." But then he snapped out of it. "See you later," he said aruptly, and was gone. 

8th day, 7th month, standard year 29437

I heard them arguing. Yoda and my Masster.They thought I was asleep...or maybe they were too busy yelling to care. 

I had remember a few things... 

"She must have taken it! You should have been more careful!" 

"Clever, she was. Very clever, to outwit me..." 

"YOU SHOULD HAVE REALISED EARLIER! DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND! Stedents dead, Amiri gone...AMIRI, WHO WAS ONE OF THE FEW LIGHTS IN THIS PLACE...and if all the d'Jocheks are involved, _Master_, we're in TROUBLE!" 

"Speak like that, you _must not_..." 

Then a door slammed shut. 

10th day, 7th month, standard year 29437

No-one will talk to me. _No-one will tell me anything. _I can't stand it I can't stand it I can't stand it. It's driving me crazy. Tahl is off on some planet doing some stupid thing and no-one else seems to be around and Master won't tell me what the argemen was about and I don't know who '_she_' was and Vulna just won't talk and I think he probably hates me and I miss Amiri so much. 

11th day, 7th month, standard year 29437

I was sitting in the middle of the room meditating. I was doing a bad job. Master came in. He sat down at the table, then got up and made some food. I watched. When he put it down on the table I sat down with im. We ate in silence, and finally he cracked. 

"I imagine you're curious about the argument." 

"I am," I said, a bit snappishly. He looked at me, surprised. 

""Remember Drekka?" he asked me. I did. Then it struck me. "But she's..." 

"Yes. Dead. But do you remember Yoda saying she came here once? Called herself Etha?" 

I had to search through my memories for a few seconds, but I remembered. 

"Yes..." 

"Well, she took something," he said carefully. "And it's taken us-_him_-this long to find out. Dilan and darkness are alive...very much alive...and there's nothing we can do about it." 

12th day, 7th month, standard year 29437

But there were more questions. And since I didn't think of them until later...this is a lot to take in...I spoke to my Mastre again. But I, as usual, chose the wrong moment...when I found my Master, he was outside, and Mapru was with him, and they were arguing. 

When I saw Mapru, I turned to go back inside, but he stopped me. 

"Let's involve your Padawan in the conversation too, Kanak," he said. "No doubt he's dying to know." 

""As a matter of fact, I've told him almost everything," Master snapped. 

"Almost?" 

They both looked at me. Or glared, perhaps. 

"Anything you want to know, Padawan, ask it." Master said. 

I hate these situation. I _do. _"All right...Master, _what _did...what was taken?" 

"A book of Sith magic," Master muttered. I looked at Mapru;; he was smirking. 

"And..." I hurried on. "How come you knew to look for it...Tahl looked at the archives too, how come she didn't..." 

"How did he know about the book of Sith magic?" Mapru hissed. "Because he's unhealthly obsessed with two things...the Sith and his...old friend." 

"Because," Master answered, his eyes flashing viciously "I am the only one around here with any sense. Clearly. I requested you look for the book. _Requested_ it. And judging by the results, you didn't even let Tahl know." 

"You don't know it's been stolen," Mapru snapped back. "It could be anywhere. The Temple's a big place." 

"It won't be for much longer! It'll be a pile of dust!" He was yelling now. "And I could have prevented it. But no. You suggest it's a better idea to let the old Archives rot. And when you do decide maybe we should look at it to see if our secrets are kept, you trust it to Padawans." 

Mapru came right up to him, and I thought he'd hit him. 

"I stopped you from looking." he hissed. "I want you to keep away from there. Archives. Sith. You. Lorian. Do you know what Eridar left me?" 

"Ololian?" 

"Yes. Don't you know her gift was real?" 

"What? Oh, don't tell me." He sounded disgusted. "They say she was mad..." 

"They were wrong. And so are you. And I saw both your fates, and together you'll cause more destruction then any team that ever existed in this temple." 

_Cause more destruction..._

"What do you mean?" 

But I never got to know. Master grabbed me arm, and pulled me away from him. He raced down the corridor, me being pulled along. Mapru wasn't following us. Eventually we slowed to a walk. I managed to speak. 

"Ololian?" I said. "I _know_ about her. I mean, I know she was...she was Karshan's Master, and she was Yoda's Padawan and...everyone said she was crazy and everything...what's going on?" 

"I don't know," he answered. "But he obviously thinks her craziness was a genuine gift, and he thinks she somehow gave him her 'powers'..." 

We turned a corner. 

"Stark raving mad...him _and_ Ololian. He..." he paused for a second. "Who knows...he might have been in love with her. He used to follow her around. I was young, but I remember." 

We were still walking. 

"I remember when I was twelve...she was perfectly normal then, quite a good Jedi," he went on. "I remember her bringing you to the Temple...never told you that, did I? I got to carry you. She started acting weird about two years after that, and it just doesn't seem right, the fact that she actually had something..." 

But I'd stopped. 

"Wait a minute..." 

"What?" he asked, concerned. 

"You said Ololian found me..." 

"Yes, she did," he said, puzzled. "I was there." 

"But Yoda told me it was _him_..." 

A look of comprehension and then indignation spread over his face. 

"He told you that?" 

I nodded. "When I was younger. About five or something. That's what I'd thought all my life..." 

"He lied!" Master was staring around in fury. "How could he? Being ashamed of her is one thing, pretending she never existed is quite another! And lying to my Padawan! Lying to him again!" 

"I wasn't your Padawan then..." 

"I suppose we weren't." We were opposite the Room Of A Thousand Fountains now. I could hear voices from inside...younglings playing, probably. Everything seemed so _unfair _all of a sudden. 

"I'll leave you here, I have work to do," Master said. "Now listen. Don't speak to Mapru. At all. Understand? I trust that you won't, but..." 

I just nodded. 

"Good." 

He marched off. I watched him go. 

I swear here and now that I will not cause destruction. I will _not_. If I will be remembered in the Order, it will be for doing something _good_. I shan't cause destruction. I shan't be the evil Mapru thinks I am. 

Neither will my Master. 


	57. Explanations

Good grief this was hard to write. pulls out hair I'm still convinced there's a great big plothole out there somewhere just waiting to suck me in, despite having checked and double-checked...I hope not though. Enjoy the chapter. :) 

Making   
_57. Explanations_   


1st day, 8th month, standard year 29437

In class I saw Vulna wasn't there. Tahl pulled me aside and told me what was going on. 

"He ran away. Or...sort of. They found him on the other side of the planet, and they brought him back, and they're talking to him and that's why he's not here." 

"I see..." 

"I know what's been going on," she whispered. "About the book that's gone and the arguements and stuff. I think everyone does..." 

"Doesn't surprise me," I muttered, and was shocked to realise how much I sounded like my Master. 

"Padawans!" Vione called. She was teaching the class. "Back to work." 

She gave me a look. She knew too, obviously. The whole Temple thought I was out to get them, perhaps. 

Tahl gave me a sympathetic look. I wondered vaguely if she was reading my mind. 

"Listen," she whispered, once Vione had stopped paying attention "We can go find him after class, I think he might want to talk..." 

"He _doesn't_." I said, surprised once again at my sharpness. I sighed. "I...well, I know he's involved in all this...stuff, and he won't talk to me." 

"_Make _him talk. You probably could." 

"No. We'll go find him, if you like, but I expect we'd be wasting our time. Besides, I need to talk to my Master, too..." 

She looked at me, probably wondering why I was acting so cold. I didn't know either. She was rather distant for the rest of the lesson. 

------ 

We went looking for Vulna. It was me who found him, in the Glass Room. I'd figured he'd be there. He was sitting on the bed, and he was holding something...and when we came in he hid it behind his back. 

"What's that?" Tahl demanded. 

"Nothing," he said, and got up to go. Tahl held out an arm to stop him. 

"No you don't..." 

"Well, _fine_, then!" 

He threw down the thing he'd been hiding. It clattered to the floor and I picked it up. It took just a second to work out what it was...Zacka's lightsabre. 

I said a filthy swearword. No-one looked at me...probably they were all thinking the exact same thing. 

"You. Vulna. Tell me everything." I said coldly. 

He did. 

"Dilan isn't dead, and neither is Lorian d'Jochek. And it was him who killed Zacka. And they want revenge on us. And someone called Etha stole this book of Sith magic from here and they've got it and...and..." He trailed off.   
  
"I know who Etha is," I said. "I've met her." 

He nodded. "Yeah. Anyway, the Council and everyone...they've started to take notice now, they're going to have everyone take turns guarding the Temple. Guards at each enterance." 

"But there's other ways in aside from the enterances." Tahl said worriedly. "Aren't they setting guards up there as well?" 

Vulna shrugged. "I don't think they know about most of them. And well, I suppose they don't like to think that the Temple's not as safe as it looks."   
  
After that we were all quiet, digesting all of this. 

"So, Vulna, how'd you know about this? You've been with Dilan. Did he tell?" 

Vulna nodded. 

"After I got...reassigned...and you-know-what happened...I didn't go and meet him as much, I didn't _want _to, but he made me," he said. His eyes looked haunted. "It took me a long time to convince them all that he hadn't made me turn. And he _hadn't_." 

"Why did he tell you things, anyway? Did he trust you?" 

"Well, we were friends once. Sort of." he muttered. 

I wondered if I was ever going to really understand all of this. So much had _happened _in the past few weeks. 

"I got Zacka involved too...she was the one who found out they had the Sith book. But then Lorian killed her...we told them we would work from the inside to bring down the Jedi, but Lorian knew what we were really doing...he killed her and he would've killed me. But Dilan stopped him." 

"Why?" 

"I don't _know_." 

"You're really up to your neck in all this, aren't you?" Tahl said. "So let's see. They want revenge. They're coming to get us." 

"Yes." 

"And the Council know and they've started doing stuff." 

"Yes." 

"And they have a book of Sith magic that that woman stole and...we've only just discovered it's missing," I supplied. "So they've won one small victory already, I suppose...and they've killed people..." 

"Don't you feel sorry about Zacka?" Tahl said suddenly. "If it was your fault she died..." 

But Vulna said nothing to that. He looked at me instead. And I realised something. 

"There's something you're not telling us." 

"That's all I know, all right?" 

"They're going to expel you, you know," Tahl said rather coldly. "You've been hanging around with Dilan, you've had second chances and you haven't taken them...and you've let people die." 

"They're not going to expel him, Tahl," I said with a sigh. "Because he's told them everything. So if Lorian and Dilan attack, we'll be ready." 

She nodded, but she looked exasperated. Vulna suddenly pushed past us and left the room, knocking over a glass vase as he did so. He looked at it, looked at us, and ran away down the corridor. 

Cogs were turning in my brain. 

"It's hardly fair, you know," Tahl said crossly. "_Dilan _was expelled for doing _less _than what Vulna's been doing." 

"What?" 

"If he hadn't been expelled, then maybe..." 

"It was my fault he was expelled, you know," I said. A thought came to me. "Maybe that's what Mapru meant when he said...oh, never mind." 

"I didn't mean any of this was your fault." Tahl said quickly. She sat down on the bed. "I was just wondering why in the world they're keeping him around. They could just cart him off somewhere." 

"Tahl! We're supposed to be his friends." 

"Let's face it though, we're not." She sighed. 

I sat down next to her. We were silent. 

"I had an idea," Tahl said all of a sudden. "I've been sort of thinking about it for ages. You know...you know the prophecy we found?" 

"Yes..." 

"Well, just forget about that one for a moment. You know, there's some prophecies that go really far back, and no-one can remember who made them...well, I know one..." 

"Did Ololian make it?" 

"No-one knows who did. Forget about her and the other prophecy, okay? This one's about something else. The one who will bring balance to the force." 

That sounded vaguely familiar. Maybe I'd heard it before when I was young, or something. 

"Anyway," she went on. "I remember reading it. It had all this stuff about and Jedi and the Sith. And I thought...what if it's Vulna?" 

I stared at her. My mind seemed to have gone completely blank. It made all the sense in the world, and yet no sense whatsoever. I finally found my tongue. 

"_Vulna_? He..." But I couldn't find a single explanation. I looked at her. 

"It would explain why they keep him here," she said quietly. "And...well, look, there's definately something about him, isn't there? He's not really like other Jedi." 

I agreed. Sort of. 

Only sort of. 

----- 

I have been thinking of NOTHING but that conversation all day. It makes sense. But the Force is telling me not to believe it, and I'm trying... 

7th day, 8th month, standard year 29437

I woke up today and knew it was important somehow. However, I still couldn't think properly, not with a million different things, battling out in my brain for attention. 

Then I finally remembered, around the middle of the day...today was the day Master Karshan died, all those years ago. 

It's funny. Sometimes it feels as if it just happened yesterday. 

But I realised. So I went back to my room...Master wasn't around...and I lit a candle. Then I sat there and looked at it. 

I meditated for a while as well. I asked the Force what I ought to do. But I gave nothing. No advice. Not even any riddle to solve. 

But it did offer this: _You'll find the way.___

I was pondering this when Master walked in. He didn't knock; he never does. 

"Oh," he said when he saw the candle and me sitting there. He hovered around the door, embarrased. Then finally he offered me some words. 

"Amiri...Amiri always said he was no Sith," he said stiffly. "She always said he merely used the Darkside once in anger, and it was a human mistake. She said he oughtn't to have died." 

I nodded, feeling grief at the mention of Amiri's name. 

And a bit of unease too, for reasons I couldn't start to guess at. 

"Those who fall to the Darkside...it's always been said that when they die, they go somewhere different than the rest of us." I nodded. I believed it. "She said he didn't..." 

I looked at him. I wanted to ask him to stay here with me. But he was turning away. 

The candle is still glowing, although it's night time now. 


	58. You Can't Have This One

A-hem. I would like to announce that the next three chapters are based on Charmisjess's wonderful fic _Kite_, and any OCs mentioned in said three chapters (Conn, Shadow, etc.) and hers, and not mine. And not George Lucas's either. So thanks to a) Layren, for having this idea in the first place, and b) Jess, for agreeing to it! :) Enjoy! 

Making   
_58. You Can't Have This One_   


16th day, 10th month, standard year 29437

As I write this, Tahl is sitting with me and filling me in on a few details. This is the story of something that happened to _both _of us, after all. I'm not sure where to begin... 

Okay, let's start with Childor. It's made up of two species, first, Philomel, which are wookie-ewok creatures, and humanoid Muh-Hadden. The two societies had always lived in peace, until the Muh-Hadden came under the leadership of Lord Thorno. Thorno was known to be a cruel dictator. He could be dangerous, although Philomel were known to be very paranoid about such things. I was sent to see that the arrogant ruler wasn't up to anything. 

It was my first solo mission, and I had messed it up badly... 

_No you hadn't_

That was Tahl, who wrestled my pen from my hand to write that. 

It was a man called Conn who caught me. He looked like a viper. That I can remember very clearly. I also remember that Lord Thorno came to see me...and called me a foolish little brat, and told Conn to take me to the 'jungle prison'. 

That was where this nightmare began. 

------ 

Tahl tells me that then she woke up from that night's sleep, with some sort of warning in her head. She tried to forget about it, but couldn't. It was in her mind for ages, and it wouldn't go away...so she went to see my Master. 

What she discovered there I still don't much want to write down. Tahl said she'd do it, but for some reason I think I _have _to... 

She said she heard the words _"I did not say to kill him, you fool!" _She said his voice was full of grief and anger. She said when he opened the door and saw her listening, the look in his eyes seemed to tell her that he would crush her throat. She says she remembers him whsipering how I was gone and how it was his fault... 

She says he told her he wasn't going to Childor, to look for me or...my body. She says he growled at her to leave. She says she left, and she was crying uncontrollably... 

------ 

While this was happening, I was being sent to this prison of theirs. 

And then I was being tortured. 

------ 

Next, Tahl says, she decided to go to Childor. 

_I HAD to go to Childor._

(That was her again) Anyway, to get there she had to have a ship. Clee works on the starship program, so she went straight to her. Clee apparently tried to talk her out of it...she said she didn't want Tahl to get herself killed, didn't want us both dead...they had an arguement...but eventually Clee got her a ship. She said that all the way there, she was torturing herself with what would happen if I _was _dead...and being slightly nervous about what her Master would think about her going off like that...and holding the purple Naboo stone I'd given her for her fourteenth birthday, tightly and desperately. 

----- 

There was a creature in the cells with me. I didn't notice at hadn't given me any water, I was left alone and I thought I would die from thirst and pain. 

It started to lick my blood. 

"Please! Leave me alone!" 

"Why?" it asked me. 

"You're hurting me." 

It looked at me with slitted eyes. "You are weak, man-child. Why are you tied here, if not for food?" 

My throat was dry with fear as well as thirst, and my voice was quiet. "The other men did this to me. I am from far away. This is not my home." 

"I know. The Hadden. I hear a great many thing." 

"What are you?" I asked. 

It laughed in a way I'd never heard anything laugh before. "You are blind by the darkness, man-child. Stretch out your hand and see." 

I did. I felt it...her. She was as cold as ice. 

"Are you...dead?" I asked her. 

"Touch me and see. Your fingers know nothing. Touch me with your mind." 

I did. But the inside of her head was like nothing I'd seen before. I drew away quickly. 

"You're shadow!" 

"Shadow?" She laughed and carassed my cheek. "Shadow. Yes, that is what I am." 

"How did you come to be in this awful place?" 

"Shadow came here long ago, and has been here forever. Who knows when she came, or who she was? Now she is what man-child calls her, Shadow. The Hadden fear Shadow...and for a reason." 

I shivered. 

"They are bad," Shadow said. "Sometime I kill them all...but not now." She licked her lips. "You are dying, man-child." 

I supposed I was. 

She brushed my lips with her fingers. "I will return." Then she was gone...and then she was back again. 

With water. 

I drank it gratefully, and breathed a _thank you_. Shadow dipped her head. "You are kind to Shadow, and warm. I will look out for you." She adjusted my restraints, and they slackened. 

5th day, 1st month, standard year 29438

So. Where were we? I haven't written this in a while. I suppose I ought to, I suppose it's good to get everything down on paper and out of your head...but I can't help feel like I'm...whining. Worse things have happened to people. I know I'm lucky. Tahl or my Master or anyone could have died. 

Then I would be...alone. 

----- 

Shadow came back and gave water to me a few times. She had no idea how incredibly grateful I was...am...to her. And then Conn came back. 

The torture they'd put me through had hardly been fun. The opposite. As far opposite as it is possible to go. But what happened next...was worse. 

Conn held up a piece of string. "This," he said. "...is the silk of a very rare spider that lives on your own Coruscant. Do you know what's special about this spider's web?" 

My eyes widened. I had heard of them. Heard of them when I was a youngling, in the crehe, away from all this...they were the stuff of legends. I'd wondered if these 'spiders' existed. 

They did. 

And I remember Clee, eyes sort of giggling, telling me stories about Jedi kidnapped by the monsters, who tied them up with web, and the web blocked them off from the Force, and they were left imprisoned there until they'd gone half mad...or _all _mad. I wondered if that was true. 

It was. 

----- 

Cut off from the Force, they tortured me again and again. It's blurred in my mind. They asked me the names of the people who sent me there. I tried to find my Master through our bond, I tried...but he wasn't there. They did awful things. They kicked me. They injected me. The pain got worse and worse as the days went on, like I was feeling more pain than just my own. It was awful, it was a living hell...but there is one bit I remember clearly. 

One of the guards. Li. He yelled things...things I can't really remember now, but he was angry. Angry that Conn was doing this.   
His words were just like blood bubbles in my brain. I felt hope, but it had been caged by hate and loneliness and so much desapir. There were bits of words. Then Li kneeled down next to me. The others had gone. 

"Come on, on your feet," he muttered. 

I didn't think I could answer. I thought most of me was dead. "Yes, Master." I muttered. I don't remember if I threw up then, I may have done. Li lead me down to the cells. 

I said thank you. 

It didn't make him happy. "I didn't do it for you." 

"Thannk you." I repeated. He pulled at my chains and I hit the wall. And screamed. He looked sorry then. He reached out in touched me shoulder. It calmed me down a little. I think. 

"Hey kid, I'm sorry, I didn't mean for this to happen. I didn't sign up for this." 

_I didn't mean for this to happen. _How many times had I heard those words said? Murderers and assassins and all sorts of people had said them...some were sincere, some not. I thought that Li, however was. 

"Won't your Temple come looking for you?" he suddenly asked. 

"Thought they would have...already come." 

Li left. I was alone. No Shadow, no anything. Only just the Force. Maybe I'd turned to the Dark Side and ended up in hell. Maybe everyone hated me back home. Maybe I was just going to die. 

Alone. 

6th day, 1st month, standard year 29438

Worse things have happened to people? _Worse things have happened to people_? WORSE THINGS HAVE HAPPENED TO PEOPLE? 

Tahl, you oughtn't to have read all that. 

You're insanely bloody stupid. You really are. You've been to hell and back and all you can say is _worse things have happened to people?_

There was a huge massacre on Neimodia only yesterday. The day before that eleven Jedi died in the skies above Coruscant. The day before _that _two Padawans were killed on a mission- 

And not so long ago a very young Padawan was tortured horribly and very nearly killed. No, don't try and take the pen off me. You _are _a bit of an idiot. You're also the model Jedi, but I'm going to overlook that for now. 

Anyway, to spare you having to write the rest of this, to cut a long story short, me and Li rescued him. 

Now you ought to stop writing about this. 

7th day, 1st month, standard year 29438

I love Tahl, but she doesn't seem to really understand. Whiny again, I know, but I can't stop writing about all this. 

Anyway...what else to I remember? I remember rain. I remember Li saying that I seemed like too nice a kid to die such a horrible death. I remember thinking about my Master. I remember thinking I was going to die, but it was alright this time because at least I was free. I remember knowing how terrified Tahl was... 

I remember her terrified voice whispering: _You can't have this one...._

And they didn't have me. I woke up. I was alive. Tahl was alive. 

She healed me.   
  



	59. Trees

Making   
_59. Trees_   


8th day, 1st month, standard year 29438

After that...several things happened. I got a fever, and Tahl gave me water. I had several terrible nightmares. I cried. I yelled at Tahl. She didn't yell back. 

I wondered if my Master was going to abandon me.   
  
Well... 

Okay, enough of that. 

I remember seeing my reflection for the first time afterwards. It was my reflection in some water. I looked terrible. The thing is, I still do, sort of. I still have a bunch of scars. 

I cleaned myself up in the stream. I felt quite a bit better afterwards. It was sort of like...no matter how terrible things are, no matter if you nearly died, at least there are still trees, right? 

I'm always amazed when other people tell me they never feel anything like that. 

----- 

It was after that that Tahl told me about my Master. She said he thought I was dead. She said that everybody did. I asked...I remember asking...didn't the Council even send someone, just to be _sure_? 

I remember quite clearly one thing she said: _Dooku was destroyed, Qui-Gon. He wouldn't have been able to launch a recovery effort in that state._

It sends a shiver down my spine, even now. 

------ 

After that, I had my worst nightmare. This one was me, and I wasn't dead but my Master thought I was, and he had a torch in his hand, and I tried screaming but I was burning and he looked so _shattered_... 

I would rather not be writing about that. 

Looking at the trees, after I woke up, made me feel slightly better, 

It didn't last that long though. Me and Tahl were eating, and we felt something. The forest went silent, and we couldn't hear the birds anymore. Something was coming. 

I was utterly terrified, but I didn't want to be. I didn't want to feel scared anymore.   
I couldn't. 

I started running. Tahl yelled after me. I found a tree and climbed up it. It hurt quite a bit, but I didn't feel like I could slide off and die, because I'm not afraid of heights. Never have been. 

I found what I was looking for, and then dropped down again. I landed next to Tahl, who looked like she was trying very hard not to hit me. 

"It's a small ship, fighter by the looks of it." I said. "Definitely not friendly. It was skimming the trees, Tahl. Any idiot knows not to fly that low. It was looking for something. Or, shall we say, someone." 

"That," she said furiously, "was probably the stupidest stunt you've pulled to date." 

"They know we're here!" I said, 

"It was totally reckless!" 

"Would you let it go? I knew what I was doing!" 

"It was dangerous and stupid." she said. She sounded an awful lot like... 

"What, are you my Master now? Did you not just hear me? I said I knew what I was doing!" 

"What if you had fallen?" 

"I wasn't going to fall. I'm a Jedi too, remember?!" 

"You're not all healed Qui-Gon, are you _forgetting_ a couple days ago you almost died?" 

"Only wishing I could!" I snapped. 

At that, she started to cry. I'd never felt so awful in my life. But...since I clearly have a downright _stupid _streak...I just sat down on a tree root with my back to her. 

The trees above me seemed to be creaking their disapproval. The wind shifted some leaves beneath my feet, as if they were flying away from me. 

I got up and went to her. 

I rubbed her heek. "Please don't cry," I whispered. 

She leaned on me, and I put my arms around her. 

"What is it?" I asked her, although the answer to that should really have been obvious. 

"I don't know anymore, Qui..." 

She hadn't called me that in quite a while. "What don't you know?" 

"You..." The tears had gone now, but you could see where they'd been. "I don't know how to handle things anymore. I don't know what will hurt you. I don't know how to help you.You're so different. _Why did they make you different_?" 

I still don't have an answer to that one, Tahl. I'm so sorry. 

"Sorry," she said. 

"Why?" I asked, confused. I should be the one apologizing. 

"I don't know," she murmured. 

"I'm sorry too," I said, hugging her. "I'm sorry too." 

Me and Tahl went looking for the swoop. I didn't even remember there being one, but it came back to me eventually. Tahl was too busy ranting about where it could be to actually _look _for it, so I found it. 

The plants had utterly crushed it. 

I realised something in that instant. I swore loudly. "The sacred forest. Or Elii Mwet." 

Tahl stared at me. "Qui-Gon...what does that mean in Basic?"   
  
"I'm so stupid..." I muttered. 

"What does Elii Mwet mean?" Tahl demanded. 

"We're done for this time-" 

"Qui-Gon!" 

"Elii Mwet is what the Philomel call the forest," I told her. "Beautiful Death." 

With that now hanging in the air, we had to make plans to get out as soon as possible. We decided to follow the stream. It would, we reckoned, lead us to the village eventually. 

So. The village. 

After...let's see...one water fight in a stream, which took me mind off everything for a while and which I'll be forever grateful to Tahl for, one thundrestorm, one... 

Oh, the _plants_. 

The forest _was _dangerous. Very dangerous indeed. It started to rain, and me and Tahl went to hide in a cave. 

I didn't like it. It brought back too many memories. But then I got more and more uncomfortable, and it started to seem like something else was there. 

I told Tahl not to move, and I found my lightsbare and ignited it. 

There wasn't just one plant, or even a dozen. There were hundreds. 

Tahl swore. 

About a hundred darts shot towards us as one. We ran, lightsabres lit and slicing through the air, we got to the enterance, we were okay... 

We ran through the rain, looking to get back to where we'd been camping before. I almost lost Tahl once, and it terrified me. We were both an utter mess by the time we stopped running. 

"Well," I said finally, gasping for breath but trying to be amusing, "that's the last time I let you pick the shelter." 

She was silent. 

"What's the matter?" I said quickly, going to her. "You can choose the next shelter if it really means that much to you," I grinned at her. 

She only looked up. 

"What's the matter? Are you hurt?" I asked urgently. She was crying, and she didn't cry often... 

"Qui..." she whispered. "We...we almost died in that cave. Didn't we...didn't we, Qui?" 

"It was close," I said, "but we made it..." 

"Too close, and it was my fault," Tahl said, tears on her face. "It was me, I was rash!" 

"It wasn't your fault. Not at all." But I was worried sick suddenly. I could sense something...she was in pain. 

"You're hurt!" I said. 

She started to cry properly now. I put my hand on her shoulder...and felt blood there. 

"What happened?" I whispered, in complete panic. 

"Dart caught me..." she said through her tears. "All the way on...my shoulder." 

I thought I was going to be sick with fear all of a sudden. It tok me way too long to actually _think_ of something. 

I can remember only a few things. Pulling the dart out of Tahl's shoulder, realising with incredible relief that she was going to be alright. ..Tahl crying...and then us going to sleep. 

In the morning...thank the force...she was still alive. 

----- 

I think it was the next morning that I managed to contact my Master through our bond. 

_Qui-Gon? _he said. _My Padawan?_

Yes, it's me! Please don't let go! 

_You...it is...but where are you?_

Here! Childor! Please come soon! 

_It cannot be...no, you are dead, I am dreaming._

You aren't dreaming! I'm really here! 

_Then you are but a spirit haunting me, punishing me for my betrayal._

Betrayal? 

_Please, leave me to my grief._

Then, though the link, I felt nothing but bitter, angry pain. It was terrible, and I found tears in my eyes. But I didn't cry properly. I refused. 

It wasn't long after that that I found Li-Bird. I heard it in the forest shrieking, and went after it, worrying Tahl in the process. 

Li-Bird was so sweet! I loved her from the second I saw her. Tahl didn't quite share this view, but she agreed to let me keep her anyway. Eventually. 

Actually, it was her who thought up the name. She wanted to name her after Li, the Muh-Hadden who helped us escape. I didn't like that at all at first, but then...well, I didn't mind. He _did _help us escape, after all. 

9th day, 1st month, standard year 29438

Anyway. The village. Sorry, I sort of started rambling there. Well, maybe not. I mean...I don't _want _to write about some of the stuff that happened next. This makes me somewhat cowardly, I know. 

Me and Tahl and Li-Bird reached the gate to the village. We cheered for a while...and then we saw the guards. Not Philomel...Muh-Hadden. There'd been a battle. There were blaster-marks on the wall. 

"This village," I whispered in horror. "This was the equivalent of their capital..." 

"And it's been taken." Tahl whispered. 

"I have _failed_." I could barely breathe. "I've failed my mission. That was the whole point of everything..." 

"What do you mean?" 

"I mean, the whole reason...the whole reason I came to Childor was to prevent this! The whole reason they tortured me was to find out..." I shuddered. "I don't understand how..." 

Then Tahl said it. "Well-did you tell them anything?" 

"_What_?" 

"Did you tell the Muh-Hadden anything?" she asked uncertainly. 

"No! That's why I don't understand why..." 

"Are you sure?" 

She didn't believe me. It hardly seemed real. "Do you not hear what I'm saying? I didn't tell Conn anything!" 

She was growing red and worried. "Hey, listen Qui, don't be angry. I meant... I only was wondering if maybe you got drugged and told them something...something that you don't remember...and that would explain...it doesn't really matter anyway..." 

That's when I really got angry. It was not the behaviour of a Jedi I was displaying back there. It definately wasn't the behaviour of a friend. 

"You're wrong!" I snapped. "I remember everything! You don't know. You can't understand! No-one can! You think Conn was about to give me a rest by drugging me into oblivion? I wish he had!" 

Tahl's tempre flared slightly then. "There's no reason to yell at me like that!" 

"There's perfect reason! You think I just spilled under pain!" 

"That's not what I said!" she screamed. 

"It's what you meant!" 

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "Listen...that's not what I meant at all. Just calm down." 

"Let go of me!" 

I stormed off, away from her. 

I walked to the thin forest on the other side of the field. Tahl had not followed. 

But someone else had. 

"Shadow! What are you doing here?" 

It was the first time I'd seen her in the light. Her skin wasn't actually black...it was midnight blue. She had sharp fangs in her mouth. 

"Shadow had every right to be in the Elli Mwet that Man-child has." 

"That's true." I said nervously. "But you shouldn't startle people like that." 

"Scared?" she asked, baring her teeth. 

"Not of you." I said defiantly. "But a little surprised. What are you doing out of the cells?" 

"Could ask the same thing for you. Shadow thought she'd never see you living again." 

"But I thought you never came out into the forest..." 

"Now and then and sometimes. To hunt. But, this time, Shadow has left the cells for good. No reason to stay there, anymore, not since the fight." She waved her clawed hand. 

"What fight?" 

She gave a sort-of grin. "Oh, Man-child's leaving caused much fighting between the Hadden. One did not think they were right to hurt a runt-baby creature..." 

"Oh, thanks a lot." 

She gave a hiss. "...and so the head Hadden got angry. Lots of yelling, then shooting, finally, lots of bodies for Shadow to feed on." 

"So...who won?" 

"No one. Fighter Hadden left. Leader and the others...well...they left as well. Shadow does not know why. Building all abandoned. So, Shadow went too." 

I thought of something awful. "But there were other prisoners down in the cells, weren't there? Conn just left them down there to die?" 

"None of Shadow's concern," she muttered. "Followed the Man-child's and his mate's trail." 

I was puzzled for a second, then worked it out. "Oh, you mean Tahl? Tahl isn't my mate!" 

"Then...why...is she with Man-Child? If not-" 

"No, no...because she...she's my friend. Its nothing like what you're thinking." I felt myself going red. 

"Friend?" she asked, confused. 

"Yes! You know-someone I trust...who I like to be with...someone I love!" Suddenly, I was desperate to get back to Tahl. 

Shadow looked at me in bafflement. 

"A person I associate myself with!" 

"Shadow does not understand," she growled. 

"Qui-Gon?" What are you doing?" It was Tahl, with Li-Bird on her shoulder. I felt throughly relieved. 

"Tahl...listen, about what happened in the field..." 

"No, don't. I'm sorry," she blushed. Then she looked up at Shadow. "Ummm..." Shadow looked hungry, and I shook my head at her crossly. 

"Who...who is that?" Tahl stammmered. 

"It's sort of hard to explain." 

"Could you try?"   
  
"Okay..." Shadow was clawing at a butterfly as I talked. "This...is my friend Shadow." Shadow popped the butterfly into her mouth. "Shadow, this is my friend Tahl." 

"Qui-Gon, where did she come from?" 

"The cells. She was good to me in the prison. I was so sick...it hurt so bad, but she talked to me a little bit. She brought me water. I wasn't quite as lonely with her around, and I wasn't quite as frightened." 

Tahl just lookd at me. I went on. "She says there was some sort of rebellion at the prison...she said that afterwards everyone left. I'm assuming they headed for the village to help with the invasion..." 

"Makes sense." 

I started to think. 

"Shadow...you told me in the cells that you hated the Muh-Hadden, right?" 

"Yes." she said. 

"That someday you wanted to destroy them?" 

"Yes." 

"Then will you help us?" 

She paused. I looked at her. I realised something...I could see _myself _in her. Sort of. I could see what I might have become had I stayed in the cells. 

Shadow gave me a grim smile. "Shadow will join the Man-Child and Friend." 

I beamed. "Perfect. I think I have a plan." 


	60. Twice Killed

Making   
_60. Twice Killed_   
__

----- 

I explained my plan to the others. Our main goal was the hangar. We could get in over the wall, and Shadow could provide a distacion. 

Shadow agreed. Then she went away to hunt. Me and Tahl were left on our own. 

We went into the center of the field, and looked up at the stars for a while and talked. I remember I was worried, and Tahl managed to comfort me. Then we saw some little glowing things rise from the forest...they were fireflies. 

That is one of the very few parts of this whole thing that I'll look back on with any sense of happiness. 

------ 

The next morning was grey and foggy, and no-one talked much. Shadow went out to look at the wall. 

Very, very slowly, the day passed. Darkness fell. Shadow had found the perfect spot to scale the wall. We would all go over, Shadow could take on the guards, me and Tahl could get into the hangar and take a ship, and then pick up Shadow on the way out. 

We climbed the wall. It hurt. It hurt Tahl too, I could tell...she still had the wound in her shoulder, after all. 

After that...there was a lot of running. Running and hiding and dodging. We nearly got caught once. But we found the hangar. 

"Listen," Tahl said to me. "You go ahead to the tower, and knock out the coding for my ship. I'm willing to wager it's the only Jedi craft in there, and the Muh-Hadden will have figured that out and locked down the systems. I'll sneak inside the actual hanger and make sure Clee's little shuttle isn't damaged." Her eyes were glowing. She liked adventures, she liked the last chapters where everything was resolved and the heroes avoided death. She smiled. 

"I don't know anything about ship coding, you're the computer genius. Why don't you check out the tower?" I didn't want her to go off on her own. Conn could be around! 

"You don't know what sort of ship it is. Clee checked me out on it before we left. I just need to make sure everything's still in shape." She winked. "And if you can't decode anything, just unlock it manually." 

"Manually?" 

"Well...I mean, just hack at the control panel with your lightsabre." 

"And...will that help?" 

"Will help lower your stress level for sure, now get going!" 

So I did. 

And suddenly I was terrfied. There was danger. Conn _was _here. Tahl was in trouble.... 

I started running back. Voices were on the air. 

"YOU'LL PAY, YOU'LL PAY, YOU'LL DIE SCREAMING, YOU LITTLE-" 

It was Conn's voice. I opened the door...they were there, Tahl's sabre blocked his staff. 

I stared at Conn. He stared back, and gave a twisted grin. Tahl yelled at me to move, but I didn't care. I was rooted to the spot, filled with rage. 

Since Tahl's attention was on saw his chance. He swung his staff at her. It flung her backwards, straight into the wall. 

I dived at Conn. 

I don't remember many details about the fight. I was livid. I hated him more than I'd ever hated anything in my life. He had to die, and die screaming and in pain. I was so angry I couldn't even fight him properly, and was hit in the face. Then I got out my lightsbare, and kept fighting. He had to _die_. 

He started to get worried. I just kept going. Finally, realising he was out of his depth, he scrambled up the ladder to a ledge and then kicked the ladder away. 

I jumped after him. 

There was fear on his face. 

In shock and fear, he thrust his staff at me...it caught my hilt of my lightsabre, and it deactivated with a hissing noise. Conn grinned and came forward to get me. He swung his staff, and I kicked him. 

He fell. I heard the _thud_, and looked down. 

I thought he was dead. I'd wanted him to be dead. I'd wanted to kill him. 

I thought I'd done it. 

I raced over to Tahl and checked for a pulse. I was terrified...but with relief, I realised she was still alive. I was trying to bring her around...but then...there was the sound of a blaster powering up. 

"Well, well, Little Jedi, it's been a merry chase, but now it all ends." His voice was mocking. "No more running, no more hiding, no more of your tricks and games, and best of all, no more _you_!" 

Tahl stirred. Conn kept talking. 

"You have this most irritating tendency to not die. I don't understand it, frankly. There's nothing special about you, yet somehow you and your friend made it this far..." I heard his teeth grinding. . "A scrape of a boy, and a half-bred little wench." 

I reached around to find my lightsabre. Of course, it wasn't there. 

"Now, none of that," He prodded me with the blaster. . "Did you think you had killed me? Did you really think you could make it off planet? Did you think you had escaped?" 

I said nothing. 

"Look at me when I'm speaking to you, whelp!" He hit me across the face, and then spoke again, in a wicked voice. "But you have taught me something by your sad adherence to life. That is, to never leave your enemies alive, however barely." He took a step forward. "I would like to make you suffer. Especially after all the trouble you caused...but I will not. Instead, I'm going to kill you. And then I'm going to kill you agin. Just to be sure." 

I was scared. Of course I was scared. But I struggled to find _some _peace. I sheilded Tahl and paid attention to...well, _everything_, for what I figured would be the last time. 

He fired. 

It hurt _so much_. 

I didn't mean to look up at Conn again, but I did. 

"Didn't finish you off, eh?" he said. "Well, let's try again then. After all, I promied to kill you twice." 

He squeezed the trigger. 

The shot was blocked. 

10th day, 1st month, standard year 29438

Well. 

To cut a long story short, our Masters had come. They saved us. Master Dooku defeated Conn, but I thought he was going to die and I'd just had _enough_, I even told Tahl to just let me die...okay, maybe events didn't hapen in that exact order...but I just don't want to think about it all that much anyway. 

Anyway, some Healers had come. A girl I know called Ro, and her Master, Willow. Willow gave me some pills, and looked at me...the blaster bolt, she said, hadn't done as much damage as it looked. She said I'd be alright. 

Then, exhausted and dizzy, I slept. 

----- 

In the morning, Li-Bird was there. In fact, so was my Master...his hands clenched into fists by his sides. He was asleep. 

Li-Bird would hate it on Coruscant, I realised. So I went to let her go. 

I saw the place where the thickest of the fighting had been. There was rubble and bodies strewn about the ground...the exact thing I'd come to the planet to prevent had _happened_. 

I ran away. 

I found the path to the forest. 

I felt uncertain, but I listened to the Force. It felt like an old friend. So I headed down it, walking through dust... 

...and I found Shadow. 

"Man-Child." she said. "Shadow did not mean to follow." 

"Shadow, are you alright? Why are you hiding in the weeds?" 

She hissed at me. "No, no-none of the little human's business. Shadow saw the Man-Child wandering off toward the cells, thought best to follow. Not a good path to take, I think...but, ah..." She was shaking. She was hurt. 

"You're hurt," I said. "Please come out." 

"No!" she snarled. 

"I just want to help on..." 

"Shadow does not need...Shadow is-" 

"Just let me help!" 

Shadow tried to get away, but she fell. She cried out, and saw angry red burn on her. 

She screamed at me in rage. "_Man-Child_!" 

I managed to get her to her feet. "You need bacta," I said. "Please, trust me..." 

Slowly...and painfully...we reached the edge of the village. But then Shadow spoke. "Shadow cannot go in there, Man-Child. You don't understand." 

"I understand better than you think," I said. Then I saw a shape approaching us. It was Tahl. 

"Listen to me!" Shadow hissed. "Shadow will not go to your little..." But she didn't know that word. "...to your people! You and I are different!" 

Tahl ran towards me worriedly. 

"What happened? You shouldn't be out here like this! Willow and Dooku are really mad! The ship is set to depart soon!" 

I motioned to Shadow. "She's injured, we can't leave! We've got to get her to Willow or Ro or someone...Tahl, help me!" 

But Shadow was trying desperately to free herself. Tahl looked from her to me. "Qui-Gon, just a thought, it seems like she really doesn't want medical attention." 

"But she _needs _it." 

Shadow suddenly sunk her teeth into my hand, making me jump. She turned to flee, but she tripped again. 

"See?" I said to Tahl. 

"I can take care of myself," Shadow said stubbornly. "Shadow always has." 

"Qui-Gon, leave her, we need to go..." Tahl held out her hand. "If she say's she'll be fine, she'll be fine. Now come on, we're in enough trouble as it is." 

But I didn't want to. It just wasn't fair...I'd survived the cells, but Shadow hadn't, not really, her soul had been destroyed... 

"Shadow," I managed to say. "Come to Coruscant with us." 

"What?" both Shadow and Tahl said in unision. 

"Come on, you can recover, you can get a new life, you can find your family...make friends...you have nothing to lose, and everything to gain. The Jedi can help you. What do you say?" 

But Shadow just stared. "C-coruscant?" 

I nodded. "The capital of the republic. It's where I'm from." 

She stared at me for a few long moments. "No, Man-Child. This is my home." She looked down at the ground. "I am who I am, Shadow has accepted this. You cannot change it. I will never be like you. That choice passed Shadow long ago." 

I didn't want to, but I had to try and understand. Hoping that my Master would too, I ripped the robe he'd given me into a bandage, and wrapped up her wound with it. Then I helped her to her feet. 

"Well," I sighed. "The ship is leaving soon. I suppose this is goodbye. We couldn't have done it without you...thank you." 

Shadow just shrugged. "Shadow swore revenge on the Muh-Hadden, now I have it. Thank you, Man-Child. And you as well," she added to Tahl. 

Tahl started to walk away, but I paused. Li-Bird was in my pocket, and I took her out. I hoped this would turn out all right. 

I held her out to Shadow. "Her name is Li-Bird." I said. 

Shadow looked from her to me. 

"She's not really an indoor pet," I explained. "I can't keep her on Coruscant, she'd be miserable in a hospital room." Shadow just blinked. "She'll look after you. Just promise you won't...ur...eat her or something." 

Shadow nodded, and she took Li-Bird in her hands. Li-Bird hopped onto her shoulder. 

"Oh...and..." I wasn't too sure about this. "My name is Qui-Gon. Qui-Gon Jinn." 

Several expressions passed over Shadow's face...surprise and confusion and then realisation. "Qui-Gon...Qui-Gon Jinn," she said thoughtfully. She closed her eyes. "My name is Loria." 

"Loria," I whispered. "Thank you." 

I went to join Tahl. I glanced back over my shoulder at Loria...she certainly looked a bit more human now. 

"That was good of you, Qui-Gon," Tahl murmured. 

"Hm?" 

"I mean, with Shadow..." 

"Oh. I just wish I could help her..." 

"You have," Tahl insisted. "You've got to stop blaming yourself for everything that happened here." 

"Alright. I'll let you know how that turns out." 

"You do that." She grinned at me. 

"I'm just..." I stopped in the middle of the street. "I'm just so tired." 

"You should be," she said. "Willow's going to kill you for going out in your condition. Anyway, Qui, guess what?" 

"What?" 

"We get to go home." 

She was right. We did. 

I put my arms around her with a smile. "We get to go home..." 

I kissed her on the forehead. She smiled, and when she looked up at me again...something had changed. It wasn't bad or anything, it was just...different. 

She stared at me for a very long time. Almost a minute. I wondered exactly what she was thinking. Then she grinned. "Master told me this morning...you and Dooku get to ride with the healers." 

"Lucky us," I said, smiling. "Tahl...see you on Coeuscant." 

Tahl winked. "See you on Coruscant." 

11th day, 1st month, standard year 29438

So..that's it. The good and the bad. 

I _thought _that now I was back, all the good was fading away...but maybe it's not. 

It's been a very difficult few months, though.   



	61. Whatever Happened

Making   
_61. Whatever Happened_

17th day, 6th month, standard year 24938

A _very _difficult few months. 

I love you, Tahl. It doesn't feel so strange, to write that. 

18th day, 6th month, standard year 24938

Flicked back through the diary. Found an entry from nearly a year ago. 

Vulna as the Chosen one. It seems impossible. But he's still here...they haven't expelled him. 

The Force won't help me work it out. It's all just...there. It's not _real_. 

9th day, 7th month, standard year 24938

Today, Mace Windu was rushed to the healers very badly hurt. Someone found him at the enterence of the Temple. He'd been battered and bruised and had chemicals thrown at him and...well, it was awful. Really awful. 

His Master wasn't there. 

I feel stupid and wrong now. No matter how bad things were on Childor, at least my Master didn't die. It could have been worse. Tahl was wrong when she said to shut up. 

Clee and Rewen were the team dispatched to look for Mace's master. I wish I knew his name. 

They were guarding the Temple, Mace and his Master. They were the guards that the Council had chosen. Something must have happened. They must have been attacked. 

Bethil...she's here, looking after Mace, we're in the healer's wing- she just said that exact same thing. 

Mace can't talk to tell us what happened. Bethil is trying to get him to. So are Willow and Ro. None of them are having any luck. 

Something's happening. I can tell. Something's _going_ to happen. 

Mace is looking at me. His eyes are frightened...he can sense something too. 

10th day, 7th month, standard year 24938

Clee and Rewen came back. With nothing. 

Mace still won't talk. _Can't _talk. It was something in the chemicals, Willow says. She's not sure if he'll ever be able to talk properly again. My Master is looking after him. 

Vulna came to me and whispered...as if he was afraid he was being listened to, or something..."The Temple's not safe, is it?" 

"What's happening?" I whispered back. 

"It hasn't been safe for years, has it?" he said, ignoring my question. "The Council...you know what they're like, they don't think anything can happen, but...." 

"Vulna. Lorian and Dilan aren't dead. They're getting closer. They're coming. Stop babbling and start thinking. We've got to make the Council listen." 

"None of this is my fault!" 

"I know," I said reluctantly. 

We went to the Council Chambers. 

The Temple is prepared, at least. I just hope it's enough. Maybe nothing will actually happen. I'd believe it if it wasn't for the Force screaming warnings in my ears. 

11th day, 7th month, standard year 24938

This is Vulna Rolab. 

I borrowed this diary because today is a day that needs remembering, and the owner of this diary isn't around to write it down. 

I'm not giving any details. 

It wasn't my fault, though. How could it be? 

13th day, 7th month, standard year 24938

No, Vulna, it wasn't your fault. Because of you, we were ready for the attack. 

Just not for the _hatred._

Where shall I start? It had been Lorian who killed Mace's master, as I'd guessed. He thought he'd killed Mace too, but he was wrong. I don't know why he didn't just kill them and enter the Temple on _that _day. I think Mace and his master managed to wound him badly enough to make him put off his attack for a few days. 

Dilan was also there. I saw him and he saw me, and he _smiled_... 

Back to the beginning. I remember the windows breaking and there was an explosion...somewhere. People died. I remembered the last time the Temple had been broken into, all that time ago... 

I remember Yoda, moving faster than I've ever seen him move, coming to fight. He wasn't overpowered by Lorian...how could he be?...but Dilan had tied up some of the Younglings....they were Yoda's favourite clan...and he threatened to blow them up if Yoda didn't back down.   
  
And I remember Lorian throwing down the dead and mutilated body of Mace's master. I'm so glad Mace himself wasn't around to see it... 

They tied Yoda up, too, and told him if he moved, the Younglings died. Dilan had killed a few people. He'd been throwing thermal detonators about...it's too horrible to think about. I didn't know where my Master was, or where Tahl was. There were some Jedi who'd found explosives, they were going to get Lorian and Dilan blown up instead, it would mean killing so many of us but I don't know if they, well, _cared_... 

Yoda must have cared. He didn't try and do anything, try to put the Younglings in danger. 

Lorian wasn't a real Sith. Neither was Dilan. I had to keep remembering that. That book probably wasn't much good on it's own, you had to train, you had to have a Master, they couldn't throw lightening or perform the legendary feats only Sith could; they were dark Jedi, that was all... 

They knew it, I think. 

More thermal detonators were tossed around. I wasn't dead yet. Whatever happened to fighting with blades, where you could only kill one or two people... 

Eventually, my Master and Tahl appeared by my side. 

"I'm so glad to see you-" 

More fire and blood. Someone had suceeding in wounding Lorian. The thing was, several people had gone for him, and he'd been bleeding, but maybe he had managed to use some old Sith spell, maybe he'd become stronger...and that was why he wasn't dead. 

It was the most awful thing. Hundreds of people had been murdered. I was still alive...._still_. I hardly dared to look around. Tahl was unconcious....not dead, I realised. I was so relieved I felt like fainting. Vulna was next to me and Dilan was staring at him now. My Master was alive, and Mapru had just come in...he was staring round in horror. Yoda was still tied up and motionless, and the Younglings were alive, if terrified. 

"Where is she?" Lorian said to Dilan. 

"Tied up on the balcony," Dilan said. "I'll get her." 

He climbed over a few railings, through some broken glass...and then back again, holding Amiri. She looked different. I'd never be able to describe it. Older. More frightened. More guilty. 

That was where the hatred was. In her eyes. 


	62. Hopeless

Making   
_62. Hopeless_   


14th day, 7th month, standard year 24938

I had a nightmare. About Amiri, as you can probably imagine. 

Except you're not real. I'm not actually talking to anybody. 

I really wish I was. I ought to. 

14th day, 7th month, standard year 24938

It was just gone midnight when I wrote all that. Now it's the mormning. Coruscant looks pretty today. 

It's different for different people, isn't it? Sometimes when a person wakes up after something terrible has just happened they look outside and see it's a nice day and curse whoever made the sunshine because it doesn't seem right, and others thank the Force for the sunshine because...it's there. And it's sunshine. 

My Master just went and shut the blinds. 

Anyway. The basics. 

1. Amiri is dead. For real, this time. 

2) Lorian confronted my Master about his now-dead family. I think he was going to kill him. It doesn't seem real now, anyway. 

3) Lorian's dead. Mapru killed him. Saving my Master's life in the process. 

3) I think someone asked what happened to the book of Sith magic. Dilan laughed and laughed and laughed at that. I will never hear laughter in the same way again. And that just isn't fair. 

4) Dilan and Lorian tortured Amiri. That's how come they knew about the Temple's weaknesses. She told them. I don't know if she told them about me or Vulna or my Master or anyone. I have no way of knowing now. I'm holding on to the hope that she didn't. 

5) She's dead. She's actually _dead_. 

6) I don't know how or why it happened...but things had exploded, taking people with them...and I just saw Dilan running away, out of the corner of my eye, and I couldn't believe I was actually still alive, and I chased him...Tahl and Vulna joined me, we were running, and the Temple wasn't right anymore, like it was dying... 

...and we got split up. There was a lot of smoke, for...some reason. Everything was in shadow. Anyway, Tahl screamed at some point and I went to get her and she was hurt, some chemical from the detonators was eating into her skin, she said Vulna had gone off after Dilan... 

7) Vulna came back with nothing. It's most likely Dilan overpowered him. In fact, it's _obvious_ Dilan overpowered him. Why wouldn't he? 

Oh, this is hopeless. You can't just list things like that. It turns them into something that didn't actually happen, not to _you_. Or maybe it makes them more manageable. Or maybe it shouldn't actually be _manageable_. 

Now, I want to write about the Force and it's will. But I shan't. 

One more bit of list, though, one worth writing: 8) The Younglings were okay.   
  


15th day, 7th month, standard year 24938

You know what? I lied. The Younglings weren't okay. They all died. Along with hundreds of others. 

16th day, 7th month, standard year 24938

The whole Temple is in shock and mourning. Or so it seems. I don't know what to do. Tahl is in the Healer's wing, but there's barely enough room for everyone. Funerals have been held. Nothing has changed between my Master and Mapru I heard them talking...Master mentioned that now the entire d'Jochek family was dead, and Mapru shooting back that _he _had killed one of them and it hadn't even been for a good reason. 

I keep forgetting about that. 

I want to go and see Tahl. 

Maybe I won't write for a while. Perhaps that's best. 

There's smoke in the air. 

29th day, 9th month, standard year 24938

Well, I kept that promise, didn't I? 

The Temple has...for the most part...gone back to normal. Tahl is fine, for which I am grateful. She's been in so many awful situations, and she always comes out of them mostly okay. I think she always will. She has no idea how grateful I am for that. 

The funerals are over. Do yo know how many people died? One hundred and fifty seven. Younglings, Padawans, Knights and a few Masters. None of the Council. It's too horrible to think about, it really is. Vulna doesn't talk about it either. 

Anyway. 

There's a big room in the Temple. I don't know if I've spoken about it before. All the names of dead Jedi are listed there. Most often, people who aren't Masters aren't allowed down there. I don't know who keeps track of all the Jedi who've died. I don't know who does the writing. But I do know it's there. 

I met Master Mapru in the star-map room. He looked at me when I came in. It wasn't the usual look, but it was far from being kind. 

"Ah, young Padawan. Why are you here?" 

I told him the truth. "This is my favourite room. I wanted to come here...and forget." 

He narrowed his eyes at me. "As so it happens, this is my favourite room as well. Not that Jedi ought to have fourites. As for forgetting...there is _plenty _you need to remember." 

"What do you mean." 

"I'll show you," he said, and then he simply walked out of the room. I followed. He led me underneath the Temple, to the room I spoke about before. 

When we got in he paused and glanced around. The room itself was like a cave...not unlike the caves of Ilum. All the millions of names glittered like stars. I wondered how they got the writing to shine in that way. 

I followed Mapru and didn't speak to him, and he didn't speak to me. Finally, he stopped, and pointed to one name on the wall, written no larger and no smaller than any of the others. 

_Eridar Ololian_

I nodded and waiited for him to explain why he'd brought me here. He didn't. So I said, somewhat nervously, "Forgive me, Master Mapru, but...what's going on?" 

"Eridar Ololian had a gift, no matter what that idiot you call your Master thinks," he informed me calmly. "Once she told Yoda she believed that he would be partly responsable for the downfall of the Jedi, and that is why he cut himself off from her." 

Then he was silent. 

"Did you love her?" I eventually ventured. 

"That's not important," he hissed. "What is important is keeping the Order alive. You have some part to play. So does Vulna, your dear friend. Do you ever wonder _why _he was never expelled for all his misdoings?" 

This didn't require much thinking. "You." I gasped. 

He nodded, and then smiled. It was the sort of smile you'd have expected to see on someone in a nightmare. And then he left the room. I was alone underneath the Temple, in a sea of names no longer used. I looked around me. The names of the Younglings and of the others who'd died were newly written there. I recgonized most of the names. I felt like sobbing. 

Then I went away as well. 

I didn't see Amiri's name there. I did look....there were a lot of names, and I couldn't have read all of them. She is there, I'm sure of it. 

She was a Jedi. And she was my _friend_. 

They sent many, many Jedi teams out to find Dilan, you know. They've all returned empty-handed. Every single one. 


	63. Things Will Go All Twisted

Making   
_63. Things Will Go All Twisted_

6th day, 10th month, standard year 24939

I keep wondering if maybe keeping a journal is not so good for me. I don't know why. I'm not even particularly good at it. 

What is _normal_, journal? So many times I've wanted to write 'Things were back to normal' here or elsewhere, and I can't. Is there just some point in your life when things stop being normal and they never return to exactly how they were? Is that how you grow up? And if so, it's a very cruel system. 

7th day, 3rd month, standard year 24939

May as well make note of this. We're goin to Tatooine. Eight of us. Me, my Master, Tahl, Master Thea, Vulna, Master Kiloxan, Nela and Master Meesha. 

Attempted genocide of Tusken Raiders. Tricky situation. You know these things by now. 

9th day, 3rd month, standard year 24939

Have talked to two people. A girl called Ruth, and her grandfather. They are the only people left in their family, the Tuskens killed the rest. 

There's been hostility between the farmers here and the Tuskens since...the beginning of time, or so it seems. And now there are far less tribes than there were. 

I know what they do. They've tortured people before. And they hate humans more than ever now. Ruth and her grandfather are in danger from them now, and it's not even through any fault of their own. I don't really know what's right in this situation. 

An update of sorts on Vulna: he and Kiloxan barely speak to each other. I've never really seen them talking properly before. 

----- 

Another update of sorts on Vulna: I just saw him talking to a girl. 

I don't know who she is or anything. They were just in the marketplace, and I was...well, killing time I suppose, we can't do anything til tonight...and they were standing close to each other and talking. 

Who _is _she? Did he just meet her today? I suppose he must have done. 

I have to go now. 

8th day, 3rd month, standard year 24939

Vulna won't say much about the girl. He says she's nobody important. To the mission, that is. 

I don't exactly _trust _Vulna, but...well, never mind. I don't feel much like writing. I have work to do. 

9th day, 3rd month, standard year 24939

Ruth told me something.   
She said that before, she'd seen two other Jedi. I wasn't surprised...you see a lot of Jedi on Tatooine, after all...but then she described them to me (Well, we didn't have much else to talk about). I'm not _completely _convinced, but I think it was Ololian and Mapru she was describing. 

She mentioned that she saw them kissing. 

This sounds slightly ridicous, like we're kids exchanging rumors. But... 

It's probably not even important. 

Oh, and I asked her about the girl I saw Vulna with. I tried to remember what she looked like...green eyes, light brown hair...   
Ruth doesn't know her. Well, no-one can know everyone, after all. 

I'm not even sure why I want to know. It's just...Vulna...he's always been...difficult. 

Oh, and we didn't really get anywhere. Ruth and her grandfather are alive, although not necessarily happy, and negotiations with the Hutts about protecting the Tuskens pretty much failed, and my Master's heart wasn't in it. He didn't really think we were fighting for anything...I see his point, why should you care whether a group of people who kill and torture as they like live or die?...but you can't fight or something _all _the time. 

I sort of wish we had spoken to more Tuskens. They can't be all bad. You can't have a group of beings where none of them have any redeeming qualities. 

But anyway. We're going home. 

30th day, 3rd month, standard year 29439

I wish something would _happen_. I keep thinking something is going to. 

And I mean that I wish something good would happen. I still think about Amiri, you know. 

13th day, 4th month, standard year 29439

Master's birthday. It was a quiet sort of day. 

Haven't seen Yoda in a while. I believe he's on a mission, but....for all I know, he could just want to be somewhere other than the Temple. 

I don't blame him. Master might, though. 

We went to Didi's for Master's birthday. He said it was his treat for me...even though it was _his _birthday. Didi chattered away nineteen to the dozen. I sort of wish I hadn't gone. It was nice to see him, of course, but it was hard to pretend I was happy. 

Has everyone always been this miserable? Why haven't I noticed? I know awful things have happened lately, but...we... 

I don't know. 

20th day, 4th month, standard year 29439

Interesting thing. 

Today, our usual lightsabre master was ill. So Mapru took over. I think it's the second time he's done so. And he split us into pairs and told us to practise. And he went with me. 

The fight I won't describe, mostly because...I can't really remember it. You know on holovision, when they'll show something with the hero fighting someone or other and suddenly things will go all twisted and the person he's fighting will suddenly turn into sombody he knows? It wasn't really like that. He wasn't laughing or taunting or anything. He even praised me when we'd finished. Well, not real praise...just something like...well, it was just a nod, now I think about it. I know he hates me, so it's not like I was expecting anything more. 

But. 

I'd injured him slightly during the fight. Nothing major, just ab urn. So after wards, I decided to go and apologize. I went to his room, I knocked on the door, he said, "Come in..." 

He was standing with his back to me. I cleared my throat, and he turned around, and I opened my mouth but then hebegan speaking to me...and it didn't sound like him. 

"Hello, young Jedi," he said. 

Honestly, I should have run away then. 

"Master?" I asked nervously. 

"You wait and see, my young apprentice...it will be because of something you do that I will die...that Nela will die...that Clee will die...that Binn will die...you will be indirectly responsable for the deaths of your friends..." 

"What?" I think I said. 

"You heard me," he said, and smiled. 

That was when my common sense kicked in and I turned to go, but he stopped me. He did this by suddenly appearing in front of me. 

I was scared. Maybe he'd gone mad and was going to kill me. Maybe countless things were happeneing that I'd never known about. 

"Onto more current concerns," he said to me. "This time, next year. You'll make a friend." He grinned. "You'll make a mistake. And then you'll make it again. You're_ arrogant._ You're not even aware that you are. Who would have though, one small boy's arrogance could lead to so much suffering..." 

I pushed past him and flung open the door. 

"SHE WANTED TO SPARE ME THE DEATH SHE HAD, YOU KNOW!" he yelled after me. "She could have given me more power, had she wanted to! And if only she had - then I'd know what to do!" 

I kept running. I can't even remember the rest. There might have been more. I might have even remembered somne of it wrong. 

If I could, I'd never go near him again. 

Understandably, perhaps, I didn't tell my Master about this. 

I would like to wake up and discover it hadn't happened. 


	64. The Forgotten

Making   
_64._ _The Forgotten_

21st day, 4th month, standard year 24939

Told Tahl. 

I can't really elaborate on that. 

22st day, 4th month, standard year 24939

Me and my Master have been selected for a mission. 

I wish I could speak more about the missions. The people we've met. That girl with the bracelet.....the bracelet around her severed arm was all they ever found of her. The boy who killed the people who'd killed his family, right in front of me and I couldn't stop him...he'd tied me up. The prince who I was insanely jealous of for a very silly reason. 

I'd like to write about these things. But it's...never the time. They're over now. Victims have become statistics and people have become nameless. I could list them all, in here, to make sure they're never forgotten. Is that the greatest gift a human being can give another, the gift of never being forgotten? 

Perhaps Master would say so. Perhaps _Yoda _would say so. I don't know. 

I'd miss someone out. I wouldn't get far, talking about everyone. There was Alixen...I remember her so well, and I don't know why....and there was Alex, and...their sister, and....Shadow, and Li and Li-Bird, and...and Lieson and....oh _galaxies_, all that business, and now there's Ruth and.... 

It'll work one day. But not now. 

1st year, 1st month, standard year 24940

Happy new year. 

Things aren't bad, you know. Things are just not bad. You have to make a choice, don't you? To become a Jedi. And a Jedi's entire life is one of choice. Do I behave selfishly or selflessly? Do I save myself or do I save them? And the harder choices, too. Her or him. Her or them. Them or them. I'm on the outside, and I'll always have to choose. 

And I chose this. 

And I'm _there_. I'm _connected_. It _works_. The galaxy works. It should. It ought to. There are good people, and there's bad people, but there's more good. And if we stop belieing in the good... 

Well, I imagine people are, and they stop believing every day. 

5th day, 2nd month, standard year 24940

More people to add to the list. More people who'll just get forgotten. 

24th day, 2nd month, standard year 24940

There was a song on the holowave just now. It's leaving me already, but it sounded...meaningful. I don't know who sang it, though., It might be a droid singing it, for all I know. They do that a lot now, more than they used to. 

20th day, 3rd month, standard year 24940

Today I was one of a group of Jedi selected to go testing children for Jedi potential. It's... 

...well, people spit at us, sometimes, when they see us coming. Only sometimes. Others are polite. But I know that they all wish we'd go away. No-one wants to have their children taken away. Hardly anyone. 

There was one child I remember. Black hair. Blue eyes. I took the midichlorian count for him. I remember his father...he was rich and powerful, he'd have easily been able to provide for his son....giving him up, saying he couldn't give him what I could... 

I don't want to do it again. Not really. These people make an agonizing choice to trust you. You might not be worthy of their trust. You might make a mistake. 

Who knows what my parents thought, when they handed me over? 

5th day, 3rd month, standard year 24940

You don't get nearly as many presents, as you get older. 

That's not a complaint, just an observation. 

5th day, expansion week, standard year 24940

I feel sick. 

Tahl keeps trying to keep an eye on me, or whatever she calls it. She...I think she hates feeling powerless. She was so worried when I mentioned I felt sick. 

Not really the behaviour of a Jedi, is it? 

It's a good thing I didn't tell her about the dreams, then. 

1st day, 4th month, standard year 24940

Oh _no_. Oh no, no, no. How could they do this to me? 

HOW COULD THEY? 

How could _it_? How could _anything_? 


	65. Isn't Life Supposed To Just Go On?

Making   
_65. Isn't Life Supposed To Just Go On?_

5th day, 4th month, standard year 24940

I was _writing _about my parents only a few months ago. Now I have to write about them again. And I don't want to. I've put this off for almost an entire hour. I wrote 'I was' then went away for almost an hour, then came back and wrote the rest. 

Anyone who knows me who's reading this -not that anyone is- would be really suprised. They think I'm dealing with all this so well. In fact, they probably think I don't care at all. I do. How could I not care? 

My parents are dead. They died just a few days ago in an earthquake, worst one to hit the planet Toci for ages and ages and ages. My brother is still alive. I'm still alive. It's not fair. Everyone is treating me just the same as they always have, and I hate it, but I'd also hate it if they were treating me differently. 

I want to _think_. Meditate. _Pray_. But I just don't feel like doing anything. 

8th day, 4th month, standard year 24940

I recieved a letter from my brother. It was rather short, like he'd writtten it to a stranger. Which I suppose he had. It just said that he was fine, that a funeral had taken place, that he was leaving Toci to become a pilot. 

They never let me write to him. I wish I'd known him. I suppose I knew him a little, but... 

But my family is here. And yet he's family too. And so were my parents and they're _dead_, and of course they would have died eventually, but, but... 

I've been sitting here with this journal in my lap for over two hours. Master has left to do other things...start an arguement with someone, perhaps. 

_There wasn't anything I could have done._

11th day, 4th month, standard year 24940

Tahl came round. 

"You..you've been missing all your lessons," she said in a nervous voice. "Maybe it's time you..." 

"I'd rather just stay here," I said, cutting her off. "Just for a while longer." 

"But you're falling behind..." she said. She was standing in the doorway, not sitting down. "Master Mapru said I ought to..." 

"Oh, he did, did he? Well, in that case, I HAVE to do it, don't I? And not make a mistake, mention any touchy subjects or even look at the bastard, right?" 

"Stop it," she said quietly. "I know you're upset." 

"Well done. I am upset." 

"Look..." she said. "You've just locked yourself away in your own little world..." 

I said nothing. 

"You've cut yourself off from everyone, you're making us feel as bad as you do...you think your parents would like you acting like this?" 

I jumped up then, and she immediately stepped back, worried, knowing she'd done something wrong. 

"Tahl," I screamed. "JUST SHUT UP!" 

My words echoed around the room, which had never felt so empty...and then she ran away. 

She was supposed to start yelling back. I expected her to. I hate that she didn't. I hate it. 

30th day, 5th month, standard year 24940

I'm about to leave on a mission and Tahl didn't say goodbye to me. 

32nd day, 5th month, standard year 24940

No-one reads this, do they? Qui-Gon didn't take it with him, and now it's just on the desk looking lonely. 

It's me, Tahl. I wouldn't have the patience to write in a diary every day, like my best friend seems to have done. I feel like a complete idiot for saying what I said to him. It was insensitive. And... 

...and this really isn't helping. 

He's not dead, by the way. He's just been captured. They're working to free him. But nothing has happened yet. 

He _kissed _me once. 

33rd day, 5th month, standard year 24940

Qui-Gon's Master was looking at this a few minutes ago. Then he put it down again. 

My best friend still hasn't been rescued. All I can do is ope. 

If you ever read this, Qui, just for the record: I love you. 


	66. Alex

Making   
_66. Alex_

18th day, 4th month, standard year 24941

Been a while, hasn't it? 

Been a very long while. 

I wish this journal made more sense. I wish I wrote in it more often. I wish it wasn't full of disconected ramblings and things that make no sense and people who show up and then leave. But that's life- _everyone's _life, not just a Jedi's. People come into your life and then just go away again. Things happen that have no point. 

And maybe you want to know what happened. 

Has it ever ocured to you that I might be lying? 

I'm not lying, though. You probably don't remember Alex. _I _didn't remember Alex. Or Alixen, his sisiter, that girl who...got shot. Or his little sister, who I found on a planet destroyed by an earthquake...heh, an earthquake. Funny. I should feel like that almost redeemed my parent's deaths, but no, it hasn't. 

Anyway, I was captured. You know that much. If you saw Tahl's entry...and I've read it thousands and thousands of times now, until I know every word as solidly as I know my own name. (And you know what? I haven't even properly reacted to it yet). The jail cell I was flung in wasn't bad. At least not compared to some of the other times I've been captured, one of which stands out on my memory more than almost _anything _does these days. 

Alex was a guard there, and of course I didn't recognize him at first. It's not like he always remained a memory and nothing more, after all. He didn't treat _me_ badly, but I saw him kicking people- joining in with the other guards and their 'fun'. I tried to intervene, and I think I was knocked unconcious by one of them. He was a big guy. Probably their leader. I think he left me alone because he was instructed to, because I was a Jedi, but I don't know why they wanted me to not be hurt in the first place. I suppose that I never will. 

I'll never know where Alex got my name from, either. His commanding officer or the other guards or something, I assume- they'd have had to know who it was they were holding, I guess. 

He came to bring me food and water one day. 

"I think I recognize you from somewhere," he said, watching me through the bars. "I recognize your eyes, or something." I expected him to follow this up with _you Jedi filth_, or something along those lines, and was suprised when he didn't. 

"What's your name?" I asked cautiously. 

"Alex Risus." 

I recognized the name then, and began to wonder. 

"And you're Qui-Gon Jinn," he went on, "and you were there when my sister was shot." 

"I...I was, yes. I remember you." 

He scowled. "Well...you know what? You didn't have anything to do with it, so I'm not going to hit you for it or anything. Or kill you for it, or whatever." 

"Oh..." 

"Well, I suppose that's all we have to say to each other." He left before I could say anything else. 

19th day, 4th month, standard year 24941

Well, of course there's more to that story. 

I didn't see Alex again for a few days, and I figured he'd gone for good. I had an interesting dream one night before seeing him the first and time and seeing him the second time. It was two men, and they kept aruging, and I couldn't hear what they were saying- their mouths moved and I knew they were speaking, like how in dreams you know things that you don't know in reality, but no words were coming out. 

It wasn't exactly a scary dream, but it didn't give me much comfort. Day four of captivity...or it could have been day five...Alex showed up again. He brought me food. There must have been a rota for who brought the food, I think. Other times it was different guards. 

"I reckon you had a crush on my sister," he said, before he said anything else. He was smoking a death stick, and seemed to be in a pretty foul mood. 

"No. I just liked her," I said. 

"You _might _have been able to save her, though," he went on. "Maybe I should do you some damage, after all." 

"You don't want to do me any damage." 

"I guess not," he said with a sigh. He stubbed out the death stick on the walls of the cell. "Weird how things turn out. I never expected I'd one day be keeping you imprisoned." 

"How did you wind up here?" 

"You know what? I don't know." He shook his head. "Well, maybe I do know. I assume you remember little Kini." 

"I _found _her for you." 

"She's sick," he said in an offhand manner. "I need money to paid for a medi-droid for her, and this is a highly paid job. Course, there was almost definately a better way- but whatever it was I didn't run across it." 

I inwardly not-quite-marvelled at the amount of bad luck Alex and the Risus family seemed to attract. 

"You're thinking about all the bad luck we seem to attract, aren't you?" Alex said acidly. "I can see it on your face." 

"Alex, listen to me..." 

"No," he said. "You're just going to sprout Jedi wisdom, and it's completely pathetic, really, and I don't want to hear it." 

"You thanked me once," I called after him. "I saved your other sister, you _thanked _me...but you do what you feel is right." 

19th day, 4th month, standard year 24941

My Master has been keeping an eye on me. He's almost to the point of following me about. I've spoken to Tahl. A little. She said she almost erased what she wrote in the journal but then changed her mind. 

Only a few hours ago, Master sat down opposite me and said "Padawan, do you think I've been a good Master? A good Jedi?" 

He doesn't, now that I think about it, call me Padawan very often. "Yes," I said. What else could I say? "Of course. Why do you ask? What brought this on?" 

"No reason," he murmured. Then he said, "I miss Amiri." 

This took me aback. "Yes..." I stammered. "Me too." 

Back to our story... 

On day...I can't remember, day twelve or thirteen...Alex came by again, but he wasn't carrying food with him. 

"You know what?" he whispered. "I don't envy the position you're in at the moment." 

"Same here." I answered. 

He scowled again. "I want to help you escape, you know...they wouldn't kill me, just put me in jail for the rest of my life, or something equally unplesant...but it's not me I'm thinking of, it's my sister. The surviving one." 

"If you saved me from this, you think I wouldn't give you something in return? I can help you, Alex. I will." 

"You might want to- I expect the Jedi wouldn't." 

I decided not to try and find out where his distrust of Jedi came from. "I won't beg you, Alex. But I know you're good." 

He looked at me and shrugged. "Whatever you say," he said. "I have no idea how you came to that conclusion, though." 

Two days later he helped me escape. 


	67. First Of The Fireworks

Making   
_67. First Of The Fireworks_

20th day, 4th month, standard year 24941

So, Alex saved my life. 

As soon as I reached the Temple - dirty and wounded and in need of a shower- I told them what Alex had done. They nodded, were very polite and oncerned about the whole thing, and sent me off to get cleaned up. 

I asked them to make sure Alex got something, in return for the risks he took. At the time, they just nodded and said they'd see to it- and today they have apparently changed their minds. 

They _told _me. They said that it would do nothing for the greater good, giving money and help to people, criminals like Alex. I explained the whole thing. I said I might be dead by now. They just didn't care. 

I threw an extremely childish temper tatrum, fortunately not in front of them, and Master praised me wholeheartedly for doing so. 

"They have it coming," he said. 

"Have what coming?" I asked, feeling ashamed of myself by then despite his approval. 

"It." he said darkly. "There's always an It." 

An _It _with a capitial I. Oh, I don't know, diary. They're not right, the people-maybe-Jedi sitting up there in that tower, while the Force flows in the ground that's so far below, and covered in metal. I just don't know. If I had money, I'd give it to Alex. I broke a promise to him. He'll never forgive me. Or them. 

My leg hurts a bit. 

The Council, _Them_-with-a-capital-T, are giving me a few days of rest. I'm free to do what I want. Within limits. 

11th day, 5th month, standard year 24941

Today was Tahl's birthday. 

When I think about it, I'm amazed we still celebrate birthdays. The Jedi, I mean. Some of them-us-don't even know who we were born to, so why should it matter when we were born? 

Jedi aren't really born, anyway. It's force-sensitives that are born. Jedi themselves...come from somewhere else. 

I bet I sound like Them. I bet they talk about these things, when they've nothing else to talk about. 

Isn't it just childish, calling the Council Them? Yoda heads it, for pity's sake. One of my teachers. My Master's master. He deserves more respect than this. 

Maybe just not from me. 

Vulna came round sometime this morning. Didn't have very much to say. 

Me and Tahl- we went to a fairground. Just because we could. Coruscant's fairgrounds... 

They're packed full of people, bickering parents and screaming kids, people trying to take in everything at once and people just standing there looking at the lights, shrieking people on the rides...there's one which _plummets _right down a couple of miles into Coruscant's dark side, snaking around the skyscrapers- there's junk everywhere, loud music, dark corners- and I honestly can't think, or couldn't think, of anywhere I would rather be. 

Metal and people. The silent and the screaming. There's Coruscant for you. 

Me and Tahl sat on a bench. They were letting fireworks off somewhere in the distane. 

"You ever get the feeling..." Tahl said thoughtfully. 

"What?" 

"That this isn't going to be here forever? All this...stuff?" 

There is a lot of Stuff in the world. A lot of it goes unnoticed. 

"What do you mean?" 

She shrugged. 

"I dunno. Honestly, I don't. I just get feelings sometimes, about...people. About whether one day I'll wake up and realise everyone in the world has a thoroughly evil side, and the first thing they'll do is rip this place down." 

"Oh." 

"Sorry, not being very eloquent here, I know." 

We changed the subject. That was only a tiny piece of the conversation that night. 

Productivity Day, standard year 24941

Went to Didi's cafe, and didn't do very much while there. I can't even remember why I was there. Wait, of course I can- we were investigating drug dealers on Coruscant. And Didi always has something to say about...everything. Good source of information. And a decent person. Just not a very good cook. 

In between bites of pie-of-some-kind, he filled me in on everything that had happened recently. 

"The jewelery shop across the road," he informed me solemnly, "had a dead body fall through the ceiling last night." 

"Really?" 

"Oh, yes. They said he'd been strangled. Or looked like it. Horrible things...always deaths in this city, always will be." 

And he's right, of course, the murder rate seems higher than it ever was before. 

5th day, 6th month, standard year 24941

My birthday. 

No cake. 

I think that was somewhat selfish. 

30th day, 6th month, standard year 24941

Today I (and Tahl, and Vulna, without our masters) leave to go somewhere far, far away, to a planet no-one pays a lot of attention to. It should be interesting. There hasn't been a mission for me in a while. 

In other news: went back to the fairground. With Tahl, again. We went during the day and not at night this time. It seemed different, and not just because of that. It was bleaker. And there were fewer people there, because there weren't any fireworks being let off this time. 

It's time I left. I'm taking this journal with me, just in case. 


	68. The Cave

Making   
_68. The Cave_

35th day, 6th month, standard year 24941

Okay, that was just tempting fate, wasn't it? 

Oh well. There's nothing else to do; might as well explain myself. We've crash landed. We're not entirely sure where we are. Our comlinks don't seem to be working and the ship is pretty much smashed to pieces. Vulna's working with the comlinks, trying to construct something useful out of them. 

There doesn't seem to be anything really dangerous here. Just a lot of swamp. Some of the plants are edible, although disgusting, and we have a water purifier, so no problems there either. Still... 

And of course we all feel rather stupid for ending up in this situation in the first place. (The mission we were _supposed _to to undertake- that went well. Everything's fine there. That's alright, then.) 

So, yes. 

I'm sure there are better things I could be doing right now. 

2nd day, 7th month, standard year 24941

Right, where were we? 

While Vulna worked on the comlinks, he told me and Tahl to go away- go and explore or something. In all honesty, there wasn't much we could have done to help. Or he didn't think so, anyway. 

So we headed off into the green, making sure not to fall into anything. We didn't see an awful lot. The creatures there seemed to mostly stay out of our way- perhaps they were afraid of us. I don't know. 

I quite liked the place, really. 

Eventually, we came to a cave. 

"Right," Tahl said. "I'm not going in there." (Come to think of it, she had been in a bad mood for most of the day, which I suppose is understandable.) 

I remember only shrugging my shoulders. "I don't know. If there's any sort of threat on this planet, we need to find out- we might be stuck here for a while. I'll go in. I won't be long." 

"I'd rather you didn't." 

"Don't worry." 

So I went in. 

I saw quite a lot. 

Where do I begin...come to think of it, where do I finish? There was a sunset...sort of, it's kind of hard to explain, and a man who was _probably _Vulna grown up and with white hair, because he looked a bit like him...although I don't know why he was there...and then there was her. Master Ololian. 

"As you are to me and a prophecy," she said, "so will you be to another." 

And that was it, I suppose...no mortal danger or anything. But Tahl looked terrified when I came out. 

"I was just going in to get you," she said. "I thought...this is a bad place." 

"It's not," I said. 

When we got back to where we'd left Vulna, near our crashed ship, he wasn't there. 

"Maybe we should go and look for him.," Tahl said. "No, forget that. We _really _should." 

"No," I said. "We should stay here, otherwise we'll miss each other." 

"I don't like it here, Qui. I really don't." 

We waited for a while- perhaps not that long, but it felt like ages, and maybe something had happpened to him -and all of a sudden he came back, through an opening in the trees carrying the gagdet hee'd constructed. 

"You haven't been gone very long," he said. 

"Well, where have _you _been?" Tahl asked. 

"Chasing some animal that ran off with a bit of comlink. Anyway, I _think_-" 

He sat down and dismantled the comlink. I couldn't tell what he was doing, but it didn't look like it was going to work, maybe he didn't know what he was doing after all- and as soon as I turned my back he said. "Okay, it works." 

"Oh, well done," Tahl said, running to him. Vulna raised a piece of comlink to his mouth. 

"Put me through to the Jedi Temple...can anyone hear me? Hello? This is Vulna Rolab. _Padawan _Vulna Rolab. Can you..."   
He pushed a button, and suddenly we heard Yoda's voice. 

"Padawan Rolab. Interupted our Council, you have." 

"Sorry, Master," Vulna said. He rolled his eyes at us, since Yoda couldn't see. 

"Your friends. Are they with you?" Yoda asked. 

"Yes, Master," he answered. 

"Worried, we were." Yoda said. "Back here you soon shall be, having done your duty." 

And now that's where we are. 

7th day, 7th month, standard year 24941

I made sure I told Master Kiloxan about Vulna and what he did on that planet- we might have been stuck there for longer if not for him. Master Kiloxan said he already knew. 

I still wonder about Vulna, you know. It must have been him I saw in the cave- I don't know who else it could have been. I can't shake the feeling I've seen him before- the older him I mean. Like he's following me all over the place- that's what it feels like. Like he's something to do with me. I mean that in capital letters: Something To Do With Me. More than he actually is. 

Maybe it _wasn't _him. 

5th day, 8th month, standard year 24941

I just had a dream. It was dark and awful and it involved Rek, the brother who I haven't seen in years. The only last remaining member of my family. 

I have done a lot of thinking. I don't want him to die. 

Journal: I have this to say. People die all the time, and there's no way of stopping it. None of us can do anything apart from remember. And that's what we _have _to do. That's what beings everywhere do. We can watch the whole world go to dust and _somehow _we'll survive. 

I know he's going to die, and I also know there's nothing I can do to stop it. So I won't try. And it hurts. 

7th day, 8th month, standard year 24941

_No_. I won't try. Because if he dies, I'll survive it. I won't start messing around with other people's lives- their destinies. Because- you just _can't_. It's my choice, and I choose this. 

I haven't even told anyone. 

9th day, 8th month, standard year 24941

He's dead- he died on Telos. Don't know how, or why, or anything, and I probably never will. 

It's my choice, and I chose that. 


	69. If This Was A Story

Making  
_69. If This Was a Story_

10th day, 8th month, standard year 24941

Sometimes I hate _choices_.

5th day, 9th month, standard year 24941

Oh, there's just no point. I've grown out of this journal- it's not like talking to a real person. Real people can answer back, after all. Real people are more important to me.

Besides, there's too much else to do- there always has been. This is just a bit- trivial, really. I think this will be my last entry- I'm not even sure why I'm writing down that it is. It was good while it lasted though- I do after all have a record of my childhood now, something to hold onto.

All the same, my childhood is over.

2nd day, 3rd month, standard year 24942

well, I suppose that last entry wasn't quite true, then...

IT HAPPENING, AND I'VE GOT TO LEAVE, AND I PROBABLY WON'T COME BACK.

TO WHOEVER FINDS THIS JOURNAL, I'M SORRY.

(Tahl- I remember everything you ever wrote in here. All the things you said to me. Thank you.)

(To the people in the future- and there is alwas a future- you won't remember me, and I won't know you. Remember the Dark Side- it's so hard to fight, but there must be a way.)

4th day, 5th month, standard year 24942

_Okay, so now I'm curious to know- why did you write that all in capital letters, Qui?_

I don't know. So it'd be the first thing people saw, I suppose. If they were flipping back from last page to first- which not many people would do, I suppose, but-

_I know what you must have been thinking- I was thinking it too. Are you ready for an incredible understatment?_

Yes...

_I'm glad you didn't die._

* * *

This is a message to anyone in the future who found this diary and picked it up- our Temple was invaded. It wasn't the first time, and it won't be the last. It was Dilan, you see-

It began as a quiet sort of day- and I barely noticed it. The fact that it was a quiet day, I mean. Can you believe that? I got up and began the day and I didn't even notice.

The attack came at about...midday, I think it was. I was waiting in a corridor for Tahl- Mace came and gave me the news.

"We need to make him think we don't know yet," he said calmly. "Currently, the idea is for everyone to continue what they were doing, to avoid the center tower and stick to the areas around their quarters- then an alarm will sound, which means we've got him cornered. If the alarm doesn't go off within ten minutes, then - make your way to the third tower. But _listen _when you do so."

I didn't need to be told that. "How many will we lose?" I asked.

"We must remain realistic," he said. "Perhaps a few, perhaps even none. But it won't be as bad as..." He trailed off.

"What about the Younglings?" I asked.

"Oh, that's taken care of- they're in the Council Chamber."

"Are you sure that's a good idea?"

"It seems a good idea as any."

"I was waiting for Tahl-"

"She'll be back in her quarters by now- you should be too."

So I went. The corridors were quiet- I could hear my own heartbeat. I reached the quarters, and my Master wasn't there.

So I waited ten minutes. In order to give me something to do, I wrote in this- I wrote what you, person from the future, can see a page or so back. In bold, big handwriting.

Because it seemed like the right thing to do.

I waited and there was no alarm. I felt nothing- I went outside. I passed a window. Coruscant was outside. Countless buildings, millions of them, with _people _inside, and the constant stream of transports- it would go on, I thought, it'd _always _look like that.

I headed for the Council chambers- my thoughts were for the Younglings, and I didn't want them even hurt. I was running. I remembered what I'd written in the diary. It seemed decidedly foolish now.

Then Dilan jumped out at me.

At first, it barely registered that _this was him. _I thought _Well, at least Tahl will find my diary entry, and at least she'll..._  
But there seemed to be no more of that. Dilan laughed.

"I've found you!"

"You were looking?" I asked.

"Yes. I always hated you...but you knew that."

He wasn't attacking, not yet. "Things shouldn't have been this way," I told him.

He shook his head. "Oh yes. They should. Remember all the things stolen- the book, remember the book? It went into the hands of the Force itself- he needs one little thing to learn, one useful little thing-"

I knew what was coming and I got ready for it. But Dilan didn't care.

"When will you learn?" he said. "Not everyone uses a lightsabre. I don't, not anyone. I'm not lowering myself to your level-"

I didn't want him to die, I realised, but I didn't want him to live. I thought I'd kill him, quickly as possible-I aimed for his head, he kicked me, we just _fought_-

-and I was pushed up against the window.

"You destroy everything you touch," he said.

I was fast- he was faster. Before I could kill him- yes, kill him- he pushed me out and I fell.

I fell and kept falling. The Jedi Temple is so high in the air, higher than it needed to be...

_You're not going to die, you have a job to do._

I reached out to grab whatever was going to save me.

_YOU'RE STAYING HERE._

I didn't fall- I realised that I was floating in mid-air. Above everything, below the sky- and I should have been scared out of my mind. I wasn't.

I looked up and saw that my Master was holding me in mid-air. He had a look of intense concentration on his face- he was alive, I thought with relief. And then I realised that it wasn't just him, it was Yoda as well- they were saving me together. I wondered where Dilan was, if he was dead-

They moved me towards a railing, and I held onto it and pulled myself up.

"Nice to see you, Padawan," Master said.

"I...thanks," I gasped. "Where's Dilan, is everyone alright..."

"I'm alright," said a voice. I turned around and it was Tahl. She made a move to hug me, then realised we were in front of Yoda and stopped.

"I'm so glad to see you..." I said. "What happened, where's Dilan?"

"Mapru killed him," my Master said. I looked at Yoda, he said nothing. "A whole group of us were there, he was merely lucky to be able to strike the blow..."

"Rather he had been your kill, would you?" Yoda spoke up.

"No, my Master, but..."

"He was yelling stuff," Tahl piped up, "Dilan, I mean. He said..."

"He said _wait until you find out how many traitors are in your midst_." came a voice. I didn't even have to look to see who it was. It was Mapru- but when I _did _look Vulna was behind him.

"Are you alright?" Vulna said to me.

I nodded. And then Mapru swept away, down the stairs and out of sight.

(I think if this was a story- and it does seem like a story, you know -I should have the next sentence be _and I never saw him again_, but it's not true because I did.)

The rest of us were left there alone, just for a few minutes. No-one knew quite what to do or say...

"I thought you were dead," Tahl said eventually.

"No," I said, "It's not my time yet."

* * *

And that's it, I'm afraid. Like I said, this diary does read a bit like a story- I'm sorry I'm not a better storyteller. But perhaps that's not the point. Although it's a pity- you'll have the words, but you won't know what was going through my mind when I wrote them.

Just so you know- whoever you are...

My Master and Yoda don't speak much. I told them both about everything Dilan had said, Yoda took it to the Council. It was mostly dismissed as the ravings of a madman- I think. They're an arrogant lot- I'm not afraid to say this, certainly not now.

Vulna seems to rarely be here: it's possible he might leave. He's not exactly well trusted, or even, it seems, all that well liked.

Three people died at Dilan's hands: I didn't know them: I wish they were still alive-

Tahl and me are alive. Clearly. Tahl tells me she has no intention of dying.

I intend to find out what my job is- no matter the consequences.

May the Force be with you.


	70. Epilogue

Making   
_70. Epilogue_

Standard year 24985

We're not supposed to have this diary. There was a load of confusion and people were running about all over the place, and someone (probably Lynna) said we ought to go and get some of the artifacts, because they would probably burn that room down first...so we went to get them and on the way out we saw a dead body down the corridor where we'd been. Everyone was a bit scared, and then we were told to hide here. I kept the diary in my pocket, and Lynna kept some of the glass stuff. The thing about that is that we can use the glass as weapons, too. But I don't know if anyone else is thinking about that. 

If anyone sees me writing in this diary, they'll be so angry...it's vandalism or something. But there were still enough pages left in the diary, and I had a stylus...I didn't mean to, I just left it in my pocket. I'm not supposed to carry a stylus around, it's distracting or something. I think. I just wanted something to do, I hate waiting. 

It's weird how no-one's crying. 

I know who this diary belongs to. It belonging to a Jedi Master called Qui-Gon Jinn, except he wasn't a Jedi Master then. He trained Obi-Wan Kenobi and he brought Anakin here. I like Anakin. He's more like us than the other adults are. 

I don't want to read this whole journal, because you ought to respect people's privacy even when they're dead. But I flicked back a few pages and he was talking about the Temple getting invaded again, and he survived. And so did Tahl, his friend. I think he was in love with her. Maybe that's why she died. People say sometimes that the Force can punish you if you did something wrong, and falling in love is supposed to bring you closer to the Dark Side because you care about the other person more than you care about being good. 

It's weird to think most of these pages were written years and years ago, before I was even _born_. Things sound like they were different then. There wasn't a war on. There's a war on now. The person who was going to be my Master got killed. That's why I'm still here- I'm twelve years old, the oldest. Except for Yinnie, who _says _she's older than me but doesn't know her birthday. She looks older, though. 

Weird how this diary just stops. It doesn't even say anything about Obi-Wan Kenobi. It's a pity because I want to know. I heard people talking once, back when they were thinking of throwing out the old artifacts because they didn't like what was in them...stuff about Master Kenobi being the descendant (or son, I think) of a dark Jedi...he left the Order not long after- this diary stopped being written in in 24941, right? It would have been about then. He had a wife or a girlfriend on Tatooine (the dark Jedi that is) and the child was force-sensitive. Then again it might not be true. But I do a lot of reading, I read more than anyone, so I probably know about it more than the others do. I don't know who it was though, the fallen Jedi. It couldn't have been Dooku because the timing is off. He left the order much later. Then again, there are probably things I don't know about it, because no-one will tell me. 

It's weird that this diary says so much about Dooku. He killed a lot of people and he sounded like any other Jedi. 

I think the most important thing in this diary is the bit about the other Temple invasion, though. The one where he figured he would die and he didn't. That message that was left. To us, in a way. It was a good thing to write- I know we're going to survive. Even though you can still sort of smell burning, and it's all really quiet, and someone was saying earlier that Master Windu was dead (I don't think that's true, he's the most powerful duelist ever, apart from Yoda). I think we're going to survive, like most of the people did before. Even though they died later...at least they didn't die then. Any minute now, Yoda or Shaak Ti or Anakin will come and save us and get us out of here. 

I hope so. 

THE END 

_Author's notes:_

Oh _wow._

Seriously, it hasn't sunken in that this is actually finished- it's been going for what, two years now? Dude. I meant to finish it before Revenge of the Sith came out, but I'm not sure what happened. I have a feeling it now contradicts a bit of canon, although I tried to make up for it in the last chapters, as you can see... 

A few important things: 

1) I know this isn't, all things considered, a brilliant fic. I started it back in 2003, and then I didn't even know how to use commas properly. Also- it was meant to be a trilogy, as the more observant among you may have noticed. ;) Things have been cut out and abandoned and all sorts of stuff. There are probably plot holes in here you could drive a X-wing through. I'm sorry it isn't a trilogy- that's all I can say about that, really. But because I feel bad about that, there will be something else coming in the future, hopefully, although it's not _quite _a fanfic. 

2) Which brings me to number two: There was a whole plotline which I _loved _which was supposed to be in the second part of the trilogy, but since there is no second part...I managed to get it in here. It concerns Obi-Wan Kenobi and someone who we've met already. It's not Xanatos, and I hope I left enough clues to point you towards who it is... 

The most important thing: 

_Thank you _to everyone. Seriously. If it hadn't been for you lot, I'd have stopped long ago. This fic will always have a place in my heart, because it gained me friends- good friends. You all rock, believe me. 

Thank you, again. 

Sarah 


End file.
